To think maybe I want DC isn't the same as yes I definitely want them?

[MMyrtle]

DH and I are in the position where we know we want to have children but need to get a few things sorted first before we will be able to start TTC. I see so many woman who say they're "waiting" to start TTC but then their husbands / boyfriends are no longer on board. Where their husband has previously said "maybe" they want DC and then shown no further interest in discussing it but the woman has taken it as it being a definite yes and then get pissed / upset when their mid-thirties and DH/DP doesn't want DC.

AIBU to think 1) "maybe" isn't the same as "yes, definitely" and 2) if you're that sure you want DC these things should be discussed prior to committing yourself to the relationship for years?

Yes

The use of maybe and definitely are the big clues

@araiwa

Yes

The use of maybe and definitely are the big clues

Yes I'm being unreasonable or yes you agree maybe and definitely isn't the same?

Yeah I don’t understand this, I wouldn’t go past the first few months unless they definitely want children. I definitely want them and if they don’t, then no matter how amazing he is we just aren’t suited.

@Medstudent12

Yeah I don’t understand this, I wouldn’t go past the first few months unless they definitely want children. I definitely want them and if they don’t, then no matter how amazing he is we just aren’t suited.

Exactly! Me neither. DH has always said he wants DC but if he'd told me "maybe", then I wouldn't have married him. I wouldn't have even moved in with him.

I totally understand that sometimes men stringing woman along and say they definitely want DC at some point. And that "some point" never materialises. But when they're actually saying maybe, they're telling you they're on the fence but you take that as a definite yes - I'm sorry but I just don't get it.

For those saying IABU - why?

They mean different things

1. YANBU

2. YABU, because I know plenty of women and men whose partners were very clear that they wanted to start TTC after a given event or date (usually some time in the future) and then changed their minds as the critical event loomed. I wasn't on the receiving end of that myself, luckily, but I'm afraid that I think you only really know your partner is on board with TTC when you actually both start TTC.

I think it’s different for women than it is men

If a woman waited until her partner was ready after his “maybe in the future” there’s a chance she will never have children as her fertility will stop.

He can wait until he’s 70 if he really wanted to. Just have to find a younger woman

@CarterBeatsTheDevil

1) YANBU

2. YABU, because I know plenty of women and men whose partners were very clear that they wanted to start TTC after a given event or date (usually some time in the future) and then changed their minds as the critical event loomed. I wasn't on the receiving end of that myself, luckily, but I'm afraid that I think you only really know your partner is on board with TTC when you actually both start TTC.

Yes I totally agree and maybe I worded it badly. By part 2 I meant that surely if it means that much to you and you're a definite yes, discuss it and if your DP is saying "maybe", well then that should be a definite barrier to continuing the relationship. You shouldn't just assume their maybe will turn into a no.

I have every sympathy for people who are told yes from the off but that never materialises. I think that's a totally different situation and must be awful. I just get a bit fed up seeing the same posts over and over (not on MN) about how their DP has always said maybe and now they're in their mid-thirties and it's either still a maybe or a definite No.

Oops I meant shouldn't just assume maybe will turn into yes

YANBU, but I am sure there are plenty of people "rewriting history", saying they never said they were sure they wanted dcs. The thing is, it is very difficult to be sure until the moment comes. I wasn't sure tbh, until I was.

I think it's difficult to say because people are allowed to change their minds.

I wouldn't want to bring a child into this world as it is now, wouldn't have said that a couple of years ago though.

By part 2 I meant that surely if it means that much to you and you're a definite yes, discuss it and if your DP is saying "maybe", well then that should be a definite barrier to continuing the relationship.

Yes, that's definitely fair.

I'd assume a maybe was a no if it didn't turn into a yes within a few months, and I would be having that conversation early.

Thing is, not everyone goes into relationships like that do they? Life isn't black and white. Sometimes casual things develop into long term things. Sometimes people just want to see where things go.

I agree that 'maybe' definitely isn't the same as 'definitely'. But I can definitely imagine someone being hugely in love with someone and/or meeting young and then only once they're married/living together/'in too deep' do they actually have a proper conversation about TTC. Then DP/DH says maybe and the other person just doesn't want to see/hear it because effectively they're being posed with the option of destroying their life to persue having a baby. And "maybe he will want them one day".

I don't know... I would have a lot of empathy for someone in that position. Unless of course they had that discussion literally from day 1 of course. But then there are still plenty of people who meet really young and genuinely do think 'maybe' I'll want kids one day but then the urge never comes. 🤷

I have definitely seen people advise each other on here, to have the serious baby conversation early on, unless you are both fairly young. I think this does make sense, but is probably easier said than done. You don't want to be "that person", who reaches their thirties and is talking about having kids with their date from day one... but maybe that is something we should all be open and honest about now, instead of being frightened to bring it up? I don't know. I met DH really young and went from no, I don't think I'll ever want them, to well maybe some day, to definitely. I don't think we would have got married if we weren't on a similar page re kids though.

Which women do you mean? People in RL or online?

No way to find out what’s been said between two people.

IMO some men want to continue dating or living with their GF/partner, and are dishonest about or omit to mention their intentions, since that would make getting what they want NOW more difficult.

@Dozer I mean people online that I've spoken to / read their stories where the woman is saying her partner has always been saying maybe, won't discuss anything further despite her pushing him and her being a definite yes, but now the woman is in her mid-thirties and he's either now saying a definite no or he's still saying maybe and refusing to discuss it further.
One in particular was this morning and she was saying she's really upset and she always thought he would change his maybe meant a yes and it's so unfair he's saying no now she's in her mid-thirties.

I think a lot of women believe that, given time, their partners will eventually change their minds about marriage and children. They seem to see it as a natural stage that everyone reaches once they're mature enough, but it isn't - plenty of perfectly mature people never get married and/or have children. There are countless threads on MN from women who are bewildered as to why their partners haven't proposed yet, even though he never said at any point that he considered marriage an eventual goal. Similarly, I think many women assume their partners will decide they want children once their friends start having them.