Doing things straight away or leaving them do things when they are ready

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This is about ds2 but could easily be about ds1 or DH.

Two teenagers (15 and 16yo) in the the house and DH. We all take turn in doing the washing up. ds1 and ds2 are 'in charge' of breakfast.
This am once again, ds2 had his bfast last but just went back upstairs after 'vaguely' tidying up (think things like the bottle of milk that was forgoten on the worktop, crums all over etc...). Washing up all over the kitchen left.
I got annoyed and started the doing the washing up. At the sound of water, ds2 magically appeared asking me if I wanted him to help and do it instead....

I am torn. Should I insist that he is doing the washing up straight after finishing (And I have all the 'But I am going to do it in my own time. Stop bugging me. You are 'controlling')?
Or should I live with the mess of pans all over the kitchen for the whole morning, having to face that each time I am going to prepare a cup of tea. And knowing that it is totally possible that said mess will still be there at lunch time when I will start to prepare lunch (which means ds2 will not do the washing up because either I will do it before starting cooking to have some space or whoever is washing up at lunch time will do it).

I am getting annoyed at the fact that none of them, incl DH, have any sense of responsibility when it comes to tidying up the kitchen and are all happy to 'delay' doing those chores (seemingly in the hope someone else will step up). But at the same time, I am aware that some people will see that as nagging.

So what do you think is right?
YABU: you should leave them do things in their own time even if this means the kitchen being a mess for the whole morning
YANBU: whoever is doing the washing up that morning should do it straight away

Yanbu

Drives me mad when people don’t do the things they need to do!

I have this a bit with dd and clearing the dishwasher - if you don’t do it straight away all the other plates, cups start building up.

Well they're not going to learn if you just keep doing it. Milk goes straight back in the fridge but in our house we dont clean pots straight after using them. If theres something that will stick it goes in the sink with a bit of water.
If you need the pots before making more food then by all means call them down and say you need to do your pots now because I need them to make dinner. But otherwise I wouldn't expect mess tidied up straight away. But I also wouldn't clean up for them when they haven't done it.

I have had the same issue with doing the washing up properly.

It has taken me about two months of having a go at everyone in the house during the lockdown so that washing up was done properly. And by that I just mean no food left in the pan, nothing fancy. Because somehow all three of them thought it is a pain to do it and no one could be bothered to make the effort.
And yes I was made to feel like I am having expectations that are too high

@Nottherealslimshady, pans are left on the hiob where they have been used. They are not even in the sink with water in, which I could understand.

If I call ds2 to tell him he needs to do the washing up, this means
1- he will grumble because ive asked him to do it rather than leaving him to chose when he is going to do it
2- I need to wait until he has finsihed (kitchen is small. I need the space on the worktop rather than the pans themselves)

Fwiw I usually don't do anything and wait for someone to step up. But it's just bugging me (probably more today because of other 'lay back' attitude from ds2 in other areas)

call them down and make them do it every single time without fail.

Eventually they will learn that sharing a house means that you can't always do what you want (or what needs to be done) when you want.

Could a compromise be that it doesn't have to be done straight away but it does have to be done by a certain time, eg, 10am.

I've had this argument so many times with flatmates so I know it's annoying. They make their dinner using every bowl, pot and pan in the house. All left out with food in them. "I'll clean them up on MY schedule, don't be so controlling"... Except their schedule is cleaning it up 5 days later. Too bad if I wanted to use the kitchen in those 5 days.

We found ds14 to be like this, we firstly asked that all chores be done by 5pm so he would start doing them at 4:50, for some things this just did not work as it caused mess others then had to work around. We came to the agreement that his chores could be done anytime he wanted with the exception of any pots/recycling which needed to be done straight after a meal which we all agree is fair and now he sticks to it.

Get a dishwasher.

In our house, you clean up after yourself for breakfast and lunch so it doesn't get left for the last person to sort everything ie milk back in the fridge after every cup of tea, wipe down the crumbs if you made them. And whoever hasn't made dinner, sorts out the kitchen after dinner.

Let's be the devil advocate.

Would it be OK to expect a partner/flatmate to always clean just after themselves and not at their convenience or ist that controlling?
There are many threads on here where people (or their partners) balk at the idea of someone telling them when to do things.

Same problem here with DP - he says 'Don't worry it will get done, stop asking me' then i'm ready to make dinner and he says 'well I wont wash up now, i'll just wait until after dinner and do it all at once' and I have to navigate around the mess, or start doing it myself at which point he will get up and do it, or refuse to cook until its done. Fingers crossed moving into a house with a dishwasher soon woohoo!

I am getting annoyed at the fact that none of them, incl DH, have any sense of responsibility when it comes to tidying up the kitchen and are all happy to 'delay' doing those chores (seemingly in the hope someone else will step up). But at the same time, I am aware that some people will see that as nagging

The things is that getting annoyed only affects you, they don't care enough about it.

When my two were younger (about 14-16) I had a strategy that worked well. If I asked them to do something and they either didn't do it at all or half did it I said nothing and did/completed it myself.

Next time they asked me for something - food, money, lifts etc - I calmly said no. When they asked why I simply said well I asked you to do [whatever] and you didn't so I don't feel inclined to help you either. No arguments, no 'nagging' or shouting. It only took a few times for the message to sink in and for them to start pulling there weight properly.

You can't change other people's behaviour, only your own or you reaction to them.

Their* obviously

it's fine to leave things until it impacts negatively on others. if you have your first cuppa after breakfast at 10.30, it needs to be done by then.

We have an 18yr old and a 25yr old in this house. 18 yr old is my Ds, so I expect him to clean his room etc and at least put dirty plates etc in the dishwasher. The 25 yr old would honestly win awards for slobbery, but here I blame my DH as he always does everything and never has the expectation that his son will step up in any way shape or form, so if they do it in their own time, at least they are still actually doing it would be my view point. The teenage timetable just doesn't work the same way, please don't end up doing it for them, but as a pp said, perhaps give them an extended time frame in which to do it, as they are very much 'in a second, in a minute, in an hour, sometime never' thinkers at that age

@nokidshere

I am getting annoyed at the fact that none of them, incl DH, have any sense of responsibility when it comes to tidying up the kitchen and are all happy to 'delay' doing those chores (seemingly in the hope someone else will step up). But at the same time, I am aware that some people will see that as nagging

The things is that getting annoyed only affects you, they don't care enough about it.

When my two were younger (about 14-16) I had a strategy that worked well. If I asked them to do something and they either didn't do it at all or half did it I said nothing and did/completed it myself.

Next time they asked me for something - food, money, lifts etc - I calmly said no. When they asked why I simply said well I asked you to do [whatever] and you didn't so I don't feel inclined to help you either. No arguments, no 'nagging' or shouting. It only took a few times for the message to sink in and for them to start pulling there weight properly.

You can't change other people's behaviour, only your own or you reaction to them.

Yes I agree with you there regarding changing your own behaviour/response.

But I don't want them to do xxx because I've asked them to do so. I want them to do ut because they know and FEEL it's THEIR responsibility iyswim.
Because, basically they are boys, will be men and I want them to know/fully understand that they are not merely helping or doing things because they are asked to. But because it's part of what ANYONE and EVERYONE does in a household if that makes sense.

But I don't want them to do xxx because I've asked them to do so. I want them to do ut because they know and FEEL it's THEIR responsibility iyswim.

Teenagers rarely think like that

You need to make them come back down and do it. Every time.

as they are very much 'in a second, in a minute, in an hour, sometime never' thinkers at that age

Well that's another bug bear of mine.
If you ask ds2 to do something (lets say out the table), he will always do it with a delay. He will always take 2~5 minutes before coming over and do it.
It means that someone else (usually ds1) has alerady started and got on with it and when he arrives there is little left to do. Not acceptable in my view (and yes they have many arguments about it!).
I also feel it is disrespectful because it is clearly sending the message that it's OK for him to make everyone wait. And that he is somehow above everyone else (or his needs and wants are).

I mean they are 15 and 16yo. If they were working (which they could both do, even if it's a paper round) they would never be able to get away with that sort of behaviour. So why would it be ok at home?

But I don't want them to do xxx because I've asked them to do so. I want them to do ut because they know and FEEL it's THEIR responsibility iyswim. Because, basically they are boys, will be men and I want them to know/fully understand that they are not merely helping or doing things because they are asked to. But because it's part of what ANYONE and EVERYONE does in a household if that makes sense

They are teenagers, they don't think like an adult. You have to navigate it until they do. My two are now 18 & 21, still need reminding on occasion but generally they do things without being asked. And it's not because they are boys, my friends teenage girls are just as bad (if not worse in some cases).

@Di11y

it's fine to leave things until it impacts negatively on others. if you have your first cuppa after breakfast at 10.30, it needs to be done by then.

This, all over.

It's not controlling, it's the expectation of respect.

And it's a great habit for them to develop for all areas of their life, too - it feels horrible to have something you don't want to do hanging over you all day.

Get it done and you don't have to think about it any more.

Would it be OK to expect a partner/flatmate to always clean just after themselves and not at their convenience or ist that controlling?
There are many threads on here where people (or their partners) balk at the idea of someone telling them when to do things.

It depends. Nobody wants to face a kitchen full of other people's shit when they go in to make their breakfast -but if that happened to me, I'd push it to one side, do my thing (and tidy afterwards) and tell whoever left stuff there to tidy it up now.

I had huge fights with my DC over this over the years (when they were teenagers i usually left the house before them and got back in time to rush to make dinner). If i couldn't go into the kitchen and do what i needed to make dinner, i had a bowl of cereal and left them to it. I actually went a week only washing my own utensils etc because i was sick of telling them to put it in the dishwasher. They're better now but still have that in-built teenager delay.

So now i say "that table needs to be laid by XX time" with about 10-15 minutes notice. I say "dinner will be on the table at xx time" usually with 15-30 minutes notice. Anyone not there, eats cold food.
And if they don't tidy away afterwards - i clean my utensils again and remind them how sick of it they were a few years ago

I don't think they are worse because they are boys @nokidshere.

I think that them not learning very clearly that that sort of attitude has the potential to become full on disrespect is more of an issue because they are boys. As in, when they are adults, they are more likely to leave HW/Cleaning to their partners because of societal expectations. And I really don't want them to think it's OK (I've had enough fights with dh on that subject and it is still not perfect)

I couldn't cope with that @Brefugee. Both because I hate a dirty kitchen when I am cooking and because I wouldnt be happy to settle for a bowl of cereal for myself either.

However, refusing to prepare lunch because the kitchen is a mess could be a way in (Food and the lack of would be considered a disaster by both dcs )

I think that them not learning very clearly that that sort of attitude has the potential to become full on disrespect is more of an issue because they are boys. As in, when they are adults, they are more likely to leave HW/Cleaning to their partners because of societal expectations. And I really don't want them to think it's OK (I've had enough fights with dh on that subject and it is still not perfect)

I totally agree with this. But they aren't adults they are teenagers and have teenage thought processes. The more you 'nag' or 'control' the less likely they are to do it. Tangible consequences (like not doing lunch or lifts etc) are far more likely to have a positive impact.

When I first got together with OH, we took turns to cook and the rule was originally, whoever cooked, the other did the clearing up.

That rule didn't last long!

I clear up as I go along so DH had very little to do whereas I had an absolute bomb site! So it's now cooking AND clearing up afterwards.