To ask for advice about my sons horrible behaviour

[FelicityBob]

Today my 4 year old boy came up to me and said “I’m going to smash you to pieces one day”. I get “I hate you” several times a day. Lots of talk about punching, kicking, fighting. Mixed in with some love.
His nasty words started when he started school. I put it down to mixing with older children. During lockdown he got better for a while, but the last few weeks have been awful again. There are the usual tantrums when he doesn’t get his own way, but it’s the nasty stuff that he says that really bothers me.
What can I do? Ignore it? Currently we have a smiley chart with happy faces and sad faces. He loves getting a happy face and gets really upset when he gets a sad face. I’ve tried talking to him about feelings, what makes him angry, why is he sad, etc. When he says nasty things I tell him that what he’s saying isn’t very nice, making mummy sad, etc.
Am I doing something wrong? Should I ignore him?
I restrict what he watches on tv and what games he plays on the tablet as he would choose fighting games if he was allowed. He wants to watch things with bad guys in.
Any advice gratefully received.

My DS is similar, he is completely into superheroes, baddies, fighting, punching, ninjas, smashing etc.

I do a mix of a few things mentioned - loving him in response, diffusing with humour are both successful. Occasionally losing my temper and giving him a row...

We do some books about emotions and we name how he is feeling.

I try not to worry too much because he is a very sweet, loving child and very placid and easy going most of the time. I think it's part of his development, he's just figuring out where the boundaries lie and how to regulate himself.

Stay positive and loving and keep at it.

Oh I feel for you it’s so hard.
Reinforce positive behaviour. Say things like “we don’t say unkind things to each other in our family” also tell him it’s okay to be cross sometimes and maybe if he’s cross he needs to find somewhere to calm down.
But if he is violent or you feel he is getting out of control then don’t be afraid to get very cross back. I think this works well if you do it rarely. Also always follow through on what you threaten.
That book My Big Shouting Day by Rebecca Patterson is fantastic for talking about anger.

I'd just ignore it. Just a simple ' oh dear!' or an eye roll and a laugh will do for now. Then change the subject. Don't engage with him. You could try ' what a silly thing to say' in a brushing off manner too.

Sounds about normal to me and something to just be aware of but ultimately ignored for now.

Whatever you do, stop giving him 'power' by letting him know it's upsets you. Act like he's not said it or address it in a really off hand way.

Consider your behaviour charts too. Just give smiley faces and no sad faces. So you're rewarding positive stuff and ignoring the negative stuff for now.

Trying all these suggestions today. No more sad faces on the chart, just happy ones. Laughing off weird violent talk. Stern “that’s not a nice thing to say” when he says something aggressive.
The one I’m not sure about is not saying it makes me sad? I think it’s good for him to know how he makes people feel by the things he says. But I see what you mean about power- maybe he wants to make me sad and it’s working.
He and his brother are currently jumping around upstairs shouting “I’ll smash the hulk” “I’ll smash the volcano” etc. I’m picking my battles and that’s not abnormal horrible playing, just normal pretend boy play I think.
Currently reading Raising Boys and I’ve also got How To Talk So Children Listen but not yet started.
Trying my best to be patient as I know when I get cross it makes him more angry.

You'll see this when you read How to Talk to Children but it's really useful to name what they are doing, so

It sounds like you're really frustrated!

And leave it at that. Don't try to fix it, don't judge as right or wrong, don't say anything further. Open the discussion and let them take it forward if they want to.

It might work for

It seems like you're trying to upset me by saying that!

Open the discussion and leave it there? Let him reflect and consider that perhaps and if he wants to discuss it, let him.

I'm not actually sure whether that will work or not but it's a new approach - you're simply stating what you think he is trying to do.

Is it possible that he generally needs to let off steam? One thing I have noticed since lockdown is that children have a lot more pent-up energy due to reduced activity and this can come out as anger/aggression. What would happen if you validated the feeling and offered a safe outlet? "Hmm, you're feeling angry/you don't like me right now. Want to go in the garden and stamp on the grass?".

@StatementKnickers

Is it possible that he generally needs to let off steam? One thing I have noticed since lockdown is that children have a lot more pent-up energy due to reduced activity and this can come out as anger/aggression. What would happen if you validated the feeling and offered a safe outlet? "Hmm, you're feeling angry/you don't like me right now. Want to go in the garden and stamp on the grass?".

Yes, it definitely has some boredom element and the days when we go out are better days. Although, last week my husband took them to the woods for a walk and he refused to walk and went stropping off back to the car and was really rude and aggressive when my husband told him off. He had comments from strangers then which really embarrassed him, things like “he’s a handful” and “wait til he’s a teenager”

Unless there’s anything else going on like bullying or a suspected underlying condition, I really would just play it down and ignore it.

My son is a similar age and goes through similar phases of being a bit fighty. I do think that it has to do with development - I read somewhere that boys get testosterone surges as they grow, which can make them more aggressive.

My son will come into the kitchen with fists swinging and say ‘mummy I’m going to hit you til you explode’ and when I tell him to stop then it’s, ‘I hate you! You’re a poo! I’ll kill you with poo!’ Etc, etc. I just stay calm and say oh well ‘I love you more than you hate me’ and then it turns into a bit of a game: ‘No, I hate you more than you love me’, ‘no, I love you MORE!’ Usually it ends up with us both laughing and it diffuses the situation.

I honestly think he just does it to see what my reaction will be. So I play it down and don’t reward the behaviour with too much attention.

for you OP, it is tough. My 4yo DS can be similar, I think for him it's because his twin brother often needs more adult help (medical issues). Before I had DC I heard the phrase "for small DC there's no such thing as good or bad attention, they just want attention" and now I fully understand what it means!!

The Colour Monster book has helped him too, it's aimed at slightly younger children but is good at showing him that people can feel more than one thing at once, and that you can separate and name those emotions. He still makes me read it so he can tell me that he's sad (for example) and then explain why.

And I would definitely second the need for exercise and fresh air... he is utterly horrid if he doesn't get out enough!! We walk a neighbour's dog which he loves doing, and it's a good way of reinforcing "kind hands" etc. Playgrounds were brilliant too as he could work off a lot of aggression with the running around and climbing. Hopefully we'll be able to do that again soon

It’s probably all compounded by the fact the we can’t go to the playgroup and we are currently isolating while awaiting a covid result so can’t go further than the garden. As soon as the result is back (and negative) he’ll back back to nursery which makes me nervous by hopeful that things will improve.

My 7yo nephew said things similar to this at a young age, he used to threaten to cut everyone in the house up, stab everyone etc. My sister used to hide knives out of reach after he somehow got them all out one night when everyone was asleep. He has ADHD and Asperger's. It's good you're requesting advice now. I would ask the GP if I were you just in case.