to ask advice on creepy flatmate?

[GettingAntsy]

I have been living with a flatmate since September. We didn’t know each other beforehand, we met through a flatshare website. Generally it’s worked well - we get along and have a similar lifestyle.

The problem is her view of our relationship is VERY different to mine. In my opinion we are flatmates who get along. In her opinion we are best friends forever. She can be INCREDIBLY clingy. Before lockdown started, I thought I was going to have to move away for work for several months. I told her I would sublet my room, but reassured her I would let her vet the new occupant and would only sublet to someone she was comfortable with. Then a couple of days later I learnt I didn’t have to move away for work after all. When I told her, she was so relieved and said that she had cried for hours, literally hours, when she thought I’d be moving away. Her boyfriend confirmed that, he said he’s never seen her so upset.

This has been getting worse recently. A few days ago I mentioned another girl I previously lived with, and this prompted an hour-long discussion of “Do you like her more than me? Is she more fun than me? Is she a better cook than me?” She asked me to list everyone I’ve lived with since I left home aged 18 and tell her whether I liked them more than her. This was all done in a jokey tone...but still, she was asking about it for an hour.

She frequently makes comments about how she wants to live with me forever, or marry me off to one of her friends so I stay in her life forever. She frequently asks “Do you really like me?” and “You won’t leave me, will you?” Again, in a jokey tone, but still.

At this point I should say I recognise that she probably has some emotional problems. A close friend of hers died suddenly a few years ago and I suspect that’s made her unable to stand the thought of any other relationship being severed. I do like her, I feel sorry for her, and I want to avoid upsetting her.

Nonetheless, as you can probably tell, this is REALLY creeping me out. We've known each other for less than 10 months! Ironically, if she stopped demanding constant reassurance of my affection, I would feel a lot more affectionate towards her!

So this is the problem: recently an old uni friend of mine has suggested we move in together (in the same city) in late Aug/early Sep, and I jumped at the chance. How on earth do I tell this girl that I am, indeed, “leaving” her? I’m worried she’s going to have a genuine meltdown and I’m going to have to deal with crying/passive aggression/even more clinginess. Should I tell her ASAP to give her some warning, or leave it till the last minute to delay the fallout? How do I break it to her as gently as possible? How do I “manage expectations” about how often we’re going to see each other after I move out?

[StressedMom4]

Could you talk to her and saying you're thinking of moving out. Just act a bit aloof and say a friends speaking to you about the idea of moving in but you're not sure if it'll happen.

See how she reacts to that (with the boyfriend there!) Then a month before you leave tell her it is definitely happening.

But I would tell your landlord asap just so they can sort out a tenant and stuff.

She sounds very insecure even though she sounds amazing on paper. Good luck OP!

[gutentag1]

Sounds like she's going to make a jacket out of your skin.

[donquixotedelamancha]

A close friend of hers died suddenly a few years ago...when she tried to move out of their shared flat.

[donquixotedelamancha]

On a more practical note, may I suggest aways having a hairpin on you for the next few months and watching this video before you tell her:

[SpookyNoise]

I think you should tell her sooner rather than later, so she gets used to the idea.

[StoneCold316]

@donquixotedelamancha

A close friend of hers died suddenly a few years ago...when she tried to move out of their shared flat.

😂

[FizzyGreenWater]

Honestly I would probably think seriously about reviving the ‘I’ve been told I have to move for work’ thing, give your notice etc then ooops, looks like it’s all off at the last minute but ahhh the room is let now, never mind you’ve got a lovely new housemate coming and luckily I’ve managed to find something with an old friend...’

[pearsandbears]

On a more practical note, may I suggest always having a hairpin on you for the next few months and watching this video before you tell her:
lol!

[MalcomTuckerisMyIdol]

Honestly leave it until closer to the time. If she has no control over who will go in your room there’s no real benefit. However assuming you have to give notice to your landlord - and she will maybe start showing people the room at that point your time will be up and she’ll need to know.

[MolyHolyGuacamole]

Ooooooh OP I feel like you're describing my flat mate! Expect we used to be fiends and I pulled away due to the clinginess.

She Doesn't even have a boyfriend though and struggles in all social relationships, pre lockdown the only people she hung out with were her parents and brother (brother has severe MH issues and lives and home still), parents seem very much to like coddling both her and her brother. And this woman is mid-thirties with a decent profession!

I just literally stopped inviting her along to things, she never texted anyone in our friendship group or made plans, so they also drifted apart. We have continued to live together for another 3 years but I finally took the plunge and got a place of my own! I'm so happy. Lockdown made me realise I'd rather live in a box than spend all that time with her with no escape so I went to stay with family for 3 months and did some soul searching. But what really pushed me was when I came back and was going to meet a friend in the park and she told me it wasn't fair that I wasn't hanging out with her as she hadn't seen anyone for the whole time. I felt like she has always put her happiness in my hands and expected me to fill the void she created herself and it was exhausting.

I'm moving out in a month's time and the feeling of a huge weight being lifted off my chest has made all the anxiety surrounding it worthwhile.

Just do it

[MolyHolyGuacamole]

@YouDirtyMare

I feel desperately sorry for her but you are not her counsellor or her best friend
You cannot be responsible for her emotional state
Be friendly but firm. Do not engage in conversations where she wants you to make comparisons

You've said it perfectly the way I was just describing how my current flat mate makes me feel!

[MolyHolyGuacamole]

@randomer

is it just me, or is the close friend dying thing a little odd?

[Maureenthecat]

She sounds infatuated with you. Are you older than she is? Girl crush.

I think tell her, and say you will keep being her friend. One you’re out, you can manage a gradual drifting apart.

[Happynow001]

I think I'd leave telling her until the last possible moment: ie after having formally signed off on your new home and told the landlord. I'd also tell her when her BF was there so he could help manage her emotions.

Do you have a lock on your bedroom door OP? I'd feel very uncomfortable sleeping in the same premises as someone who was SO very clingy but "just" a flat-sharer. All her intrusive questioning would have made me quite uneasy.

Don't make any promises about being her best buddy afterwards either - that's one of the reasons you are moving out.

[MzHz]

Don’t feel responsible for her, you’re not.

That’s a tactic she’s using. You know this.

I wouldn’t tell her until the last minute so you’re safe. Does she go and stay with boyfriend at all? Move stuff then

You are going to have to block her, you also know this.

[MzHz]

I pity the boyfriend too! Who in their right mind would willingly put up with this level of emotional blackmail?!

[Clumsyvolcano]

Maybe it’s just me but this seems a bit full on even for what she sees as a ‘best friend’ relationship. I get that she lost her friend but I started to think she might have deeper feelings for you reading that. It’s very odd.

[Doggybiccys]

@islandislandisland - OP better hide the stilletos!! 👠

[Yeahnahmum]

Leave her and move. She sounds so unhinged.

Tell her the news when her boyfriend is there. She is his responsibly (ish...) and not yours

[Yeahnahmum]

*he is responsible (ish...)

[Yeahnahmum]

O God I should not be typing anything

[tara66]

There is no point in telling her early. She will react however she reacts whenever she knows. It just means you would have to cope with it for longer. You are not married to her and did not pick her as a friend. Tell her why you did not tell her earlier when you leave. She might like the next person who takes your place at the property too.

[HollyBollyBooBoo]

I wouldn't tell her too early as you'll have to live with her for the next month or 2! You don't think she'd do anything harmful to either you or herself do you when she hears your news?

[Humberbear]

You could always suggest that maybe her boyfriend could move in and take your room! She may then become fixed on him moving in rather than you going.

[DuineArBith]

I don't really see how you can leave it to the last minute. Surely if the landlord needs to relet, prospective new tenants are going to have to come to see the flat?