to ask advice on creepy flatmate?

[GettingAntsy]

I have been living with a flatmate since September. We didn’t know each other beforehand, we met through a flatshare website. Generally it’s worked well - we get along and have a similar lifestyle.

The problem is her view of our relationship is VERY different to mine. In my opinion we are flatmates who get along. In her opinion we are best friends forever. She can be INCREDIBLY clingy. Before lockdown started, I thought I was going to have to move away for work for several months. I told her I would sublet my room, but reassured her I would let her vet the new occupant and would only sublet to someone she was comfortable with. Then a couple of days later I learnt I didn’t have to move away for work after all. When I told her, she was so relieved and said that she had cried for hours, literally hours, when she thought I’d be moving away. Her boyfriend confirmed that, he said he’s never seen her so upset.

This has been getting worse recently. A few days ago I mentioned another girl I previously lived with, and this prompted an hour-long discussion of “Do you like her more than me? Is she more fun than me? Is she a better cook than me?” She asked me to list everyone I’ve lived with since I left home aged 18 and tell her whether I liked them more than her. This was all done in a jokey tone...but still, she was asking about it for an hour.

She frequently makes comments about how she wants to live with me forever, or marry me off to one of her friends so I stay in her life forever. She frequently asks “Do you really like me?” and “You won’t leave me, will you?” Again, in a jokey tone, but still.

At this point I should say I recognise that she probably has some emotional problems. A close friend of hers died suddenly a few years ago and I suspect that’s made her unable to stand the thought of any other relationship being severed. I do like her, I feel sorry for her, and I want to avoid upsetting her.

Nonetheless, as you can probably tell, this is REALLY creeping me out. We've known each other for less than 10 months! Ironically, if she stopped demanding constant reassurance of my affection, I would feel a lot more affectionate towards her!

So this is the problem: recently an old uni friend of mine has suggested we move in together (in the same city) in late Aug/early Sep, and I jumped at the chance. How on earth do I tell this girl that I am, indeed, “leaving” her? I’m worried she’s going to have a genuine meltdown and I’m going to have to deal with crying/passive aggression/even more clinginess. Should I tell her ASAP to give her some warning, or leave it till the last minute to delay the fallout? How do I break it to her as gently as possible? How do I “manage expectations” about how often we’re going to see each other after I move out?

[Stefoscope]

I'd tell her boyfriend you're moving out before you tell her if possible. That way he can mentally prepare himself and you don't risk being left to deal with her outburst if it turns out he was on his way into work or something.

I would also mention this: 'Ironically, if she stopped demanding constant reassurance of my affection, I would feel a lot more affectionate towards her!' to him. That way he can filter the message back to her when she is inevitably tempted to bombard you with messages once you've left.

[Jux]

She doesn't have to be your friend forever does she? When you say you're friends, to what extent? Is she part of your group of friends, or does she tag along?

Do you mean you don't mind watching tv together, swapping old bf stories etc? Do you confide your lifelong desires and fears to each other, or are you just chatting in the kitchen while waiting for the kettle to boil?

[MzHz]

Agree @DuineArBith, but sometimes it’s not the case that they’re so desperate for cash that they can’t wait a week or so, and usually renting flat shares is a much quicker turnaround than a whole property rental. That’s why I said “LL may be in the position to delay” it’s worth asking in these odd circumstances

[madcow88]

@Royalbloo

Just he honest - you adore her and she's your friend but when she says X you feel X. You'll continue being her friend, because you like her not because she makes you, but you're moving out etc...

This! She may be mortified if she realises she has made you feel like this... treat her like an adult OP. Your talking about her like she is some psycho and unstable axe murderer which I am sure she is not. She just appears to have some attachment issues. Explain like an adult!

[madcow88]

@Royalbloo

Just he honest - you adore her and she's your friend but when she says X you feel X. You'll continue being her friend, because you like her not because she makes you, but you're moving out etc...

This! She may be mortified if she realises she has made you feel like this... treat her like an adult OP. Your talking about her like she is some psycho and unstable axe murderer which I am sure she is not. She just appears to have some attachment issues. Explain like an adult!

[MolyHolyGuacamole]

@MobLife but I don't see why it should make a difference whether or not they are involved in an intimate relationship? Hitting another adult is wrong, it's DV if it occurs within in an intimate relationship, it's assault if it does outside of one. I don't think that behaviour should be viewed differently simply based on relationship status. Toxic behaviour is toxic behaviour.

I agree with you that obviously there is a power imbalance between men and women, but seeing as there isn't a man in this story I don't think that argument works here.

Maybe I feel so strongly about this because I've been in a very similar experience to OP and it upsets me that my mental health should be allowed to be affected by someone else's behaviour by 'being nice'. I don't owe anyone anything

[MobLife]

Not sure why all the above has appeared in bold but anyway

[MobLife]

@MolyHolyGuacamole

To me yes, it would make a difference, because then the context is around an intimate partner relationship, which doesn't seem to be the case from what the OP has described.
So yes my response would have been different if the OP was talking about a relationship, as opposed to a friendship/flatmate
Women very rarely kill, and while there are exceptions to the rule (as there always are!) I'm not sure that bringing up a case from 1992 really helps, because it wouldn't change the fact that the is a power imbalance between men and women, and so yes my response to the OP would have been different if she was in a relationship with this person

But she's not!

@MolyHolyGuacamole I wonder if we've just misinterpreted each other here?!

[MolyHolyGuacamole]

@MobLife that's not all you're saying. My answer was in reply to:

We're in 2020 and yet here we are still describing fellow women as 'unhinged'

because the power imbalance is different between men and women, and unfortunately we live in a world where men hold power over women

So I countered that with the story of an 'unhinged' woman who tried to kill another woman. That's not unfair.

Would it make a difference to you if OP was in a same-sex relationship with a woman who grilled her about her ex-lovers and kept asking her to never leave her?

[GettingAntsy]

@WanderingFruitWonderer Thanks for this message. I really have thought about this a lot.

I guess I can be a bit of a people-pleaser, and have a habit of always pretending everything's fine and nothing bothers me. I also tend to avoid conflict or even disagreements at all costs, and I hate the idea of upsetting her, even if with the best of intentions to help her change her behaviour for the future.

I'm sure the conversation would be painfully awkward and to be honest I'm not sure I'm up for it. Also, I've definitely decided I don't want to continue the friendship after I move out, and if I had that kind of conversation with her I feel like she would definitely see it as guidance on how to behave around me in future, which I just...don't want at all.

I suppose the problem boils down to the fact that we are friends TO SOME EXTENT. If I thought we were "just" flatmates who had no personal connection at all I would be more open to the idea of (gently) telling her why I thought her behaviour was inappropriate, but because we are, in my opinion at least, casual friends, it seems so much harder...

[MobLife]

@MolyHolyGuacamole
Eh? Bit of a jump isn't it?!

Lets be fair now, all I'm saying is just be kind to her and thoughtful in the delivery of a message that she may find upsetting 🤷🏻‍♀️

[MzHz]

In actual fact, when I saw the thread title referring to “creepy flat mate” I wrongly assumed op was talking about a bloke.

My advice would have been the same. We’re not responsible for the feelings/happiness/security of flat mates, and this flat mate has shown themselves to behave inappropriately and in a manner that makes op uncomfortable

She can choose to end the arrangement any way she likes and it is advisable to protect oneself from those who display such irrational characteristics by whatever means is fastest and most effective/efficient

The flat mate is not a child, has support (for the time being at least) and people moving out of shared houses is par for the course.

[MolyHolyGuacamole]

@moblife the power imbalance didn't stop 17 year old Amy Fisher from shooting her (much older and definitely creepy) lover's wife in the face! Women can be unhinged too

[Jux]

Why she does it is immaterial, and NOT op's responsibility.

You're not comfortable with her, her behaviour towards you is not normal.

It's not your job to make her feel better, you have no responsibility towards her at all. Your only responsibility in that flat is towards your LL and the contract you have signed.

Leave. You'd leave even if it you were sharing with someone you got along with as you'd like to live with your best friend; this is entirely reasonable and rational. Give notice to your LL.

You don't even have to tell your creepy flatmate, it's not in your lease that you have to inform the people with whom you share what your business is, is it?

If she were 'normal' you would let her know at some point that you were off, and that's the full extent of whatever 'obligation' you feel towards her that you need to do, but you don't have to go even that far let alone any further.

[MobLife]

That should have read 'of course' not 'oh course' 🤦🏻‍♀️

[MobLife]

Oh course the advice would be different if it was a man 🙄 because the power imbalance is different between men and women, and unfortunately we live in a world where men hold power over women

It's just about having a bit of humanity and being kind, not jumping on the 'oh she's unhinged she's creepy ooohh errrr'
It's possible to hold in mind someone's feelings AND protect yourself

[MolyHolyGuacamole]

She owes the flat mate absolutely nothing, she has a responsibility first and foremost to protect herself.

Absolutely this. There's a small sub-section of opinions on Mumsnet that boggles the mind. Again, if this were a man, the advice would be VERY different. OP isn't a trained professional, if flat mate has such difficulty navigating relationships, she needs therapy, not an 'understanding' adult. It's not like they're friends, that's only in the flat mate's mind. Why should OP have to give of her mental energy to appease someone that she doesn't have any real relationship with?

[DuineArBith]

@MzHz

It may be that the LL is in a position to delay showing the room until you’re gone or about to go. Or she could choose a tenant that won’t get affected by her nature

Most landlords are anxious to install new tenants without delay, which means allowing prospective tenants to look around whilst the current tenants are still in the property.

[MzHz]

I don’t know that this would be any different if the tenant was male.

Unhinged is unhinges and the flat mate is female. This flat mate is behaving in an inappropriate manner, it bothers and disturbs the Op and she’s taking steps to leave.

She owes the flat mate absolutely nothing, she has a responsibility first and foremost to protect herself.

[MobLife]

@WanderingFruitWonderer
Exactly this

We're in 2020 and yet here we are still describing fellow women as 'unhinged'

By your own admission she's recently suffered a bereavement, and who knows what the effects of social isolation are on her mental wellbeing.
It sounds like she could be really struggling with anxiety and trying to navigate difficult emotions around loss. It sounds like you've been understanding and have some insight into how she might react
Please don't get caught up in some of the drama of what other posters are suggesting.
This person is an adult and deserves to be treated as such, it is not your responsibility to manage her reactions or feelings, but you are able to mitigate this by telling her in a kind and level way. Sooner rather than later sounds like a good idea as it will give her chance to get used to the news

[Honeyroar]

I think I’d tell her just when you’ve given notice. In the meantime start distancing yourself from the friendship a little. If she starts quizzing you about other flat mates or friends don’t answer and tell her you find it a bit weird all these questions and comparing. Don’t ever make her sound like she’s better/preferred to other flat mates. And spend more time out with other friends or something. Just step back from her.

[MzHz]

It may be that the LL is in a position to delay showing the room until you’re gone or about to go. Or she could choose a tenant that won’t get affected by her nature

[MzHz]

I think you need to level with the landlady tbh.

Tell her the situation and ask for her assistance/understanding in managing this. Your LL needs to know what’s going on, the last thing anyone needs is to stump up a wedge of cash and move in with this woman who will potentially make their life hell!

[Sally872]

Realise it is awkward but I would tell her as soon as confirmed because when new tenants come for a look she will find out, also it may be easier for her and LL if she suggests a new flat mate. And mostly because if you tell her at the last minute she may be more upset and this will drag on for longer.

Tell her now, she will be upset, she will get over it then leave hopefully as friends but possibly not.

Otherwise you might tell her, move out before she has come to terms with it and have her trying to stay involved or being angry with you for longer.

[WanderingFruitWonderer]

I've been thinking about it OP, and I actually wonder how well she would cope, or how much it would help you both, for you to have a sit-down chat with her? Be both honest and compassionate, and explain to her that some of her behaviour is somewhat inappropriate? She may genuinely not realise, and welcome the feedback. She may be surprisingly receptive, and grateful for your honesty.
I think we all have areas of our life/behaviour that we need help with.
I used to have a problem of being too talkative in the wrong situations, and I was very grateful to a kind friend who gently explained that I need to tone down the amount of words I use sometimes! I've worked on that since.
If she longs for friendship and human connection, it may be such a kindness to explain that her intensity has the opposite of the desired effect?
If you could find a way to explain it to her that wouldn't upset her, then is that an option? But you know her, and I don't. Maybe she wouldn't take that well? Anyway, just a thought...