Dilemma: Should we move back home?

[pigeon999]

Lots of people have commented that the lockdown has highlighted and illuminated many aspect of their lives, and many have questioned their choices.

For me, I moved here ten years ago. We moved here when the youngest was six years old. The children were very happy growing up here, and are in excellent schools. It has been a good move. The area is beautiful, and we have lots and lots of great friends. It is all good in theory. We are in the countryside for context.

But for the last six months/year (pre covid) I have been regularly feeling like I want to go back to my home town, the area where we grew up. I find myself constantly dreaming of moving back, and looking at houses etc.

My parents are still there and are getting older, as it is 200 miles away it hasn't been easy to support them from here, but we have managed to get them shopping etc. I miss them terribly.

I get on super well with my SIL and love dh's family, they all live there too. I miss the security of having family nearby, the lockdown has only reinforced this further.

I also miss the fact it is a much more sociable place, and here we live in the countryside and as much as I love the wildlife and peace, it is quite isolating. You have to be constantly organising things or you never see anyone!!
My home town is close to London, so my teen children would have better prospects when they get to the next stage (there isn't much here in the way of jobs apart from farming) and even dh's job has moved, so he now has a huge commute now actually closer to where we used to live.

I feel we don't have a safety net of having our family close by, as much as I love my friends, it is not the same. It feels to be a long way from the closeness and security of home, and having been ill recently I suppose I feel quite vulnerable now. If anything were to happen to us we are a long long way away from proper help and support. I can't imagine growing old here. It is strange how covid has only highlighted this feeling.

I don't know what to do.

We are coming up for a life junction where we could possibly move back, but I am worried I am looking back at my old life with rose tinted glasses, and dreaming of a lovely family life, close bonds and easy links to fun and excitement in London and perhaps none of this really exists anymore. I have a great life here on paper, so I don't know why I am not as happy as I should be. Maybe I have become ungrateful and complacent about my life here...but I do appreciate it, but it isn't making me happy anymore.

I am scared to make a big mistake at this point.

Tell me what you would do, what is your experience of this?

You need to look at why you moved away and whether the things that you were unhappy with then would still be there now. You'd also have to look at what you'd hoped for in your current home and whether you could have them if you moved back.

If your hometown is close to London, would you be looking at only being able to afford a much smaller home? That's not great with teenagers who are used to space.

Family is really, really important.

I'm sure it's lovely to have a big house and lots of space but at what cost?

I am always fantasising about being able to afford a big house in the country, but would prefer to be near my family. Having said that, I live seven miles away from the house I grew up in. My parents left but are still less than an hour away and I'm round the corner from my sister.

I love it

How old are your DC? It sounds like one of them is 16? If so you would be moving them partway through whatever post 16 course they are doing. Are any of your others close to GCSE age?

If the answer to the above is that it would disrupt post 16/GSCE study then I would wait a couple of years. If not and/or you can move before September then I would go for it.

The reason we moved here was for work and schools. What we thought would be a 'better' life for our children.
We were very happy with our old life, close to our family and very settled. The move was one of necessity at the time, but now we have lots of other options. The children are growing up, and will soon be going to university. I feel a bit lost here, I can't imagine being here without them.

Children would finish their education here, and we would move back afterwards. We are considering moving, as the school run is so long (nearly an hour) but I don't want to buy another house in this area if we are intending to leave once the dc have finished school.

My home town is close to London, so my teen children would have better prospects when they get to the next stage (there isn't much here in the way of jobs apart from farming)

Most young people consider themselves mobile when looking for jobs etc. Prospects in London are always appealing, there would be nothing stopping them moving there if you stayed where you are. They still might move away even if you move to your old home town.

Carefully consider if it is worth the upheaval fro your children and discuss it with them. You are thinking about leaving a place, which to all extents and purposes is their home town.

It’s hard for older children and teenagers to settle somewhere new, they won’t feel a sense of belonging. It’s possible they could engage in more risk taking behaviour to fit in with new friends( my personal experience as a teenager).

You don’t have to grow old where you are, could it be feasible for you to move in a few years once your children have left school?

Cross post! just saw your update about waiting till your children leave school.

Same situation however my family have moved a hour out of my home town. I’m moving to their new city. :)
Family is really important.

kitkat This is what I am worried about, I can't put my needs before theirs. So I would wait until the youngest was in university before doing anything.

My parents living an easy commute from London was brilliant when I graduated and living back at home helped me save for my own property while earning a good wage in London. DHs moved to the countryside as soon as he went to uni so he had to rent, he ended up with a small amount of debt and no savings because renting in or around London is astronomical. If you also have family support there I know what I'd do

Apart from disrupting your kids’ education - which you’re not planning on anyway - there doesn’t seem to be a single negative in moving back to your home town. Shorter, less tiring commute for your husband, family support, close to your parents so you can help out and enjoy the time they have left - what’s not to like?

I am concerned that my children will feel dislocated after university coming back to a different place...

I didn't go to university, so please can someone advise if when you head off, does it matter where you live afterwards? I pretty much moved out and lived in lots of different places, so I never really returned to my childhood home. My parents then moved to care for my Granny, and I got married. My children grew up in both places, so does it matter where they come back to? I feel like I should stay here because they have the most memories here, but if I could move tomorrow I would (I think)

I never went back. I met now-DH and we lived together for third and fourth year, with part time jobs all year round. I graduated in 2007 so I'm not that old either.

When I do go and visit my parents, only one of my friends still lives there (Yorkshire). All the rest moved to London or Manchester. It's their house, not mine. My room was long since redecorated!

Surely if your children are going to be universiy age or older by the time you move they will be quite capable of either visiting the area where you are now under their own steam in vacations etc if they want to keep up with friends there or they will be wanting to visit university friends at their homes or have them to yours. In terms of social life for them I don't think a move would necessarily matter.

I never really moved back after university. I moved to London to do the next stage of my training and I am still here over 25 years later.

I imagine it will be a little bit odd for them at first, but as a pp has said, they can go back to the place to visit their friends as and when suits.

School friends also like to visit each other for weekends in their Uni towns. More fun than staying at mum and dads!

You're luck you have lived in both locations so you already know how you feel about both an their advantages and disadvantages. Hopefully you will not be priced out of the near city location but you should watch prices as this might be the case.

You can’t live for your children. Once they’ve flown the nest they could end up anywhere. As pp have said, if they want to visit or live in the place you live now they’ll do that, regardless of whether you live there or not. One of the joys of having adult children is having freedom to make decisions about your life because those decisions have little effect on them.

Thank you for your messages, it is really helping. I guess I don't want the children to feel rootless, but maybe they don't care anymore - I know I didn't as a teenager. I was getting on with my own life and was not interested in any childhood stuff full stop. Couldn't wait to leave!

I spoke to them earlier, they have memories of their childhood back in the old place, and so at least they have that I suppose. I don't think they will be able to afford a place of their own. My nieces and nephews are all still at home (they are ages 21, 23, 25, 25, 28 and 30) none have moved out yet, all have good jobs. So when they come back to us, which they may well do, I would like them to feel at home, have friends etc.

I wish in some ways we had stayed put. I have older parents that will need support hours that are hours away, I have most of my family hours and hours away and there are no jobs here so what will my dc do anyway!!!!

Think about this people if you get lured by the countryside!!

My nieces and nephews are all still at home (they are ages 21, 23, 25, 25, 28 and 30) none have moved out yet, all have good jobs

Anyone with a good job can afford to rent/house share, even in London. Maybe not in the most desirable locations, but not in the worst areas either. If they are earning graduate salaries, they should also be able to save up for a house deposit.

They have either decided to stay at home to save for a mortgage deposit more quickly, or they like having more disposable income. As they have good jobs, what they are doing is a lifestyle choice, not a situation that is born out of necessity.