To wonder why parents judge each other's parenting standards so much?

[malificent7]

Out of all the things i was not expecting whilst pregnant, the judgement from other parents was one thing i had no idea about.
These are the things i have been judged on so far:
Being a single mum.
Breast feeding for too long.
Not enjoying breast feeding.
Being too soft on dd.
Being too hard on dd.
Going to work. Not working.
Dd fell through a stair gate ( this got gossiped about although she charged at high speed before i could stop her.)
My choice of school.
I have comments such ass " ive noticed you do xyz"
Dd gets an allowance of a small amount from her dad each month. Apparently this is too much ( it isn't and she gets clothes from this.)
Dds choice of bands must be down to me,

( i am no mega fan of Lil Mix!)
I could go on and on.
Why dont other parents keep their noses out and opinions to themselves?
And im a firm beleiver that dd is her own person and despite my best efforts, if she dosnt like eating fish or whatever ....that is not down to me!!

It's definitely insecurity. It's a cliché but it's more about you than them.

What I find hard about parenting is that there's relatively few right or wrongs so it's easy to feel like you've made the wrong choice or to doubt yourself, which leads to listening to others' opinions.

I think single mums are judged more...after all...we started by choosing a " bad" man or failed to keep a good man!

I think single mums are especially picked out and onto a loser from the beginning. I think it's also in insecurity thing. If you can pick fault with other parents parenting, it means you are doing that right.

Points out the undervalued way Mothers are viewed.

Omg yes, I’ve never felt so much judgement in my whole life. I got called a bad mum by a stranger because my sons shoe lace was untied and I said I would do it in a minute, was holding a lot of heavy bags and we were standing still so no chance of falling! It’s like people are just waiting around to judge.

Yes I agree single mums definitely get judged more, I’m a lone parent to 4 and even family judge.

To be honest, when the baby is here I am going to surround myself with open-minded people and will have little time or patience for those who wants to judge my choices. For this reason, I have decided not to put many of my parenting decisions on this forum because I know how judgemental people can be and no one needs that.

Single mums are very threatening to male interests. It shows we don’t need them.

It is very annoying. Thankfully, I've noticed that I deal with far less judgement from strangers the older my kids are. When they were little, I got weird judgemental comments for everything, but now I can't remember the last that happened beyond general compliments or stink eye.

Maybe it's because the kids can now talk back well to those who might try it or maybe it's that there is significantly less time spent in small groups where one's main role is mum.

Directly you have children you are public property.

I definitely agree it says more about them than you and its down to insecurity but it could be down to your own insecurity to. I very very rarely feel judged for my parenting choices but I am very confident in my own choices and couldnt give a shit what anyone else thinks. Not trying to sound like a cocky so and and so there btw.

I also try to avoid conversations where there is a lot of debate. I'm very pro breastfeeding but I never bring it up, same with anti smacking, some things we dont really need to talk about all the time because I'm happy in my choices and would never want to put anyone down for their choices

The breastfeeding thing is just bonkers. Why the fuck do strangers care how I feed my child?

The conclusion I’ve reached is that it often comes from a place of insecurity. Many women do struggle to breastfeed. For those who persevered through the challenges, going to extraordinary lengths to be able to breastfeed, I think they feel threatened by women who, early on, say “fuck this for a game of soldiers”, give up and are like “Yeah, it was too much hassle for me, it was making me and my baby incredibly unhappy, so I switched to formula”. They somehow feel it invalidates their choice, or minimises the time (and often money) they’ve invested, so they criticise women who took the “easier” path by switching to formula, pointing out WHO guidelines, “breast is best” etc. As if the vast majority of formula-users on this site don’t know all that already.

It’s totally illogical and a waste of energy.

For many, having children is still a status symbol.
That's why for them, the arena of parenting is filled with status anxiety - a constant worry about who is doing best and who is doing the poorest. You need discussion and judgement to work out everyone's place in the parental pecking order.

My children tell me I am much too judgemental, but I usually do my judging quietly or privately. There are some things I think where we should judge other parents' choices. For example, I
have seen and judged parents for:

Smoking whilst pregnant. A (pregnant) smoker woman told me once that smoking while pregnant was a good idea because then the baby would be born smaller);

Smoking in a house or car with children (or pregnant partner) present;

Not ensuring that babies and toddlers are properly protected from the sun;

Giving babies and toddlers drinks in bottles (other than milk or and water), and feeding them burgers, crisps, and sweets;

Allowing children to run round the supermarket screaming and pulling things off the shelves.

I wouldn't judge any of the things in the OP's list and have obviously been been 'guilty' of some of them myself.

Thank God none of my friends are like this, mainly because I wouldn't be friends with people like that.

However, on occasion I do hear others make very judgy comments, and I like to respond with "I'm far too busy trying to do a good job raising my gang to bother with what others are doing"....

But those that I tend to hear judgy comments from, tend to be the ones that I would be a bit🙄 about...😗🤣

You need to chose better company. I have had 3 dc and have never experienced an judgement from another parent.

Cripes, even being judged is your own fault OP!

I wouldn't judge anyone from giving their child burhers and chips unless they were under 6 months...then i admitt i may judge! But a 6plus month old/ toddler...nah!

Burgers

Now i am being judgy!!

What’s wrong with burgers? My homemade burgers are delicious and no less healthy than Spag Bol or whatever.

Ok. I'd make an exception for homemade burgers if the child was over about 8 months!