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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not make my sister my MOH?

46 replies

harddecisionseveryday · 29/06/2020 17:41

I am due to be my sisters MOH next year.
She is expecting to be mine.

I love her so much, she truly has a heart of gold and we talk all the time. But she is also very childlike, and I know if we were friends I would have ended the friendship by now due to her childlike behaviours.

These childlike behaviours are for example taking her problems out on me when she's down. She can be mean and spiteful just like a child would do to their sibling. But it will only be because she's angry about something in her own life, and we both know this, so I will ignore her mean comments and an hour later she's back to her usual fun loving self. It can be weekly ups and downs like this with her. It would be truly horrible if I took them to heart, instead its just draining and her unpredictability is unpleasant. She only has one proper friend who is a fantastic friend to her and joint MOH with me, but my sister doesn't treat her like this, just me because I am her sister I expect.

I talk to my sister more than my friends, but I trust my friends more, we have a lot more in common, and they treat me a lot nicer.

I have lots of friends so much so that it would be impossible to pick a set bridesmaids without upsetting others, who would have expected to be in the top few. I have painfully narrowed it down to three friends, none who know each other, but all who have been the most incredible friends over the years. And then theres my lovely sister, who I love, but I just don't think has supported me as much as the other three. I know my sister is an easy choice for MOH but I would rather give that place to one of my friends who has chosen to be by me.

My sister would not forgive me and has made it clear in the past she expects to be my MOH, in a jokey but serious way. My family would have a problem with me not picking her because from what they see we get along so well, she family, and when it comes to her childlike behaviour 'she doesn't mean it you know what she's like'.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Tiredmum100 · 29/06/2020 20:50

I don't see the point in a MOH. Sorry it's just a title? I had 4 bridesmaids, my sister, cousin and 2 friends. None of them were MOH. What do you expect from your MOH?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 29/06/2020 20:55

Agree with all the PP. There is no law about duties that friends, bridesmaids and a MoH have to do at weddings. You can literally just tell her that's what she is, and leave it at that. For the sake of semantics I'd not cause a family rift. Also if you ditch her are you sure that she would behave herself at your wedding if she came or would she try and subtly ruin it? I would also consider picking a no bullshit bridesmaid with the role of keeping your sister in check

billy1966 · 29/06/2020 20:59

OP, your sister sounds like an entitled pain the arse who uses you as her emotional punching bag.

I read that you are pissed off with her but refuse to really admit it.

Why would you want to be in close contact with someone who is so unpleasant to you with such regularity.

I would make a lifestyle choice to back away from your sister and explore why you put up with her awful treatment of you.

You coukd do with some help with your boundaries.

You sound like a really nice person who is putting up with being treated badly and instead of reacting you are suppressing your anger.
This is why you don't want her as your MOH.

Focus on putting boundaries in place regarding her behaviour.

Counselling could be very good for you to help you navigate thisFlowers

1300cakes · 30/06/2020 04:00

Something you don't seem to have noticed in all this hand wringing is that you aren't actually her MOH. You are "joint MOH", that isn't really a thing, seems like she wanted her friend to be MOH but didn't want to leave you out! Why not make all your bm "joint MOHs", have 10 MOHs if you want.

Limpid · 30/06/2020 04:14

Have you just swallowed all the wedding magazine bumf or something, OP? Will your wedding also be ‘incomplete’ without a colour scheme, a choreographed first dance, and personalised wedding favour fridge magnets?

Jockjockjock · 30/06/2020 06:15

Your sister, hands down. You will always have her but friends, even good ones come and go.
Dong call it that, she can just be your best woman, or witness or whatever.
It’s an easy one, no friend will feel offended at not being given the role when you have a sister.
Lost count of the number of people I know who are no longer in touch with their MOH who were friends, and in 20 or 30 years it will be more important to you looking back that your sitter was by your side

Sailingblue · 30/06/2020 06:24

You don’t need one and if you do, just name your sister. It’s basically meaningless. Why on earth would you feel your wedding would be incomplete without one?

Finfintytint · 30/06/2020 06:42

Do you want to get married or are you just focusing on this wedding gumf?
Just get married! I didn’t feel the need for all the extra stuff. No bridesmaids, MOH, flowers etc. Stop being part of a very expensive machine.

MrsTolerance · 30/06/2020 06:58

Why do you need a MOH? I wasn’t even aware this was a thing. Don’t let some traditional ‘rules’ from a wedding magazine dictate your day. I just had bridesmaids. I’ve also been bridesmaid 4 times and, if we had different roles, it must have gone over my head completely. However, if you are insistent on having one, I’d choose your sister

Bebbanburger · 30/06/2020 07:03

Just have your sister..otherwise you will end up having to choose between your friends which may not be easy. Really all she is going to do extra is sign the register to so who cares and it keeps the peace

fuckinghellapeacock · 30/06/2020 07:24

Don’t have any bridesmaids all - why create stress where non is needed.

MindyStClaire · 30/06/2020 07:30

Definitely don't have one. I would've had my cousin but she died a few years before and it didn't seem right to have anyone else, so I split the jobs between the three bridesmaids. One signed the register, one walked down the aisle last, one made a (quick) speech.

Another friend had four BMs and never mentioned picking a MOH and just said to me on the morning of the wedding that if the priest asked the maid of honour to do anything, would I step up.

Aside from organising the hen bridesmaids don't do much on the day other than hover, you don't need one in charge.

SummerBreeze23 · 30/06/2020 07:34

I think if I'm honest you're making a bit of an unnecessary drama out of this. You're her "joint" MOH so you can have two as well, the person you actually want and your sister too (tbh it sounds like that's what she's done so I'm guessing the feelings you have about your sis may be mutual?)
This really isn't worth causing a family fall out about. As pp have said it is only a title at the end of the day.

maras2 · 30/06/2020 07:47

It's our 45th Anniversary in July.
I had my lovely 4 year old Niece as Bridesmaid and my Mum to sign the register.< very unusual for the time >.
It was a complete wedding and has been a complete marriage.
Best wishes with whatever you decide. Flowers

Charleyhorses · 30/06/2020 07:53

Separate the 2 things.
Address your relationship with your sister. Don't complain behind her back. Decide how you are going to deal with her going forward. If she is upset about something, do not accept her being horrible to you. Point out that is what she is doing and you are doing it because you are both adults and it's affecting your relationship
If you improve the relationship the other problem goes away imho

Livpool · 30/06/2020 08:17

I didn't even have any bridesmaids.

The only thing I definitely wanted was for my DM and MIL to be the witnesses and mothers are left out otherwise

TeenPlusTwenties · 30/06/2020 08:53

Picking your sister as chief bridesmaid makes everyone happy.
Your sister and family expect it.
Your 3 close friends might be put out if you chose one of the others, but they can't argue with it being a sister.
There are only 2 extra duties surely

  1. organise hen do - but you can do that yourself if you want or ask one of the others if they know more of your friends or whatever
  2. take your bouquet for the service
redwoodmazza · 30/06/2020 12:11

I didn't have ANY bridesmaids! I didn't want any children at the wedding and my best friend was far too picky about what she would or wouldn't wear, that it was just easier to have no-one!!!
My best friend was a witness.

2pinkginsplease · 30/06/2020 12:16

THis was the reason I had 1 bridesmaid, my cousin, as I couldn’t pick between friends .

I’d go for just having bridesmaids and getting your sister to sign as a witness, she will always be your sister, your friends might not always be your friends,

Original poster
harddecisionseveryday · 30/06/2020 17:30

thank you for everyone who has given me advice about dealing with my sisters character, I have found this really useful and didn't even come her for that. she is a lovely person but with massive flaws x

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 30/06/2020 17:46

I was hoping to be my sisters MOH when she gets married, but she's not having any bridesmaids. Gutted but, it's ok. We get in really well. So it's nothing personal.

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