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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband waste of space

27 replies

Pinkyandthebrainy · 29/06/2020 15:02

Hi, long time lurker, never posted.

I feel like I have a man child, any time, which is quite rare, when I have a lay in,(a little more lately as im kept up at night sorting them all and still breastfeedinglittle one) 'd'h gets up with the kids, we have 4. When I then get up I find the place in a total mess, dishes piled up still needing washed , toys all over, often the kids haven't had breakfast.

He tells me they didn't ask/ they weren't hungry. They are children, they need their food regardless if they ask or not.

So this morning i had a lay in, got up at 11 came down by 12 after shower, the 1st thing they tell me is dad Didnt give us breakfast, we are hungry. So I say to him why didn't you feed them, its lunchtime now they should've been fed ages ago and now be having lunch, his response as always, they weren't hungry. I say it's funny how they're only never hungry when u get up with them. He then goes in a strop and says, in front of the kids, I must have a problem with my head, a serious problem. I told him don't talk to me like that especially in front of the kids. He then starts the silent treatment.
I've also recently been waking up with him touching me, which he knows I hate.(I was abused when young so have bad anxiety around this) I told him again to stop it and explained just because I'm his wife doesn't mean he can just do what he likes without my consent. His response was he will sleep on the couch instead, am I wrong in thinking this is not a normal reaction??

I feel like a complete idiot, and trapped. I am the one constantly here for the kids, do almost everything around the house , he often cooks dinner, but that's about it. I don't have anyone to talk to, so don't have any other perspective on this sham of a marriage.. though I know in myself it's not right.
He has a few female friends, which is not a problem, but his behaviour towards them is a problem, he often calls them late at night after I've gone to bed , I know this as yes I've had that gut feeling and checked his phone.
I've confronted him many times and always dismissed as me being insecure.

I'm just so worn out with everything and feel lost. I know I should leave but how can I when I have no income of my own and also stupidly have a feeling that I need to stay for the kids, knowing in my heart it's worse for them if we stay.
Sorry for ranting on but I've just had enough..

Thank you if you have got this far.
Not really sure what I'm asking, if anything, but I just need to get it all off my chest somehow.

OP posts:
UnfinishedSymphon · 29/06/2020 15:04

He's sounds like an abusive twat and if I would be making plans to leave personally

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/06/2020 15:10

He's neglectful to the children and abusive towards you.

There's really only one answer, isn't there?

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 29/06/2020 15:12

I feel I’ve read this before sadly.

Agree with PP. leave.

Cherrysoup · 29/06/2020 15:13

He doesn’t feed the kids?! Bloody hell, aren’t they screaming for food?

Really simple: write a list of pros and cons of staying with him. Bet you I can tell you which is longer. Touching you without consent is a huge, huge no no. ‘Threatening’ to sleep on the sofa/withdrawal of affection is a big red flag, abusive.

P1ainJanine · 29/06/2020 15:15

It sounds like you have five children, and no husband. Apart from the pervert who shares your bed.

Sooobooored · 29/06/2020 15:16

Why would he have four kids and do nothing with them, not even feed them?

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 29/06/2020 15:17

Presumably if the kids were actually hungry they’d have asked him for some breakfast. Or poured themselves cereal? How old are they?

Time to start getting them to be more independent so that they’re not relying on that useless sack of spuds to help them. And time for you to start planning to separate, so that you’re not relying on him either.

Honestly it’s easier to be a single mum than in a shitty marriage with a man-child. You will be eligible for some financial support if you have young children, and he will also have to pay you child maintenance.

If he’s incapable of looking after his DCs for a single morning you may not want to push for him to have them overnight on his own yet, but even the most feckless twat can manage an afternoon at the park or McD etc so you’ll even get some time off every once in a while.

Life’s too short. LTB Flowers

Whatisthisfuckery · 29/06/2020 15:25

So, he’s a neglectful father; he sexually assaults you in your sleep then punishes you when you tell him to stop; he’s emotionally abusive because he gives you the silent treatment when you point his shitty behaviour; and he lies to you about his contact with other women.

OP why do you think you would be doing the best thing by your DC by hanging around and modelling this relationship to them?

Honestly you’d be better off and less stressed if you were a single parent. Yes it can be hard financially, but you’d just have to do what we all do and get by. At least you wouldn’t be teaching your DC that his behaviour is what they should expect in a relationship.

How old are you OP? Do you really fancy another 40, 50 years of him? Even another 18 while the DC grow up will grind you down to nothing. Why would you piss the best years of your life and your DCs’ childhoods up the wall on this prat? And it’s not just the time you spend with him either. The longer you spend having your self esteem ruined, the more difficult it is to build yourself back up again, so you can easily stick another decade on top if you stick around till the kids are old enough to leave home.

God OP, just think of the future, because there will be one, and you really don’t want to spend it with an emotionally and sexually abusive arsehole, and you don’t want your DC thinking that’s how a husband behaves either.

Nonexistant · 29/06/2020 15:33

Some of this sounds very similar. I’m still with my husband but I’m falling apart. He puts his hands down my underwear without permission, I’m always the “problem”, he only shows interest in me when he wants sex, he talks over me or changes the subject to something he wants to talk about. I’m never heard. When the kids were babies he said he’d be more interested when they were doing something, he wasn’t. Be stronger than me and call it a day. My soul is destroyed

Serendipity79 · 29/06/2020 15:39

Two years ago this was my life. Exactly as you described it above, and it was lonely, soul destroying and it wreaked havoc with my mental health. I am now free of the awful man I married and happy on my own with the kids.

Please find some strength and leave this man.

PopPopPopPopPop · 29/06/2020 15:49

Op, get rid of him and buy ready meals. Sounds like all you will miss is the mauling and that has to be a good thing.

just5morepeas · 29/06/2020 16:08

Touching you without your consent is sexual assault.

Lewem · 29/06/2020 16:23

He sounds like my husband (minus the sexual assault) and not on the same scale, but he is the same with our 3 pets.. I always feed them when I get up but if he gets up first or is home alone with them, he always forgets to feed them, and says they didn't look hungry! Luckily we have no kids and Im in the process of ending the marriage (see post - husband addicted to hobby)..

Life is too short to waste with these useless men-children

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 29/06/2020 16:38

@Nonexistant it’s not too late for you either. Yes he’s ground you down, but you recognise that and that’s the first step Flowers

Busymum45 · 29/06/2020 16:42

Hi,
How long has he been this way?

LannieDuck · 29/06/2020 16:47

Did he remember to have breakfast? If he did, I think that's even worse :(

user12699422578 · 29/06/2020 16:49

He is abusive to you and your children. Get rid of him. Protect them.

Nottherealslimshady · 29/06/2020 16:53

God he sounds awful. I'd also be telling your kids when they ask you for breakfast that they should have asked their dad first.
Definitely send him to the sofa if he's groping you in your sleep. Then at least you can have more lay ins because the kids will wake him up when they get up.

I wanna tell you to get rid but you already know you should and you will one day

LavaLamp5566 · 29/06/2020 16:53

I agree with what everyone's saying; You have to leave OP

He's touching you in your sleep - Which is sexual assault as everyone's been telling you. And he's neglecting feeding the kids.

Why would you stay with someone like that?

Itsjustabitofbanter · 29/06/2020 16:54

Did he feed himself op? So he neglects his children’s basic needs, sexually assaults you and emotionally blackmails you when you complain? What a catch

Original poster
Pinkyandthebrainy · 29/06/2020 17:21

Thanks all of you, I know I need to leave. Just needed to hear it from others I guess.
I cant take any more, I'm a slither of my former self, he has worn me down for so long.

Sorry to those going through the same x some men can be so horrible

OP posts:
sunshinesheila · 29/06/2020 17:24

He is abusing you. Please gather yourself and get out of their for yourself and your children. It will be hard, but If you get out now you can make a life for yourself and bring them up how you would like without them growing up to think this is how men treat women.

sunshinesheila · 29/06/2020 17:29

As someone has put upthread, I too was in a similar position. Life is so much better on my own. I really enjoy life now. Got myself a job and have a puppy, made friends and see my family more.

It will feel like a massive mountain if you think about it all at once. Sorting everything out and getting out of there. Or getting him out if it's your house!?..
Don't think about it all at once. It will all come together if you just get that ball rolling and go with it.

coffeeandpyjamas · 29/06/2020 17:29

From your description he sounds like he has literally no good or redeeming qualities. Leave this awful waste of space.

Rainycloudyday · 29/06/2020 17:29

You 100% need to divorce him. Your life and your children’s will be immeasurably better for it. Not feeding them anything until lunchtime is neglect, that is extremely serious. And don’t get me started on the sexual abuse. Just please, please leave him.