Tips on how to get my life on track

[Verity35]

I really want to feel happier for my kids sake. I just feel really lost and alone. I’ve been depressed for a while but I feel I’m getting worse and worse with every year that passes. I’ve had a really shitty childhood and grew up very dysfunctional family. I have a superficial relationship with them such as seeing them a few times a year and sending my nieces n nephews cards n presents etc. But there’s no bond really. I married my husband as he made me feel secure and it was a way (I thought) to re-build my life. He has in all honesty helped me feel a little more “normal” and given to a small extent a glimpse into normal family life but there’s no real love there. I feel very alone and lonely in my marriage. I know if I had married a more loving and caring man then all my pain from the past would be healed a little.

I don’t want to carry on living my life with “poor me” attitude. I want to build myself up and be happy. Here’s what I’m thinking:

1. get into shape so I feel more confident
2. take care of myself by having my hair done
3. building a good network of friends and not keep thinking “why would anyone want to be friends with me”. I have over the years met done lovely friends but I know I’ve pushed them away as I don’t feel sociable very often due to my low mood. 4). Work on my anxiety and low self esteem

How else can I build myself up?

Get some counselling op.

Stopping drinking has also been amazing for my anxiety levels.
Do loads of exercise, yoga, swimming.
Be kind to yourself x

Thanks smile for response. I didn’t find counselling helpful as I’d pour my feelings out and feel crap then the session ended and would happen again week after! I think counselling is not for me. I also did cbt to change my thoughts but didn’t work.

I know if I had married a more loving and caring man then all my pain from the past would be healed a little.

I disagree.

The kind of trauma you've experienced makes it natural to feel a need to be rescued and to search for someone to fill that role, but unfortunately it doesn't fix things and can actually keep problems going instead.

You need to learn to be your own rescuer, to care for and nurture yourself in the way you needed when you were young and still need now.

I think addressing your trauma would be more effective in the long run than trying to change your external appearance (which in a way is just you telling yourself yet again that you're not good enough).

There's a book by Judith Herman called Trauma and Recovery. It covers the childhood elements and the impact in adulthood. You may find it helpful.

Making sense of your trauma and how it has affected you is the first step to being able to do something constructive and effective about it. Anything else is just a sticking plaster.

Counselling is not recommended as a treatment option for trauma. CBT for trauma only really works if it is aimed at trauma and delivered by someone trained in treating trauma, not generic "anxiety/depressio." models delivered by therapists without any understanding or expertise in trauma. Even then it's not always right for everyone.

Proper trauma therapy would have a greater likelihood of success, or at least being helpful.

If you haven’t already then make an appointment with your gp. I agree you might benefit from counselling but you may also need medication if you’re not already taking any and if you are your dosage may need to be adjusted .

It might also be worth looking into some self help books to help you work on your anxiety. I’m afraid I don’t have any recommendations but if you ask on here posters will be able to point you to books that have helped them

Exercise and healthy eating can help too. I mean it’s not a cure but I definitely find both help with my state of mind and when I let things slide my mood and motivation for everything gets low.

In addition to trying to address the background you mentioned, if you have the time and money, I've seen some people benefit from taking a tangential approach in picking an area to try and build your capability over years and excel.

As well as a positive focus away from your difficulties, there may be opportunities to build social contacts, have a positive example in another area for your children to see you doing things outside the home and trying to earn.

Depending on your aptitudes and interests and your current career/job, this could range from 'proper' crafts to programming or others.

I know it sounds facile and I know it won't be easy and there will be a hundred barriers but if you think on a, say, fifty career horizon, you might find something that could be viable over time.

Good luck.