To set boundaries with Mother now or wait till DC

[Yesterday22]

AIBU to set boundaries with overbearing mother now or wait till D.C. is born?

For background, I have a difficult relationship with my mother; controlling behaviour, emotional abuse etc. Years of work to build a functional relationship. She was not willing to accept her behaviour and refused to make changes, so this has been about me managing her behaviour and keeping boundaries.

On average I visit her 4 times a year. She usually visits me & DH twice a year for an afternoon / go for a meal. We exchange messages in a family group chat every few weeks, no one to one messages. This has worked well and we haven’t had a disagreement nor has she been verbally abusive towards me in 6 years. I also managed to get engaged, plan a wedding, get married etc without any fallouts, which would have previously been impossible.

I am 14 weeks pregnant and after an early scan at 11 weeks I told her. I would have preferred to wait longer but DH wanted to tell his parents and I felt it fair to tell her on the same day. I knew she would be excited, however this will be her third grandchild (brother has 2x DD) so I wasn’t expecting such a strong reaction.
Although DH and I are happy for her to have a relationship with baby, we made it clear we would not depend on her for childcare or other “help”. Despite this she began listing plans for her being there for childcare, travelling to us to do housework, cooking meals as she believes I am not eating properly (she didn’t ask, just assumed), asked for dates and times of appointments, wants a list of supplements I’m taking, and made it clear she feels both our kitchen and bathroom need renovating immediately. She has since text me at least 3 times per day with questions and unsolicited advice. She has text to say she is very upset that I am not telling other members of the family and wider friends until after next scan, despite my explanation regarding concerns of MC etc. She is also unhappy I am accepting second hand items (buggy, car seat etc) from friends instead of buying new, and disagrees with our plans to make our spare room a nursery as she feels the baby won’t need a nursery for the first year.
Its stressful to have this level of attention and questioning when I am so used to less contact, and it seems like immediately all the boundaries that took so long for her to respect have just disappeared. I’m trying to leave it a day before I respond to texts, being polite but firm etc, but already I have had a message saying I am causing distress by not replying fast enough and how important it is for her to be updated with info - and this, I feel, could be the start of her returning to abusive behaviour if I don’t respond the way she wants.
DH’s parents were delighted and have sent a few texts since, I was hoping for this reaction from my own side.

My question is AIBU to ask her to back off and reimplement boundaries now, so that the expectations will be clear by the time baby arrives? I have already said we will not need her for childcare when I return to work, however she has dismissed this as she looks after my nieces when they are not at nursery, so presumes we will need the same (even though we live 80 miles away). She also text to say she is coming next weekend to to clean our house - had to respond to say no thank you, (our house is always clean, we are both very clean / tidy people however this is something she fixates on and frequently comments on us needing a cleaner for a “professional finish”).

Or, am I overreacting? Do I just wait it out, hope that the dust settles and things will return to normal and revisit boundaries when baby arrives?
Any advice from people with a similar family dynamic would be appreciated

[Mary46]

Yes be very strict. She move in and take over. It be too late when you tired trying to sort this. Mind yourself. My mam is quite intense its very draining.

[User8008135]

Boundaries now. You could well feel very vulnerable, deeply tired with a newborn and it will be so much harder then

[Yesterday22]

Thank you all for sharing your views. I was unsure if it’s been an overreaction triggered by fear of things going backwards - but reassured by your responses and thanks to those who have been blunt with me about not being as firm as I should have been and not waiting any longer to address this.
@1Morewineplease I would also like to know my mother’s side. She had never agreed to speak about this and didn’t show up when I asked her to come to counselling for a session together Years ago. So I only have my own perspective on my experience.It has been a long road to get to this point, and going back now to explore her side of things I feel would be counterproductive. I just want to move forward.

Thanks to those re car seat advice. I have been offered a car seat that was bought 7 months ago but only used once as they did not like having a rear-facing seat. Would this still be unsuitable second hand if only used once?
I had mentioned the second hand items to her as she had text to say she had been shopping to price items and wanted to know our financial situation so I shut this down by saying “no need- we’re getting some bits from friend, who had baby in November” - but realise by responding to the messages I am also giving out extra information so I need to be cautious of this.
@FizzyGreenWater no plans to tell her the due date, although she has asked - thanks for your advice, all very helpful.
@islandislandisland I can sympathise! I hope things go ok with you. You are absolutely right, I need to just have consistent replies, and congrats on your pregnancy!
@Dozer absolutely agree there will no unsupervised contact, I am hopeful as D.C. gets older and I can see how she is with D.C. that it might be possible for them to have an unsupervised outing, but absolutely nothing unsupervised until I am absolutely certain of DC’s safety.
@nervousnelly8 Unfortunately I just can’t envision her being any help at all, and more likely to cause harm (albeit unintended, she just thinks her behaviour is normal and the problem is with everyone else).
@sassysoul This has actually given me a lot to think about - these boundaries have been gradually put in place by me after a huge fight around 6 years ago and living in a different city has meant it’s been easy to stick to. This has made me realise I do need to be more direct and upfront about the fact I intentionally want distance between us and pre-arranged visits. Also agree it will be far less stressful for me to go to her so she’s not in my own space.

Thanks to all who have taken the time to offer support and help

[Laplayaz]

Yesterday22 it's a risk unless you can be absolutely sure of the history of the car seat and it hasn't been in a crash. Have you checked whether it's now outdated too? Have a look on the Which website, there are good ones that aren't too expensive. Personally I wouldn't risk it. Second hand everything else yes but not car seat or crib mattress.