To feel uncomfortable about the ongoing bitchfest towards this woman?

[Mazna]

This will be long, so apologies but I need to give a bit of background!

I've known a friend (A) for many years. She was in a long relationship with B, until they split up about 5 years or so ago now. A wanted to get married and have children, B didn't, so she decided to stay with him despite this because she thought he was the one.

A is quite a complicated person who doesn't really help herself...she worked in the same min wage job that she hated for 20 years initially because she thought she'd give up work when she and B got married, and then because...well, I don't know. She doesn't cook or do anything but the most basic housework. When she and B lived together (it was his house) she let him do 90% because it was his house. Being devil's advocate I can see why B thought marriage and kids would mean him doing everything, and therefore why he probably didn't fancy it.

Anyway after they split up, A continued living at B's house most of the time, although she had a place of her own (because it was easier to get to work from his, she got dinner there, her place didn't have heating because she wouldn't get her landlord round to fix it...the list goes on. I assume also because she hoped they'd get back together). A and B shared a bed, but didn't have sex (hadn't for last few years of relationship). Still went on holidays together, parties together, you name it.

Anyway a year or so ago, B started to get closer to C, a lady who was a member of a sporting club they both went to (A has never done the sport, but just went along to mind the kit etc). A was upset. C found As presence at B's house a bit odd and apparently encouraged him to get A to move her stuff out (3 car loads, not just a toothbrush and spare underwear!).

B and C are now officially together. C is about 10 years older than B although looks good for her age; A is 5 years younger than B.

Since all this first came out, A and our small group of friends have constantly been slating C. What a bitch she is, digs about how she dresses like mutton, her age, her tan (she is a real sun worshipper, the opposite of A), she wears too much makeup, calling her Madge (Benidorm), and more. At first I got that this was allowing A to vent her upset, but a year on, it's still happening. I will confess I've not spoken to A since March but last time I did, her conversation was still all about B said this, C had done that, how awful C looked in social media photos etc. And our what's app group is still full of Madge photos and memes.

AIBU to be a bit done with it all? I don't know C, and really neither B or C have actually done anything wrong, I don't think that the bitchfest is warranted and it just distracts A from actually moving on with her life?

You've been friends for 40+ years so I totally get not wanting to distance yourself from A too much in case your friendship ends, but I would make sure to let her know you don't agree with how she talks about C, and that it's not healthy.

Her friends really shouldn't be encouraging this and I'm glad you don't get involved with the bullying (because that's what it is regardless if C is aware of it or not).

I would honestly tell her point blank that she's become obsessive with her ex boyfriend and his girlfriend and she needs to get over it. For herself.

She won't like what you say no matter how you say it regardless. I wouldn't talk privately with anyone else because that would seem slightly bitchy and two-faced to me, at least speak to A first before you talk to the quieter friend you mentioned.

Bog standard jealousy from A.

I feel really sorry for C.
B hasn't helped matters by not insisting on a clean break. Allowing A to stay after they split is sending out a mixed message.

I don't have many friends, although I'm not that close to this group any more because they are quite bitchy and all a bit stuck in the past (there's only 5 of us in the group, but I'm the only one with children, 3 of the others - A and the other 2 worst offenders - wanted children but did nothing about it, it's a bit of a symptom of how they are and how we don't have much in common in terms of outlook and approach to life). I have kept in touch with them because they are a last link back to my childhood since I lost family members - they're the only people who knew me pre adulthood. But stuff like this reminds me how different we are.

I have gently encouraged A many times over the years since their split to make a life for herself apart from B. To move out, do stuff on her own, change her life. But she was still hoping they'd get back together. Because the alternative was that she'd wasted her life, opportunities etc (which I know is extreme, I don't think that but if marriage and kids was really what she wanted she was never getting it with him. That said I honestly don't think she could cope with children she can barely look after herself). Some people just can't be helped.

All sounds horrible. Holding grudges and bitching doesn't affect anyone other than those doing the bitching and holding grudges. B&C are still together so A not letting go of B won't change that.

Is there no way you can talk to A about it and how it's affecting her life? She needs to let go and find something to make her happy in herself. Life is too short for this.

I had a friend who was constantly bitching and moaning, too concerned about what others were doing to live her own life and enjoy it. Eventually I distanced myself from her and what a relief, I didn't realise how toxic and draining people like that can be.

The best thing A can do is step away and make positive changes in her own life.

Concentrating and you and not A, B or C, could you distance yourself from the bitchiness and drama and find different friends? Perhaps from your work, a course, a hobby, sport? I wouldn't say all the horrible drama of it is good for you, plus it's being going on so long it's unlikely to change. Perhaps do a few things, even if it's on your own (hiking, B&B stay - when we can obvs) for you and take yourself out of it, as it sounds a bit toxic.

I think you'd do much better to step back from this whole group, honestly. I know shared history can have a powerful hold, but if there is any real substance to your friendship you can leave the social media group, distance yourself from any bitching conversations and still enjoy their company in person occasionally. I would concentrate on finding new friends and connections who are less draining. As PP say I think you will be surprised how much of a weight falls away when you are no longer listening to all this shit, and the way you describe this whole insane story with A and B makes it clear that you are thoroughly enmeshed in it.

I've got old friends who I've known since school, and new friends I've made through work.

Honestly, I value my newer friends more, since we have way more in common, shared interests, shared values, and a similar outlook on life. Whereas my old school friends were my friends because we were at the same place at the same time. I wouldn't hold on to a friendship that was dragging you down, life is too short.

I do have some other friends but none that I am that close to. That said this particular group have been pretty 'mean girl' to me at times in the past. I didn't drive when my children were young and the 2 drivers (A doesn't drive of course) in the group were quite helpful giving lifts and things which was kind. But they were also less kind at times, when my kids were small would arrange things at times or places that were difficult for me to get to, and refuse to let me bring the children, knowing their dad was often working. I remember one weekend we went away, I said I needed to be back by Sunday lunchtime (to see my children and get organised for the week) and A threw a strop, called me selfish and said she wouldn't have bothered coming had she known we'd be going home halfway through the weekend (we were less than 2 hours from my house, so it meant leaving at midday!). That kind of thing wasn't a one off. My kids always got seen as an inconvenience, yet they always wanted my help.

Over recent years I've reduced the no of times I see them from monthly to probably once or twice a year. In fact this year I've not seen them at all. I'm muting the WhatsApp group so the messages will still come in but I can read them weekly rather than hourly!

I really have tried with A. The others have as well. However she is unwilling to listen. She refuses to change in any way. She had to move to a new town at the start of the year as her landlord sold her place. She made a big performance of us keeping her new address a secret from B because if he knew where she lives she said she'd be waiting for him to visit. Whereas I honestly don't think he gives a shiny shite. If anything I suspect he's relieved he won't bump into her as they're no longer living within a couple of miles of each other.

If A was willing to humiliate herself by staying at B's hoping & waiting that he would change his mind then she put zero value on herself & it was only a matter of time before he did the same. If her lazy solvenly attitude didn't do it before then. Both are as bad as the other in letting the r'ship drag on when it was clear they wanted different things. I feel a bit sorry for her because it is hard when someone moves on so easily & discards you without a look back (altho she sounds a bit deluded thinking he will come looking for her) nut once you honestly examine the r'ship & see the flaws then you can accept that just not compatible...I mean what was even in it for him for the last while that she was there, you made her sound useless entirely, pathetically hanging around his club etc. She needs to be told that their r'ship was problematic & then over...it's not like he had an affair on her & dumped her out of the blue to go off & have the babies she desperately wanted with the 20 something year old. Say it to her that you just don't like slating C...understandable due to a bit of jealous rage early on but enough is enough. You don't like this group very much OP... you are reducing time spent & seems to think they are bitter old crones...well 3 of them anyway sound a bit scorpy. If thats how you feel you should just bow out & leave them to their bitterness & nastiness.