Getting into the mind of a friend with depression and how to support.

[toxicflushout]

I don't understand depression. I have read many articles in reactive depression but I am finding hard to find ways to support my friend when my friend does not want to be supported ... by anybody.
He stays in bed for long periods,says he is emotionally and physically exhaused, sleeps and eats little and has lost joy from his life. He does not want to talk to anyone and rarely responds to iMessage or Any form
Of reaching out. He is angry and is lashing out verbally when he does.He has told family and friends that he wants to reduce contact with us.
He refuses counselling or medication and believes he can work through this period. He has said outright that he knows he is depressed and it has lasted a month if not longer.He said it is reactive to a big and sudden change in circumstances in his life.
How can I help ?

Can anyone advise me please? I'm
Pretty worried. Thanks

help by insisting gently he gets professional help.
If it s a reactive depression then professional help counselling medication will really help.

If hed broke his leg and was refusing help what would you do?

I think just by letting him know you are there at any time of day or night should he wish to reach out

When I am in a low mood (which can last weeks) I tend to shut everyone out and go quiet. The reason being for me, and it May not be the same as your friend, but I feel my unhappiness and negative thoughts will upset people and make them worry. And I don't want pity off people so I go quiet

I know myself however low I feel it will pass. Maybe your friend is the same? He may just need time

Thank you.I have really tried to gently persuade him to go to Dr or counsellor but he will not go.
He knows I am always available to support him and his family and friends are too but he has said he wants to be alone 100%.
At what stage does one disrespect his wishes and reaches out in his best interest of his mental health.I am quite concerned at this stage .Ordo we leave him until he is ready?

I get bad depression and it sounds very familiar.
This stage is the despair/emotional one, and although it’s frightening To you it isn’t as dangerous as if he goes numb and loses interest in anything and feels like he is In a glass box Looking out at the word but n longer in it.
He won’t have the best judgement just now, but has he had this before? If yes then he robably does know if he needs the GP’s help or if he can thole it until it passes.
Practically if he won’t get help then checking he has no booze or drugs to make him more unstable, has some healthyish food, and ask him for your sake, for your benefit, if he’d agree to answer just one text every day or whatever frequency you can bear. No judgement, no demands just a how is it today? text - tell him he can just send an emoji back Or a number between 1 and 10 but you would like to know he is getting through it and if he needs anything then he can reply with a ‘call please’.
I found I was more able to do this with my friend when he said it was for his benefit not mine, somehow it was less smothering? But it meant he left me alone to sleep mostly and not make decisions like GP, all the questions like how are you, what can I do, are you ok which I just couldn’t answer or even think about. This is why he will be snapping and angry - he can’t cope with decisions and all of that is lots of micro decisions.....

Obviously if you really think he is at risk of self harm you need to call emergency services but if not you might just need to ride it out for a while. If you think he’s not progressing tel him you want to see him for Half an hour on FaceTime or whatever or outside and he doesn’t need to talk to you just you’ll drink a coffee in his company. See what you think then. Don’t overrun your agreed time unless he asks. Just tiny expected (By him) contacts will be the most likely to succeed with him in this state.
If you’re in a position at that point after another couple of weeks, and he’s not getting better, to make a appointment for him think about doing it - it’s the decision thing again, but only if you are really really worried, as he won’t like it.... even if he will be grateful In the long term you decided for him.

Thank you. I cannot imagine how awful it must feel to be in this position. I have sent him an iMessage now and again but he doesn't even open them to read them.
I don't want to push too much as it may isolate him more from his friends and family. He has not had this before. He has had dark days through grief but not to this extent.
This seems like what I think ptsd must be like for folk.
I cannot keep sending messages if he is not reading them and he has a no visitors rule.
It has been a relatively short period of time but I don't see anyimprovement especially when he won't respond to us. Do I keep sending messages. He does not answer his phone.

@Italiangranny I'm sorry that you go through this.

I cannot keep sending messages if he is not reading them.

Some people set their Imessages up so you can’t tell they’ve been read. You don’t know he’s not reading them.

I did not know that thanks. Do I keep sending them?

I would. Not too regularly but knowing that someone is thinking about you and cares about you is important.

Send the occasional message which doesn't require or implicitly invite a response, just to say that you are thinking of him, wishing him well, and are there if he needs you at any hour of the day or night.

Other than that, leave him alone, and without the thing you see so often on Mn, a hint of 'You must not value my friendship if you can't even be bothered to send a three-word reply to my message, so I'm cutting off contact'. When I am feeling low, I do not want any contact with anyone at all. My friends respect that, acknowledge that I know my own needs best, let me know they're still there from time to time and are happy to hear from me when I feel up to contact.

Thanks. Many people have advised that by sending him another message, we are disrespecting his need for space and that he may cut us out completely. That would be worse case scenario. He may feel suffocated or irritated however well meaning. It's a difficult choice?

Thanks @toxicflushout
I would keep sending the messages. Maybe once a day, and about the same time? He may not read but he will know they’re coming.

Some people need to be by themselves and depressed people are self focused - it’s part of depression to not be balanced and see thing in proportion. So sometimes you that are caring have a bruising time because the depressed one isn’t thinking about your feelings. Try to be patient- I expect the fact you are trying is actually very important to him but he can’t see past his depression just now and as I said he is likely to be in paralysis about any activity that needs a decision. That might include charging his phone regularly.

He seems like he is in a trance. He does the necessary that enables him to function every day. He has had to deal with the authorities which he does but on auto pilot. The effort is huge for him though. Each effort to domamything that was easy seems huge.Does this sound normal within an episode of depression?

Thank you for caring, depression is still such a stigma that a lot of people ignore and there’s so many people stranded with it, myself included at one point. Even now if I’m feeling down my ‘friends’ know what’s coming and I don’t hear from them until it’s ‘over’ so your friend is very lucky to have you.
In my eyes I’d be appreciative of someone being there, not necessarily doing anything, but a presence is important when you’re suffering. Just arranging to visit, take away, anything he enjoys and get his mind off things. He might not react or get involved, but having you there will mean more than you realise. Be available to talk when he needs you and make him aware he can contact you if he needs to. Urge him to seek help whether a charity or a doctor, maybe suggest going along with him if he finds it hard. Don’t feel you have to ‘baby’ him, but anything you do he will look back on and remember you were there for him.
He sounds in a bad way, and when I felt like that it was difficult to get out of so I completely understand his need for pushing people away. I was very suicidal and had plans to end it all. He needs you and everyone around him no matter what he says. It was so hard getting myself better alone without support, but I made it and he will too.

Thanks for that advice.He is in the emotional despair stage and has stated time and time again that he does not want contact from
Anyone whatsoever.
I will send a non commital iMessage once more and even when he won't respond, he will know that he is in our minds.I hope it won't irritate him and know it comes from a good place.
It is hard when we don't know how he is functioning and want to jump on and fix his problems but know that we can't, only he can do that. It is worrisome and frustrating.

I completely understand, it must be frustrating for those witnessing it and not knowing how to help. I’m sure every message you send him means a lot to him right now. Perhaps some ‘positive thoughts’ type messages to try and uplift him may help too, reminding him why he’s a special person and why everyone loves him.
He needs time, but after that he needs a dose of reality, sometimes in the form of tough love. it’s not easy to cope with alone and I’d always wished someone would come and save me despite telling everyone to go away. Keep doing what you’re doing and he’ll respond when he’s ready.
I hope he feels better soon and appreciates you for the good friend you are. Take care of yourself too, it can be emotionally draining worrying about someone else

Thanks. It is so draining and sometimes I feel
Like I'm losing my own self respect.
I have messaged again. He has read but ignored but has instead been on line , I expect talking to his brothers which is good ( they are the only family he keeps regular contact with , when in the mood)
I feel conflicted between keeping messaging him as he does speak to close family or just letting him be until he is ready .
I dont know if I can keep sending iMessages and being ignored knowing he is on line to his family . Maybe it's me ??!!