Shared responsibility if dp is off work

[Loveworlds1]

Hi guys this is a long one please bare out need to get this off my chest.
Got 2 babies under 2 and 8 week old and 18 month old. It sad at the whole situation I'm in. Partner hasnt been in work for months even before quarentine and while I was pregnant a few weeks ago it was me looking after out dd as usual cooking all meals feeding her cleaning the whose cooking meals for me and my partner whilst heavily pregnant. He changed her nappy here and there and put her to bed nothing in comparison to me. He got to chill out in the day and play games while I slaved away cleaning cooking washing clothes etc. Indreaded the baby coming as I didnt know if partner would step up and look after dd. This was my 2nd planned c section within 18 months and I told him once I have c section I wont be able to look after dd all day and our newborn if you are off. His response is she will have to have ready meals etc which I agree are ok but he is fully capable of cooking just like I do. Anyway c section happened and for the first week he was good cooking my meals and making food for dd.. then when I became a bit more mobile i started making her food doing washing everything. If i needed to bend down and get things I'd ask him or to mop floors but its more hassle then it's worth. The house was a mess and is a mess still. We both help dd all day but I'm constantly looking after the baby and I'm shattered he feeds every 4 hours and has bad reflux and also cried for hours in end. Partner has issues we all think hes got bi polar so he says he cant deal with the baby because the crying frustrates him... so I'm up all day and all night he is currently looking at a therapist to speak to. But I'm so frustrated how he cant even take the newborn for a few hours so I can get sleep. His answer is well I'm not looking after him... or we shouldn't have had him then if I complain about being tired. And that's all o ever hear.. can I not just complain and get a bit of compassion without hearing you shouldn't of has him etc... one girl said after I complained about tiredness in her weird jokey way well you should of closed your legs then and it really upset me... everyone around me is being so negative about our newborn I sometimes think the same but I love my baby but it is hard and I knew it would be. But as were are here together he should be equally helping with the baby but wont and I'm shattered. He said he wants to go back to work just to get away from the kids and im worried once he goes back I'll be dealing with our 18 month old and baby all the time even on weekend coz he always says hes the worker the provider but being a parent us 247. I just need to get this off my chest

Why exactly are you with this man? Do you own or rent your home? Whose number is it in?

It sounds like you have 3 children op, not 2. You sound very overwhelmed and he sounds worse than useless. Can you stay with you mum or send the man child back to his
Jokes about keeping legs shut are unacceptable.
It sound like you are doing an amazing job under very difficult circumstances, and it sounds like its ultimate time for your partner. X

That sounds awful, and like your life would actually be easier without him tbh.

I meant ultimatum!

What does he add to your like, OP,

Could you move out? Go to mum’s etc? You’d have one man child less to look after ?

His answer is well I'm not looking after him... or we shouldn't have had him then if I complain about being tired.

What a cunt.

He sounds awful. I can’t understand anyone who would let something they are supposedly to love run themselves into the ground while they sit and do nothing.

He would get any better if he behaves like this and doesn’t think there’s anything off.

I would (and did in fact) leave.

I had a 15 month old dd when ds was born and had two sections. After my second my dh fed dd all meals that I had prepared and frozen. He carried her, changed her nappies etc. All I did with dd was give her cuddles and play with her for the first two weeks. After that he went back to work and I had both kids on my own all day whilst recovering from a section, dh helped when he got in. I did not plan to have ds he was a wonderful surprise. If you planned your second child I have to ask why? Why have another child with a man that didn't help you around the house anyway or parent his dd? What did you expect to miraculously change? I do not agree with the comments about keeping your legs shut that is beyond rude and inexcusable however, you do have to take some responsibility for the situation you are in.

Having any more children with this man is very unwise. To be honest I think staying with him is pointless and will bring no joy to your life. Are their any friends or family you can seek support from, could you go to citizen's advice? You need the support to make a good life for yourself and babies. Even with a supportive dh I found that first year with essentially two babies gruelling. I made my routine as simple as possible. Try to get them into a routine where they have an afternoon nap at the same time and if you can go sleep with them too, I found mine slept longer this way and I got an hours or two of uninterrupted sleep which bough me back from being a zombie. I also batch cooked and froze extras and kept meals for myself as simple as possible. Address the reflux, see the gp for an alternative milk or infacol, gripe water or ranitidine if severe. Try massaging babies legs after a feed and on his tummy to see of that helps. Be organised with laundry, I refused to do it every day and instead did it on designated days, this meant not having to pick up and fold clothes everyday which saved me time and energy. Ask family or friends for help even if they watch the kids once a week for you for an hour or two or just bring some meals around for you.

I do not think this relationship is good for you or your babies and you do need to leave him, whether it is sooner or later is down to you. I don't want you to feel that my post is horribly harsh, sometimes we need other people to point out what we can't or try not to see. You can change your life around but you need to leave the feckless man to do it. Be brave

Why did he want children when he doesn't seem to want to be around them? Ask him that.

He's a waste of space OP. This is unacceptable and I would be fuming.

When I had newborn twins to care for after a C-section (including one with severe reflux who cried all night) my husband stepped up every evening and every single night while still holding down a full time job.

His excuses are pathetic. Do not make any more for him.

I rent it but he provides the rent x

It is difficult because if his anger issues hes trying to work on them but it's hard for all of us.

Is he signed off work due to illness or is he out of work?

This is awful. Why are you doing so much? Don't you have a Health Visitor to talk to? A sister/mum/brother someone who can pop in or stay?
He sounds like a horrible whining bully. He has learnt that the if he carries on complaining and blaming, you will give in. Something like a teenage tactic.
Just horrible. I wish I had a refuge for you or some profound advice. Perhaps an online delivery of ready meals, salads and microwave vegetable bags might help for a week or two. Fruit, yogurts, bread. I thoroughly recommend paper plates and spoons(for toddler). 50 plates is just a few pounds on Ebay. Tiny amount of clearing up after. Sanity saver I have used many times.
Keep posting Lovewords1.

What's he doing about his anger issues, how is he working on them?

Why are you with him?