To accept a gift

[Rubbleonthedouble1]

Very long (outing) story. SIL and DH (and I) had a massive argument last year. She’s fairly toxic anyway so we saw it coming. She was vile to my children and us and we haven’t seen or spoken to her since. She has sent cards to the children and I have sent them back it binned them.
Now I’ve heard that she wants to buy DS a birthday present.
DH thinks we should accept the gift for DA but still not ever speak to her again etc mainly because of what she did to our children (can’t say too much as to outing)
I think we should refuse the gift.

Who is right?
YABU let DS have the gift

YANBU refuse to accept gift.

Full of typos sorry!

What is DA? It is inconsistent to accept the gift if you have returned cards unless you are accepting it as the first step towards a reconciliation. Only you know whether you feel a reconciliation will ever be possible but you clearly don’t think it is going to happen soon. For that reason I think you should contact her (by letter or email to avoid having to have a conversation) say that you understand she is intending to give a gift to ds but that you are unwilling to accept this (at the moment if you feel there may be movement in future) so thank you for the kind thought but please do not make any further contact. Keep it polite and to the point, you don’t need to reiterate the things that happened just make it clear where you stand so she can’t act like she’s astonished and hurt when you refuse it.

Nope, she doesn’t get to work her way back in by buying affection via presents. No gift, particularly if you’ve been returning cards. Make sure the message is firmly sent.

Nope. You shouldn’t accept the gift.

Why would you change your minds now? No. No presents, no cards, not from someone who’s been horrible to them.

Who’s told you this anyway, are they stirring? Flying monkeys?

Sorry I meant DS not DA.

MIL asked my DH what DS would like as SIL was wanting to get him something.

MIL is very much the meddling type (although I didn’t realise this until this argument).

When it was my DD birthday, she opened all of the presents from PIL and my DD was gushing with thank yous (💕) and PIL then said “oh don’t thank us for all of them. SIL got that one for you”) 😡 which I hadn’t realised so hadn’t refused it!

Perhaps she is trying to build bridges OP. I would accept the gift.

Perhaps she is trying to build bridges OP

Then she’ll give a genuine heartfelt apology, not an intrusion into the children’s lives on the sly.

We will not be building any bridges. What she said to my DD and DS will never be forgiven. DD is still upset about it 😢

I think you either continue as you have been and refuse the gift or make amends and accept it. I’d choose the first option.

Normally I'd ask why the adults are dragging the kids into their disagreements but since the kids are already a part of it then YANBU.

Well as long as her crime wasn't something silly or unreasonable.

You don’t build bridges by giving gifts.

Well if dd hasn't forgiven her she should not accept the gift. When we fell out with ils they sent ds a gift. We sent it back.

Did you give back your gift they snuck to DD?

Consistency is important.

The argument was at an afternoon family BBQ and so our DC were there. She was being unreasonable at the time and she was a little tipsy and part of me thought we would wake up the next morning and she would be sober and apologise but she carried on with spiteful messages and accusations the following day.
I think DH thinks it will stir it up again but I feel like that’s tough if our DC are so upset x

If your DC are upset you should actually tell your MIL that and say they are so upset and handing them the gift will just make it worse if they know who it’s from. Then take the gift anyway and give it to charity. SIL therefore can’t return it and has lost out financially and a needy person has a gift.