To think 12 year old DS might be depressed

[Littleblackdress04]

My lovely 12 year old DS is having a hard time at the mo and it’s so hard to know if it’s hormones mixed in with pandemic or actually depression.
He says he feels sad all the time & cries a lot. He’s become very sensitive to friends- always feeling left out, worried he’s missing out, taking stuff personally. He said earlier that he wanted to die but then got really upset & said he didn’t mean it and had scared himself. He has been going out with mates, cycling & football etc but it’s like he’s carrying the weight of the world. I am going to ring the doc on Monday as it’s so upsetting & I am so worried. There is stress and tension at home- me & DP aren’t getting on well with all the current pressure.

Aibu - I am worrying myself sick over it all- should I try and get him some counselling? He said to me earlier that he only wants to talk to me & he is good at telling me what’s wrong. But it’s so up and down

I’m sorry you re going through this. I think counselling would be a good idea, but if your son does nt want to do it it won’t work.

Yes , Now of Course it’s a hard age , just started big school , puberty etc

But keep a very close eye and acess support definitely for him

Mental health is for life

My elder son had this , and I was in an abusive relationship too

This definitely sounds like depression. I would see the GP and get a referral ASAP, emphasise the fact that he said he wants to die, but to be honest time is of the essence so if it's at all possible I'd ask for a recommendation for a private psychiatrist and therapist.

Hi OP, I had that with my DS and remember the terror well. He was about the same age and was then assessed by CAMHS and put on a waiting list and I went private (was lucky that my ex paid it, it was 120 an hour). The lady there recommended this book www.waterstones.com/book/so-young-so-sad-so-listen/philip-graham/carol-hughes/9781904671237, which seems to come out in a new edition soon. It helps to recognise the difference between sadness and depression. It is a slim book and if you want I can send it to you by taking pictures.

To be honest, the Covid situation in which we are currently can also have quite an impact on mental health. Not to mention if you and your DP do not get on - children worry greatly about this. I found this website really good: mypickle.org/.

The most important thing here is that your DS talks to you, that is already a win!

FWIW i at 13 told my mum i didn't want any help, and then spent the next two years miserable and self harming before she overruled me and took me to the GP. Looking back on it, I'm sometimes angry that she let me, a mentally ill child, decide what was best, rather than making the choice for me and getting me the help i needed. I know she regrets it too.

Def speak to the docs, I had depression around that age - undiagnosed because my parents were shit but if they had done that for me it might have made a huge difference to my adolescent years.

I feel so awful about it- I blame myself for stuff I have done wrong, especially the atmosphere in the house & the times I shouted at him for things. He’s such a lovely kid and I just want him to be happy

You berating yourself won’t help
And he talks to you ! That’s an amazing thing
And you are aware of it , also amazing
My son was pretty depressed for most of year 6
His dad has left now and since lockdown he has got a bit better

Less of the I hate myself comments
Less tears and meltdown

But he is quite lonely and of course being 12
Doesn’t have the wherewithal to address that

Keep a Close eye and keep speaking and talking

Keep a diary
I also
Recommend saving some money for counselling . It’s nigh on impossible to get anything via the NHS , even fortnightly sessions - if you feel he needs it

Do lots of reading about the topic , but what I find helps most is 1:1 time

Onwards

Please don't beat yourself up OP.

My 12 year old told the school nurse when she was 10 that she wanted to die and up until that point I hadn't realised the extent of her sadness.

Absolutely see your GP, but also know that suicidal feelings are present in nearly all of us and it's also important to let him know that he is normal in feeling this way. There is nothing wrong with him and he doesn't need to get better as such. That you just need to help him feel happy again.

These are especially difficult times for young teens.

Home life should be as stable as possible, so could you and DP talk how you can address it? Maybe you both need help to do that.

It's also not uncommon for kids to think they are somehow the cause of issues at home, so make sure your DS knows that they are your issues alone and that you/DP love him no matter what. It's brilliant that he can talk to you OP. Does DP make time for him too?

CAMHS are overstretched enormously, so may be worth talking to his school, as they may have services available to them that he can access.

There are also online resources:
www.kooth.com
youngminds.org.uk
www.nhs.uk/service-search/other-services/Mental%20health%20support%20for%20young%20people/LocationSearch/1430