Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Controlling or Courtesy?

38 replies

Abbaddon223 · 26/06/2020 19:52

So I'm doubting myself now - and I know this belies other underlying issues....

So I'm working from home and looking after the partners kids (7 and 9 who are never any trouble). We're three years into a relationship so the kids are totally happy with me and visa versa. I mention as she's totally comfortable with where they are and who with in fairness to her.

She tells me she is nipping to the shops and dropping off an application form at a friends house. Both are in just over 5 minutes away and it's not like I'm mentally calculating how long she'll be.

2 hours later she gets back. The kids have asked where she is several times, not out of worry, but like me wondering where the hell she has got to.

I haven't text her or called her until about 5 mins before she arrived back asking where she is and in fairness getting a bit irked. Message read "are you actually planning to come back at some point this year?"

I point out that if she was going to stop for a coffee or whatever (I'm assuming it's what she did) it would have been fairly courteous just to drop me a message to say "going to be a while at blah blah" or something to that affect.

I told her I don't care where she is or what she's doing (to a point obviously) and that it's not about knowing her whereabouts, it's about a little basic, mutual respect for me, and also that her kids might also want to know where she is as we're all assuming she'd have been around 30 mins or whatever. In the same case I'd have 100% dropped her a message

What I get back is that I'm being totally controlling and that she didn';t realise "I had a clock on her"

I point out I haven't called or text her in the whole time, and that I'm not asking for details of where and what she's been doing, just pointing out that she could have shown a little courtesy.

Am I actually being unreasonable?

OP posts:

ArnoJambonsBike · 26/06/2020 22:11

At the moment, 9% of 117 - so ten people have read

My partner has fucked off and left the kids with me without letting me know where they are

and think you are unreasonable.

This place is fucking ridiculous if anyone with an IQ in positive integers thinks you're in any way unreasonable to want to know where the parent of the children they had dumped on you is.

Mary46 · 26/06/2020 22:17

Agree with you its respectful.
Sometimes Im delayed but I would text him he was work home for while.

Nearlyalmost50 · 26/06/2020 22:18

It's a shame she didn't say 'could be a while' and go out and enjoy herself, yes, minorly irritating that she took longer than expected but hardly outrageous. I often used to disappear to neighbours/friends with a I'll just be 10 min and come back an hour later and my husband the same. This is a very minor thing to me, slightly irritating, and your text inflamed it all. Just say 'next time can you let me know if you aren't coming back straight away'.

monkeymonkey2010 · 26/06/2020 22:24

What I get back is that I'm being totally controlling and that she didn';t realise "I had a clock on her"
Why are you just passively taking this crap from her?
She has a nasty habit of treating you like shit and then playing the innocent 'victim'.

I would take this as a red flag if i were you.
I'd also be putting any wedding arrangements on hold.
It's as though she thinks she can take the piss out of you, abuse you and then play the 'abused woman' angle to wriggle out of taking accountability or responsibility.

I bet if you look closely - this won't be the only thing that's an issue in your relationship.

Purpleartichoke · 26/06/2020 22:30

It is common courtesy to let your partner know when you will be home so they know what to expect and don’t worry. Actually, that is true of any adults you are in a household with.

Your partner really shouldn’t be leaving the kids while you are working unless it’s something essential. Wfh is still work. The rules are a bit relaxed these days, but not so relaxed that you should have the kids just because.

lanthanum · 26/06/2020 23:11

Sounds like just miscommunication to me - she told you she was going out and why, but shopping plus taking something to a friend could take anything from 15 minutes to hours. She probably assumed a chat in the friend's garden, and didn't realise you wouldn't have.

My DH usually asks "When will you be back?" when I leave the house - it occasionally bugs me when it's something I do every week, or if it's something where his guess is as good as mine - but it's not a bad system. If she's sensitive about you asking, you maybe need to word it a bit more gently: "do you know when you're likely to be back?" or "will you be back for lunch?"

Ireolu · 26/06/2020 23:18

I text search my DH If he has been gone for longer than expected without contact. I then whinge at him for being gone for so long and he also does it to me. He also knows he needs to be contactable as we have a small child. It's courtesy.

FortniteBoysMum · 27/06/2020 00:02

The other day my dp went out to walk the dog two and a half hours later still not back I tried to call him 3 times in 15 minites(phone always on silent drives me mad). Then sent a message to say he could at least let me know when his coming home to spend time with kids. It was fathers day. I got a similar reaction to you. Turned out he popped to a mates and to the bookies he use yo work in. I was fuming. Not because he had been out but because he never let me know and I was waiting to go see my own dad. Not hard to let your partner know what's going on or that your still alive. I often worry as if I think your going to be a few minutes hours later it's like are you in a ditch because sods law the time I think his just pissed off to the pub which would of been first thought if they were open, something will of actually happened.

puzzledpiece · 27/06/2020 09:25

If I was you I'd be rethinking the relationship. She's showing you no courtesy or respect. Disappearing off without even explaining when she is out on a date is very rude. She appears to be wanting a very one way street type of relationship.

Letseatgrandma · 27/06/2020 09:33

Actually I am not controlling, I am babysitting, for free, again and you are taking the piss and being very rude too. In future take your kids with you and stay out as long as you fucking like"

This

daisychain1620 · 27/06/2020 09:44

It seems that she has little respect for you or is maybe a bit self centered. It's not about control or keeping tabs, it's just basic manners in my mind. Have you spoke about this to her and can she see your side.
If not I'd do it back, say 'im just nipping to get milk' but take 3 hours.

birthdaybelle · 27/06/2020 09:56

Couldn't you have fed them? I'd be a bit pissed off by your tone. Although yes if I were her I'd have sent a text.

I think it was your tone that's got her on the defensive.

Yes, you were looking after her kids but does she do lots for you too? I say that because my ex would treat looking after my daughter as babysitting despite the fact I did lots of "wife work" for him and it used to really piss me off

LannieDuck · 27/06/2020 10:48

I agree it's probably a tone issue.

Saying "You've been gone ages, is everything ok?" would have conveyed concern for her, rather than passive aggressive annoyance that you were being inconvenienced by being left to make lunch for her kids.

A casual bf could be annoyed at being expected to do parenting tasks, but I would expect a fiance to pitch in as needed (which, to be fair, is exactly what you did... but you also used it as a weapon against her in your text).

Flip

1 2