To be worried DS doesn’t want to see friends anymore?

[RosannaBanana20]

DS (9, nearly 10) isn’t the most social child but is generally quite keen to see friends. We’ve had a few socially distanced meet ups over the past few weeks (and he’s seen friends a bit over zoom etc, not much) but now he is categorically ruling out seeing friends at all I keep suggesting things and he just says no and gets quite cross and upset.

Is anyone else’s DC like this? I’m not sure whether to push it or just not worry, as I hope things will go back to some version of normal in Sept when he’s back at school...

Will he say why? How did the meet-ups you did do go?

Oh thanks for the reply!

He won’t say why. I’ve offered different locations, different friends etc. I don’t know if he’s just really unsettled by lockdown and all the change.

The meet ups seemed to go well - he enjoyed them at the time but now doesn’t want to do any more...

I think my kids find that the meet ups just remind them of what they are missing.

So they enjoy the meet up, but when it ends they return home and realise that school isn't happening. Holidays aren't happening etc etc and that mega-low is too hard to deal with.
We've had tears after zoom calls.

No answers though, sorry.

My ds is 12 and has always been popular with lots of friends. He is really resistant now to meeting up with friends...I think as time goes on, he suddenly feels really awkward about it. Sorry not sure what to suggest.

Are they chatting on-line when playing games or anything like that?
Could have been a falling out you aren't aware of?

My DS 10 hates these types of get- togethers. Staged with parents he finds it a little awkward and 'cringe' apparently.
Despite me having made myself as invisible as possible on our last meeting with a friend in the park

Is he speaking to his friends online at all?

My eight year old didn’t want to meet up with friends at all, but then got all upset that his siblings were.

I’d maybe take it with a bit of a pinch of salt. Could you arrange a meet up and just pop in on it? So speak to two parents, warn them your child is being a bit wobbly, and then just get your child to walk to the park with you. He can then join in if he wants. Depends how amenable the friends’ parents are. Or, ask if they can let you know if they’re doing something and you’ll try and pop by.

mines like this at the moment (10) Hes generally a social butterfly, but he just doesn't want to. He can't touch anyone. He has nothing new to say. (his words) He hates zoom meetings because theres too many people.

I am agoraphobic, and managing it requires me to do things I can do regularly to manage. If I stop, I then struggle to cope even if an individual thing happened to go well, the after thoughts make starting it again difficult.

One of the activities I normally find quite comfortable and easy to manage started being possible again recently after months, I did it, it went well, a successful trip although I was apprehensive before hand, however now with it coming up again, I'm really finding it hard, without the awareness of myself, I could easily just say NO and avoid it, it would certainly be a short term positive for me to do that.

It's not to say of course that this is your child's experience, or they are remotely similar, but it's just to say it's not only the event and the time that is out which is relevant to their overall feelings of wanting to repeat the activity.

I'm afraid I do not have any advice though on how to deal, but I would suggest repeated exposure is important, I'd also probably encourage you and other parents to be as far away as possible during the activities, the judging gaze is part of my struggle and can see how this age group would now be struggling.

Oh, I’m sorry others are going through this too but so relieved to hear we’re not alone... I identify with the awkwardness, cringe factor and also @isittheholidaysyet - that’s just spot on that it makes them realise what they’re missing.

@GreyishDays Good idea! I would do that with my other Dc I think but DS really hates it if I arrange things without telling him so I fear that might make it worse.

I guess we just need to ride it out and keep everything crossed for September!

And thank you for sharing your experience @sirfredfredgeorge - I think I am worried that if we just stop seeing people it will get worse...

I feel your pain, OP! I have two DSs, 13 & 15 and neither want to meet up with any friends. The younger one has found his tribe online (nobody he knows in real life) and is very sociable virtually with them. No contact with kids from school etc whatsoever.

The elder one though? He's obsessed with exercise, video games and tv shows. He sees nobody and doesn't seem to miss it. He's deleted Snapchat (can't say I'm sorry about that) and now communicates with no one and it really worries me long term that neither will have any friends when they go back to school!

We've tried encouraging them, incentivising them, pushing them. Nothing. No interest. I don't want them to feel like freaks though so I've backed off. Hoping things get back to normal in September!! 🙏

Ah @QuizzlyBear you and me both! That sounds tough - I guess maybe kids are doing the same as we are - becoming less social, getting used to being somewhat isolated? It’s worrying if long term but perhaps for a bit it’s not too bad - must be tough with teenagers though, hoping they change their minds soon!

My GD aged 7 was quite happy during the lockdown she FaceTimed her best friends a few times but as we pass week after week the contacts have lessened.

She seemed happy enough but on a walk with her Mum she accidentally met one of her friends, they had a socially distanced chat, and both girls were excited.

However, when my DG got home she cried as she realised what she is missing.

Perhaps your son is also missing his normal life.

Ask him for a 'favour' say it is your friend that is coming for an hour with one of his friends, and ask them to your garden instead? Ask him if he will keep Jonny company for a little while. Set up a few fun things for the children to do and some snacks, and keep it very short and brief.
If is not a disaster rinse and repeat!

Branch out carefully once he is used to this, maybe starting with simply getting an icecream.

I have refused to give up on my dc and their lack of interest in the outside world, so we have lunches, picnics and any old excuse to ease them back into it, now at least one of them is making her own arrangements and the other is still reluctant but has a great time and is smiling and laughing and having fun.

Sometimes mama knows best!!!

**Lunches and picnics WITH friends obviously

Thanks @pigeon999 I might try that

My DC - similar age, went to school for day and came back really stressed. He said it was really hard keeping two meters away because other children weren’t, so he felt really stressed trying to remember. He’s not been that bothered about friends either. It’s really hard them not being able to play normally. But he knows it’s for a good reason bless him.

What's he doing with his time instead? My friend is struggling to get her boys to do anything because they are addicted to online gaming!

Mine are really struggling (7&9). They've hated phone calls and video calls from the start and they don't want to see people out of context.

To be fair to them, there's only one group of friends I can handle on video call too. It's a tough dynamic to follow the call so I'm not surprised the DCs struggle.

@Babycrackers he’s drifting around at home, reading, playing in the garden, saying he’s bored! We go out on day trips fairly often. And yes... he does play games on a console but we limit screen time so it isn’t that, I don’t think... worth thinking about though.