Is she trying to manage me?

[Emergencycake]

I don't know what to think. I work with a colleague who I am the same grade as, and we usually get on fine. She is quite openly ambitious, which is just something that I'm naturally not. We live in strange times and I don't know if paranoia is setting in, especially as we are currently not able to work directly with each other. She has started taking in job requests from areas outside of our normal department. This is fine as we need to be helpful.

My boss then says 'yes this is helpful to the organisation ' fine. So she takes in a job, then instead of including me in emails from the colleagues I'm supposed to be helping, she copy and pastes into an email to me what they have requested. I don't then have direct contact with them which is a bit of a barrier in what I do. It feels like she is trying to manage me.

I don't want to upset her, but how do you tell someone to include you in discussions if they are intent on you helping with the work. Am I being paranoid?

Doesn’t sound like you’re being paranoid as she is going out of her way to exclude you from conversations rather than taking the easy route which would be to copy you in. Yes I would say she is trying to manage you as in “manage your (lack of) relationship with the other parties”. You don’t know what she is saying to these other people without your knowledge - she could be simply trying to block you from getting involved in a project or getting recognition for your contribution or she could be taking credit for your contribution. Either way it’s not likely to be doing you any favours. You could either talk to your boss about how you feel this method of communication is stifling your ability to offer your own useful perspective on matters/ contribute or communicate in a timely way/ some other disbenefits to the organisation or projects and see whether they will have a word with your colleague about handing the comms more openly with you or you could have this conversation with her first and if no luck speak to your boss. You’d have to decide which is likely to get the best results without making her even more difficult with you. Hope that helps, good luck

Hi x, can you copy me in on the original message please.

If nothing forthcoming, can you go direct to the other person without copying her in?

But she might be doing it if there was chatty messages in the email that wouldn't be of interest to you, is that likely?

Oh I should say it may be there is no way to handle this without her ending up being less than friendly with you, but at the end of the day what use is it being friendly if she’s creating a bad situation for you? Also, if and when you do speak to her or your boss about it, be armed with specific examples and try to make it not personal and about the success of the project or work at hand as an initial approach. However if that doesn’t work you’ll have to make it more personal if you feel you are being treated unfairly and your boss is not listening.

What @CoRhona said is also worth considering!

Thanks all. I feel a bit relieved that you don't think I'm being overly paranoid! I have raised it once in an online meeting with our boss. I mentioned that I knew nothing about 'x' and I hadn't been included on any of the emails. Colleague looked shocked and said that she was sure I was being included, which is why it's a bit more frustrating that she's done this now.

I've emailed her to ask if we can have a chat as I just want to sort it out. In a normal world we do get along fine, just annoying that this is now happening

Please make sure you make a note of everything she says when you and she meet to discuss it. Based on her acting when you mentioned this before, you may need an accurate record for future conversations with your boss. Also keep an email trail of what you and she agree in terms of copying in by following up the meeting to confirm what’s been agreed (could just be a breezy “So great we got things sorted and thanks for agreeing to copy me in in future...”) and be assertive about future times this doesn’t happen (if there are any) rather than letting it fly. Good luck!

Hi X,

Thanks for the info. Could you please forward me the original email trail with the job details? It makes it easier to reach out if I need to clarify anything.

Thanks

I need to send this email at least once a week to some CF who wants me to do the work whilst keeping me out of contact with the client and/or getting the thanks themselves. Fuck that!

Just ask. They can hardly say no - what possible reason would they have?

Yep, nip this in the bud now or you'll regret it in the future in my experience.

Don't use stupid unprofessional jargon like "reach out".

You aren't paranoid and I agree with the above posters. Don't let her games nudge you out of your position.

You could tell her them that you will onpy be taking work directly from management from now on?.

I'd copy in boss and co worker with an email that's simple. Something like.

I'm happy to support the company by also assisting with the extra jobs from x department.
Please make sure in future I am copied into all emails and discussions with regards this work.

Xxxxxxx

It gives your boss a heads up what's happening.
It lets colleague know you are into her but in a polite request way.

@Emergencycake
OP, I might be in the minority, however the only reason when I don’t include the full email chain to SMEs when only one SPOC required

You may think it’s personal (don’t know your history with this person, she might be a right PITA), however it’s all about the Business interest. They want to deal with one person rather than having questions from multiple people.

What is your job title? What sort of jobs do you do?

Well you already have an incident where you were left out of the loop and it was noted.

You could reference that in your chat with her.
Following up with an email and copying your boss as to what has been agreed if you wish.

@itsgettingweird
This is good.

I don't think you are being paranoid.

I remember 30 years ago, a colleague of mine referring to another colleague as "her team" in conversation with a client...as in "I will have my team follow up on that"....so funny when she was firmly put in place by her team...🤣

@InterestingIris

Hi X,

Thanks for the info. Could you please forward me the original email trail with the job details? It makes it easier to reach out if I need to clarify anything.

Thanks

I need to send this email at least once a week to some CF who wants me to do the work whilst keeping me out of contact with the client and/or getting the thanks themselves. Fuck that!

Just ask. They can hardly say no - what possible reason would they have?

I would send an email like this. It is good.

I wouldn't use reach out either but I am sure you are smart enough to reword in your own voice.

Also agree with the person who said nip it in the bud. Less asking more telling her. Don't treat her like she is your boss.

Colleague looked shocked and said that she was sure I was being included, which is why it's a bit more frustrating that she's done this now

The fact that she's now 'copy and pasting' information to you while still excluding you from emails and any contact details, tells me she knows exactly what she's doing.

If you speak to her I wound ask her straight out - "after the video call last week when I raised it, can you tell me why you're still excluding me from emails? I'm feeling uncomfortable with it and with the tone of your communication with me, I feel like you think/are acting like you're my manager, so please make sure you include me in the emails in future".

And then I would mail her, copying in your manager. "Further to our discussion earlier, please could you include me in any email chains as necessary. The recent email you sent to me, in which you 'copied and pasted' information while excluding any contact information creates a barrier with my other colleagues and I feel forced to funnel all communication through you. This is not how we, as colleagues, should work. Have a nice weekend".

I have raised it once in an online meeting with our boss. I mentioned that I knew nothing about 'x' and I hadn't been included on any of the emails. Colleague looked shocked and said that she was sure I was being included, which is why it's a bit more frustrating that she's done this now.

That's your way in. Every time you get a carefully selective copied-and-pasted email, respond referring to what she told the boss and asking her to send the original. If she persists, start copying your boss in, and refer to the fact that this still seems to be happening very regularly.

Thanks for the info. Could you please forward me the original email trail with the job details? It makes it easier to reach out if I need to clarify anything.

Fine, but not "reach out", pretty please? Just "contact people" or just "ask".