To think there's nothing wrong with "playing happy families"

[bytheseawhereitsnice]

I have two young children with my STBH and he also has children with his ex wife. I have been in said children's lives for just short of six years now and of course I'm very fond of them.

Ex wife doesn't like me because I came on the scene a few months post split and she still thought there would be a way back for them (that was her hope, not his)

I am categorically not the other woman and I didn't know him when they were a couple. I met the girls for the first time after we had been together 6-7 months.

Mum has never warmed to me despite me making an effort to get along so I no longer bother trying.

Fast forward to now she still makes the odd remark about me "playing happy families" with her children and it makes me uncomfortable.

When the girls are at our house they are treat exactly the same as my own children by me in terms of kindness, being included and nice days out. I don't interfere with their custody arrangements or involve myself in discipline/telling off as it's not my place. I don't step on anybodies toes.

I don't refer to myself as their step mother (we aren't married yet) but I do think of them in that way. I'm not vocal about it and have never referred to them as my step children, not even to DP.

If I'm buying for my children then I will buy for the girls too because I think it is the right thing to do. If we are out and we take a photo of our DC then naturally the girls will be in the photo. I've made an effort to bond with them which should be the standard shouldn't it?

If playing happy families means having a good relationship with them and always making them feel welcome then I don't see what I'm doing wrong.

what I can do other than exclude them and make them feel unwelcome which I would never, ever do.

Surely you would want your exes new wife to be kind to your children.

What am I doing wrong?

I hated it when my XH’s then girlfriend (now wife) but a picture of my child on her Facebook. I remember looking at the screen and thinking, “get off my child, I am her MOTHER”. Even though I am so glad that she cares for her, that they love each other... she’s my child. I never wanted to not spend every night with her, and see someone else’s holiday snaps of her, from a holiday with me, her mother. Honestly, you can go half way to imagining it because you ha s two children too - but you can’t REALLY imagine it. It’s fucking awful, sometimes. Mine is older, it’s been 5 years, everyone is happy and settled with new spouses. I still feel wrong, dropping her off to another home. I didn’t dream about that baby, struggle to conceive her, have fuck all sleep for two years , and raise her for 4 years pretty much single handedly - to become a part time mother. I understand your boyfriend’s XW’s bitterness - even though I don’t condone it being shown!

It sounds like she's rather bitter, and maybe she has good reason. Marriage breakups are so nasty much of the time. Not much you can do but let it go, I think. I guess it's a pain for you and difficult for the kids but she's probably miserable herself.

I wouldn't treat the kids differently from your own though, no matter what.

Could it help things feel less personal if you think of her as sad? As in emotionally sad, still grieving the loss of the family she wanted and didn’t quite get. You might end up with a better relationship if you soften a little towards her. You don’t say if she has a new partner, if she doesn’t she probably has a lot of lonely times. Single parenting is tough. If you soften a little even just in your head, try and imagine what she is really feeling hidden underneath her not so nice comments I think it would help.

I agree, you're giving her too much thought. You do not care what her take on you is. Right?

Slightly suspicious of your soon to be husband though. When he split from his wife, she still hoped they might get back together again, and yet, within a few months, he was in a serious relationship.

It makes me think that he either left very suddenly having known himself he was done but not having communicated that to her successfully and honestly, maybe deliberately gave her false hope (if she thought they might get back together). To keep her sweet? Because it suited him to have her longing to win him back, like he was the prize!

or

he left on a bit of a whim or left because he wanted excitement or left to be in peace to be selfish kids or not.

So, not having a go at YOU, but is he definitely good husband material?!

But why are you engaging the children in conversation about what their mother may or may not have said? It seems odd for them to say stuff like that out of the blue?

FWIW I think you sound like a great step mum. Just stop giving her so much head space.

I think he's good husband material yes, there has never been any question of his loyalty or parenting. I'm satisfied that I've made the right choice in having children with him myself.

I don't think he led her on after they split up, it was more her not fully accepting it was over and there was no going back.

I do understand that it would be hurtful to see him move on and then have to witness your children spend time with a new woman. That was one of the reasons I didn't meet them until we knew it was serious.

I have been understanding of her position and put up with alot of digs whilst continuing to try and get along. I'm still polite to her now but she has made it clear we will never be friends and she has no interest in getting to know me.

I hope in time she comes around to the idea of us getting along but I can't see it happening any time soon and it has already been years.

@Dominicgoings

But why are you engaging the children in conversation about what their mother may or may not have said? It seems odd for them to say stuff like that out of the blue?

FWIW I think you sound like a great step mum. Just stop giving her so much head space.

Thank you that's very kind, just to clarify the comments don't come from the children.

She has said these things in front of me, alluded to it on social media, moaned about me to DP's sister etc.

Why do you put photos of the children on Facebook even though you know their mother doesn't like it?

You know what you're doing by the sounds of it.

Somebody upthread said ''just allow her to be bitter'' and I think that's good advice. Don't just delete her on SM, block her. Let her get on with whatever she's thinking.

I left my x because he was abusive and I undoubtedly was bitter for a while because even though he'd been abusive, he still hated me for leaving, wouldn't pay maintenance, demanded his rights seeing the children, had his house and job and fancy car and a new girlfriend before too long, while I was trapped at home looking after small DC unable to afford the childcare to work. So yes I was bitter for a while! It passed when I rebuilt my life and stopped comparing my life to his life. It wouldn't occur to me to compare my life to his life now. That'd feel very random. But there is wisdom in the ''just let her be bitter'' comment that another poster made up thread.

Don't try and make her less bitter. Don't try and defend yourself. Don't feel victimised by her comments. Just let her be bitter.

@Ostanovka

Why do you put photos of the children on Facebook even though you know their mother doesn't like it?

I didn't think it would be a problem, she has tons of public pictures of them on hers. Her DD has photos of my DC on her Facebook profile (privacy settings locked down)

I asked DH whether he was ok with it and he said go ahead, plus they were pictures of all the children together so it wasn't as if I was taking selfies with them being goady.

Since it was a problem I no longer do it. I only upload pictures of my own DC, which I think is quite shit a demand to make because I have her eldest DD on Facebook.

@Winnerella

You know what you're doing by the sounds of it.

Somebody upthread said ''just allow her to be bitter'' and I think that's good advice. Don't just delete her on SM, block her. Let her get on with whatever she's thinking.

I left my x because he was abusive and I undoubtedly was bitter for a while because even though he'd been abusive, he still hated me for leaving, wouldn't pay maintenance, demanded his rights seeing the children, had his house and job and fancy car and a new girlfriend before too long, while I was trapped at home looking after small DC unable to afford the childcare to work. So yes I was bitter for a while! It passed when I rebuilt my life and stopped comparing my life to his life. It wouldn't occur to me to compare my life to his life now. That'd feel very random. But there is wisdom in the ''just let her be bitter'' comment that another poster made up thread.

Don't try and make her less bitter. Don't try and defend yourself. Don't feel victimised by her comments. Just let her be bitter.

Thank you Winnerella, that makes alot of sense.

I'm sorry you went through all of that and I completely understand why you would feel bitter in those circumstances. I'm sure I would too.

I also read it as stbxh and thought it was going to be his ex wife wont let me see my ex step children. I’d carry on but not flaunt it eg pics on Facebook. She had a family and hopes and dreams of happy family days out now you are living it. Even if you weren’t other woman it sounds like he moved on very quickly which must be hard. Of course treat the children nicely as you are doing but I wouldn’t get drawn into comments. Ask fiancé not to repeat stuff and your contact with her will be minimal anyway.

I'm pleased for you Rainbow that's lovely, there is always enough love to go round. Whilst it would break me if DP were to leave and meet somebody else, I would be relieved of the person he ended up with genuinely cared about our children.

I hear some horrible accounts of step parents being cruel or pushing the first born children to one side when they have their own. Surely it's much better and reassuring for all involved if the new partners dote on the children.

Dixie I completely understand what you're saying. I did (and still do to an extent) feel for her and can empathise as to why she doesn't like me. Unfortunately after 6 years of it I've lost inclination to keep making the effort but obviously I would like us to get along.

I don't see her very often and am always polite when I do, but she's always frosty.

If the DC are old enough to be on FB I would be asking them rather than their mother if they are OK with pictures being on there.

I sometimes feel more supported by my stepmum than my own mum. Not my mum's fault or anything she's done, just the way it goes sometimes.

I would stop trying to be friends (or friendly) with her, she obviously doesn't want to/feel able to. And that is OK.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong and it sounds like you have the children's best interests at heart. I know it is easier said than done, but try not to take her comments personally. As others have said, she is probably sad and angry about the situation, rather than at you personally. If it hadn't been you, it would have been someone else.
I have a colleague like this. She blames her ExH's wife for all the problems in her life, even though it was actually her who had an affair and her ExH didn't meet his new wife until years after the divorce. My colleague is now alone as her new bloke has left her for another woman and her children have opted to live with their Dad. She is very sad, lonely and bitter about everything and is hitting out at the new wife even though she hasn't done anything wrong. I don't believe she hates the woman, but she hates her situation and it is a lot easier to blame the person who you think has everything that should be yours.
Obviously your situation is not exactly the same, but I think the basic issues could well be similar. Basically your fiance's ExW is probably hurting, jealous and maybe lonely. It doesn't excuse her behaviour but maybe goes some way to explaining it. Personally, I always find it easier to tolerate people's behaviour if I understand it. You aren't going to be able to change her behaviour, only your own reaction to it. Try to view her as sad rather than bad, and angry at the situation rather than at you as a person. It may help.
Keep doing what you do for the children but try to avoid confrontation if you can reasonably do so. It sounds tough but you are doing a great job.

@bytheseawhereitsnice

It's not something I dwell on continuously, but it pisses me off when it happens.

I feel as though it undermines my relationship and by this point she should have accepted that I'm going to be a permanent fixture.

@bytheseawhereitsnice This is the issue. You hope to be a permanent fixture, but just like her relationship with your oh, that's not guaranteed. You're playing a role. If you split that would most likely end. You're "playing" at happy families in that you only ever have the 2 sc popping in, they don't like with you 247. And that's the easy bit. Your ex isn't resident parent. So I understand her feelings. Should you change, no. What you should do is bare in mind that you too could one day find someone playing happy families with your children....

Like should be live.

You might find it easier if you imagine how you will feel when it’s you who is having to share your kids with whomever he takes up with next

"that's lovely, like one big happy family aren't you"

What's wrong with that?

I was hoping she would warm to me eventually but 6 years on nothing has changed

She's not your friend and you are not in her children's lives by her choice. She doesn't have to warm to you or ever like you. Sometimes maintaining distance is easier than being friendly. Not to put too fine a point on it, I think all my ex's new partner's are bonkers. Makes no sense to me, zero interest in any kind of relationship with any of them.

She shouldn't be making comments in front of the kids for their sakes but she doesn't have to like you.

Does she believe that you weren't your now partner's mistress? He moved on very quickly, going from separation to introducing the children to you in less than a year. That's a lot of upheaval for her kids and maybe she will always resent that. You can't stop her feeling this way so you just need to focus on being a decent step parent for those kids.