AIBU to insist my ex doesn't vape in front of our 3YO?

[isobellini]

My ex and I broke up (because he was having an affair with a 20YO) when my son was one. He now has him to stay overnight once a fortnight. NB, this is his choice - I've encouraged more contact but he refuses and is only prepared to do the bare minimum, though he does pay substantial maintenance.

Anyway, recently my little boy has started holding things in his mouth and fake-smoking and saying 'I'm like Daddy'. He tells me that his father uses his vape inside, and in front of him 'always'. I know he doesn't let my son try it or anything. But AIBU to think it's damaging to give any sort of positive role-modelling of smoking, even when it's vaping?

And if IANBU, how do I have that conversation with someone who is very aggressive, especially towards any implied criticism that he is not a perfect father? Do I have any control over what happens in his house? Especially given it's not actually smoking, so presumably fairly low-risk for my son from a medical POV...

You really don’t have any control over what happens in his house (that isn’t causing any harm). You can’t police how he parents I’m afraid.

I don't think you can or should bring this up.
His house his rules, with the caveat nothing dangerous or illegal.

It's not a great habit but YABU to expect him to stop, we can't always be perfect 100% of the time in front of kids. Plus it's better than smoking, and he's not passing in secondary smoke, making him smell etc.

Also, to be blunt OP, you chose to have a baby with a man who vaped - you can't really complain about it now because you're mad he had an affair.

I don’t think YABU as I hate both smoking and vaping. I’m not sure what you can do about it though. Maybe try having a conversation about it with him.

I was with friends whilst pregnant and they were vaping inside. DH just politely asked them not to. They stopped as they hadn’t thought about me being pregnant.

Well you could argue it is dangerous. I don’t think knit is unreasonable to bring it up and discuss. Tell him that you son is copying his behaviour and ideally he’d do it away from your son.

Would you be happy if he asked you not to have a glass of wine in front of him?

Both are legal but have potential dangers.

It’s only vaping op. He could be doing a lot worse. If the situations currently amicable then I wouldn’t rock the boat over vaping in front of his child. I doubt he’d stop anyway

I think YABU and letting past resentments influence you. It is your EX. DD is still his DD.

I think you should ask your HV what the current guidance is.
There have been cases of lung problems in vapers and questions over whether inhaling a hot oil product is as safe as the industry says it is.
It is a relatively new thing so not much information out there.
I think it is worth making sure the exposure is documented.
As a child I was looked after by a lady who was a heavy smoker (not the same as vaping, I know) and it has left me with some health problems.

Thanks for responses everyone! I genuinely appreciate both sides of the argument. I should say though that my issue isn't that he had an affair (although I can appreciate how my post maybe read like that!). But that was over two years ago, and I've done the therapy! And he wasn't a nice person to be married to in multiple other controlling and unpleasant ways, so in many ways that affair gave me the opportunity I needed to end things. But I think this sort of thing does trigger something related, because it's the ongoing selfishness that does upset me. And the constant putting of his own needs (whether that's for attention from a younger woman, or for his need to have 13 nights out of 14 'for himself' now and saying me asking for more support is unreasonable) above those of our son. And so perhaps choosing to do something that looks very like smoking in front of our son – because of his desire for nicotine – rather than first stopping and thinking how that might look to our son is probably more what bothers me, IYSWIM?

YANBU, My husband vapes and he isn't allowed to did around our children. Not much you can do though apart from bring it up to him and hope he listens to your concerns

We used to think smoking was healthy and safe. When you look at old adverts there were even doctors recommending certain brands.
I wouldn't be surprised if in years to come we will discover vaping isn't safe either.