My partner and I live in say Area 1. We cannot move as his ex wife who is very dependent on him also lives in Area 1. She goes apocalyptic if we suggest moving more than 15 mins drive from the kids who do lots of extracurricular activities which my partner does all off the driving for ( including on all her days) So far so good I understand the need for parents to be close to the kids.
However ..I would like in fact to live in Area 2 which is a good 45 min drive away. All my friends live there. My children’s Dad lives there and its very out doorsy. By the beach, lots sports, good schools, everything I want from life. Again, well that’s life in a blended family. All about compromise. To complicate things, I do not own a car as am a (single mother) who is trying to undo a lifetime of bad financial decisions and a divorce. So I work 2 jobs and save all my cash. That’s shit as then on weekends I cannot go to Area 2 to do all these wonderful things as it’s a 1.45 hour bus trip. If I go and see my mates ( for drinks / dinners / take my kids for a late one -lots of families parities / barbeques etc -it’s a very social area everyone hangs out does sports together etc) then I have to taxi it back in the evening which is around 70 quid. Again, so far that’s life…….
My partner is also very outdoorsy and does a particular sport that is best done in Area 2 so at least 4-5 times a week he drives there first thing in the morning / in the middle of the work day ( has a “big” job and can do pretty much what he wants) He had never been to Area 2 before he met me and now every spare minute he has he is up there doing all the fun stuff I could do if I lived there. He can do this as he has a car / the time and the freedom to do this stuff. I work 2 jobs and no car so am stuck in area 1. On the weekends we have all the kids who do not like being in the car, so I generally look after them in the morning when he drives to Area 2 to do his sport. In his defense he is great at jumping out of bed and going first thing whereas I work so much all I want to do is have a lie in. Plus the sports he / we do is not child friendly. If I go to area 2 I want to spend the whole leisurely day there going to the beach, seeing friends, doing child inclusive sports. He however will have already been up at the crack of dawn doing his sport so isn’t bothered about hanging out in area 1.
I feel like he has taken the life that I wanted and is living it without me. Because of his situation with his ex I am stuck living in an area I do not want to be in. It is causing a massive amount of resentment in me.
Couple of points – we do not have shared finances as both divorced and a bit wary of all that again. This is more me then him despite him earning a lot more cash. He also spends a lot more and I am very protective of my savings.
I have a good relationship with my ex and we have arranged it so all pickup / drops offs are from school so I don’t have to get taxi / he doesn’t have to do all the driving. He still however does have to do this big drive on the days he has them. Apparently ok for my kids to be on long drives but not my partners kids. My ex moved back to area 2 after we split though so does not complain about commute. We had moved to area 1 for random reason when married and I got a bit stuck here after divorce due to childcare. Yes, I bloody wish I had just moved back to area 2!
Partner would like to live in area 2 but does not want to have the grief with ex wife and does not want to get stuck in the traffic at rush hour between city / area 1 and area 2 which admittedly is dreadful. He basically has the best of every world.
Partners ex refuses to entertain the idea that their kids could do extracurricular activities in an area other then area 1 so ie they cant have swimming lessons anywhere else then the local pool. Ditto music / sport etc. She is very high drama so Partner just doesn't approach these things with her.
Ahh realised I didn’t write the AIBU.. AIBU to resent that he is living the life that I want but cant because of his issues.