How do people 'find themselves'?

[Emcont]

I know it's very cliche, but I have felt very lost for a good few years now.

I had my first child at 19 and my second at 21. I'm now coming on 27 and I feel I have no identity other than 'mum'. I'm not even remotely the same person I was before I had my children, understandably I guess.

I hear of people who 'found themselves'... what does that even mean?

When someone says they know exactly who they are, does that just mean they know what they like and dislike?

Did you 'find yourself'? How did you do it?

Just listening to myself really.

I always knew what I wanted deep down, but I ignored it thinking it was wrong or not socially acceptable.

GCITC well I’m curious now!

I think asking yourself questions and being very clear about what answer you would like if no other rules applied, is very revealing. I.e. do I want to do my job for the rest of my life or do I want to do something else?

I think it comes partly from having your own pastimes and interests. I felt strongly that I lost site of my identity too. But now my DD is older I have started to take up some hobbies again and I am starting to feel more like my old self. Having young children, the focus has to be on them, but when they start being more independent and cultivate interests they can do without your involvement, you get time to concentrate on yourself a bit more again. And that really helps and feels great.

Interesting question. I suppose its being self aware and knowing who you are and what you are about. I don't know how you get there though. As I have got older I take less rubbish from other people and dont feel as much pressure but I think most people go through that.

I don't think I've found myself tbh, but I have to say that, just recently, I've found myself (ha found myself) putting my foot down a bit more when something isn't right. I have boundaries now, when I didn't before. It definitely feels better and I'm less panicky when people fall out with me over it, because actually, nothing I'm asking for is out there or unreasonable.

Is that finding myself? Maybe!

I looked between the sofa cushions and there I was.

I think it’s about finding something that you click with, whether it’s a social group, a religion,a life philosophy or anything else that enables you to place yourself in the world and this connection becomes, or provides a framework that is the obvious way to shape your path into the future both internally and externally.

How do you find this connection, if it doesn’t exist in your life as is, you need to look outside what is familiar, ask questions, try new things,look in unusual places,be open minded that the answer might not be what you thought or initially wAnted but nevertheless feels “right”.

Writing down how I felt every day in a journal helped a lot.

When you're consumed with kids and family life, often spending long periods of time doing things you don't even like that much, writing down your feelings helps you keep track of them despite all the distractions. Over time, you start to get a clearer picture of yourself.

I think it isn't easy working out what you yourself want, when your life is about making others (esp DC) feeling right and making sure they are ok. It takes practice.

One technique that works for me is to imagine 'one thing changed'. So eg if I was in a different home/ did not have DC/ was older/ in a different city/ coming home after a full day's employed work/ did not go out to work/ - how would that feel? Which bits of that would feel good and which would not?

If you could do anything, or be anyone, what would you do?

People who found themselves around me suddenly or eventually re-assessed their lives, mainly working life but not only, and decided to go with their heart and go for it. Some moved in another country, others retrained, some started a new business, others became sport fanatic...

27 is so young and you already had your kids. You can do anything now. Are you working? Do you want to go up, do you want to do something completely different?

Op it sounds time that you probably know yourself quite well, but haven't had much opportunity until now to invest in your interests. Now is the time to try things that you've always fancied, think about that change of career or whatever it is.

If you are adrift, anchor yourself to something worthwhile and fulfilling.

For me it was mainly a matter of waiting until I got a bit older. My 30s was when I really stopped caring what others thought which meant I could work out what really, truly mattered to me.

Counselling may be able to help you with this.

I think that feeling is very common at your age, even if you haven't had kids. Many are finishing education and realise they don't have much sense of where they are going beyond that. These periods of transition can happen throughout your life when something changes, empty nesters, mid life crises, they are versions of it.

I think the real trick is to just know and trust that you don't need to find yourself, you are yourself. And you will, in time, figure out where you are in your life. Look around you and see where you are needed, or what things catch your interest. Something new will come along.

@ghostcurry nothing really out there, I just want to travel and not follow the line of get a good job, get married, get a mortgage, have kids...

I don't like restrictions or responsibilities and I learnt that that's OK!