To think that paying for a child doesn’t make you a good parent?

[Anney28]

Have a son with my ex. He’s only seen him a handful of times in the last year. Before this he seen him a bit more but was always inconsistent, letting him down etc.

He does pay maintenance every month which I’m grateful for. I know a lot of people don’t get that for their dc.

But to think paying maintenance doesn’t make you good a father?

I’m fed up of people saying. Well at least he pays.. or you are lucky to get that money.. its £30 a week. Hardly a big deal when he hasn’t seen him in months (well before covid), has never had to provide for him on a daily basis.

Me and my sons dad split when he was a tiny newborn - we’ve never lived together. It’s been 10 years since we split now.

Aibu to think paying for a child doesn’t make you a good parent but actually seeing your child and spending time with them is?

What’s money compared to spending time with your children?

YANBU - the term father is an active role and any money they may pay doesn't make them a great dad imo

You are right, it doesn't make him a good father as the father bits that matter he can't be arsed with. At best it makes him slightly better than those who don't pay and don't see their children, but that is an exceedingly low bar.

Paying for your child doesn't make you a good parent, but not paying for your child makes you a bad one.

No matter how broke you are, if you were the resident parent, you would find a way of paying for that child somehow, so there's no reason why non-resident parents should get away with contributing nothing.

There's a balance. Good parents should financially and emotionally support their children where possible. £30 per week isn't really financially supporting a ten year old though. It's all relative though - if he lives far away or works abroad etc then it's not really his fault. For example, my FIL was in the military during my DH's childhood. His mum got endless joy from telling DH and SIL how much daddy didn't love them and never wanted to see them - but he was in Iraq/Afghanistan/Cyprus/Bosnia... No one would say a married father in the military who sees his children rarely because he's on tour abroad is a bad father, the second he gets divorced somehow that changes. He paid a stupid amount in child support though, because MIL never worked and he was financially supporting them all in a very lavish lifestyle (private schools, music lessons etc) for years after their divorce.
It's just dependent on your own family situation.

It doesn't sound like those people are saying he is a good father, just that he is not the worst father.

Usually people only say things like that if you are going on and on about someone.

I wouldn't consider having a child when your job involves getting posted to a war zone good parenting either. I'd always assumed that was part of the "hero" trope - sacrificing your own family's wellbeing for the greater good. Jobs that involve travel, and living abroad aren't things "not really his fault" - we aren't living in a dictatorship where jobs are assigned. If you disagree, imagine if both parents decided to live abroad and leave the child here. They would not be good parents.
OP are the people who say this playing the Pollyanna game? Obviously he'd be slightly worse if he didn't pay, but that doesn't make him good.

Mmm - I couldn’t vote either way - I agree with you and don’t ! My boys dad paid the bare minimum CSA rates , and did see the boys as per the court order but wouldn’t deviate - so refused to let them go to any parties on ‘his weekend’ etc , dropped them off at 7pm and made them sit in the car until 7pm even if they arrived home say 6.30pm. My DS said once he was dying for the loo and wasn’t allowed to leave the car because it wasn’t precisely the time. He had no empathy. Now the boys are grown up they have virtually no contact.

My DD’s dad pays not a penny maintenance yet sees her once a week for a fun afternoon. He is self employed and lazy - so he really earns hardly anything. He lived off me previously, now lives for free at his girlfriend’s (presumably until she tires of him too). DD loves him, thinks he’s great. But he never has and does not now provide for her, she never stays at his overnights , everything on my shoulders.

Which is better? Both lack . But I do think that it is the duty of a parent to provide the basics - a roof, clothes , food. DD’s dad doesn’t at all. He is more like a friendly cuddly uncle who pops by once a week and likes to post lots of pics of himself with her on his Facebook.

Paying the minimum in child maintenance and rarely seeing your child does not make you a good parent, but it does save you from being a despicable human being.

I get nothing, and when he did work he'd refuse to set up a direct debit and make me wait until he deemed it long enough before giving me anything.
These days I am quite glad to say I don't want or need his money, not because I'm rich but because I'm not with someone who drains my money and can't budget.
But even when he was paying me money, no it didn't make him a good dad. It didn't mean he saw our DC consistently or put them before drink.

Tbf would probably feel differently if your child’s father didn’t pay a penny. My ex doesn’t see our kids or pay, I do think a lot that if he did pay atleast that would be something, some acknowledgement that he has kids. I mean at least if your not gonna see them the least you could do is pay for them, but nope. So I think YABU. I don’t think they are saying it makes him a good dad though so I think you are twisting what they mean.