Aibu to ask my husband to stop relaying everything to pils

[Idaofmay]

Because it's really fucking me off.

PILs are nice, I like them, but we are very different people. They are very close to SIL and her children who visit for hours every day. I would say they are unusually close, but that's up to them, however it's not how I am myself.

Their favourite topic of conversation is the family, who is doing what, whether they should be doing it, what they should be doing instead. They can be a bit bitchy but there's no real malice in it, none of them have any hobbies or interests so they're just very very into each other and each other's lives, to the point where every event is hashed over and discussed, no matter how minor. For instance, if one of SIL's kids is at at a friend's house when we visit, this fact is relayed to us and discussed ad infinitum. Sil has rushed to the house to tell PILs that we've been on perfectly ordinary days out (posted a photo on Facebook) as if it's really big news, that sort of thing.

DH,in turn, seems to feel the need to relate every aspect of our own business as if it's news. I've weaned him off the worst of it- informing them of my medical appointments for example - but he will still relay every fact, even ones I honestly would have thought he'd know better - comments I've made about my best friend's boyfriend who is a dick to be sure, but who happens to work with BIL, that sort of thing.

They really took against my other SIL (not DH's sister) when she had her children, basically because she did things differently to them. We now have a baby and I know they will be having similar conversations and discussions about us. I had a chat with DH about how now that we are adults with a family of our own, we don't need to inform our parents about every little thing we do. Now I've just found out that he's told them something I actually made a point of asking him not to- a small decision I was talking with him about regarding our baby, along the lines of when I should stop breastfeeding. SIL is now asking how the weaning is going.

Aibu or is this not a big deal? I try to talk to him about it and he gets offended and thinks I'm criticising his parents, but I'm not, I just don't feel the need to relay all information to them. It feels at times as though DH has been trained to do this -at its height I've seen him visit, sit down, and immediately start into a blow by blow account of everything we've been doing since we last saw them. He doesn't even question it or cherry pick information, and I've seen his siblings do exactly the same thing.

Everything just seems to be held in common in the family, they also walk in and out of houses and take things without asking and I suspect they think me up myself because I don't do things this way. I would count myself close to my own family, but we're all quite private and individual people and I think naturally a bit more careful of where we tread.

DH is cross at me now because I had a go at him about once again sharing information that should have been between us with them. I actually have to specifically ask him not to repeat certain things because he just has no filter for what it shareable and what should obviously not be, yet he still slips up.

[VeganCow]

My ex's family were like this They were boring and had no lives whatsoever and not a lot to discuss because most of them didn't work and they never went anywhere apart from the shop. They were nice enough and not bitchy or nasty but all they did was talk about what sportswear they had found cheap, what they had for tea, what one of their toddlers had done like "fallen over and got up by himself!" and seemed surprised if we did anything that fell outside of their narrow expectations. For example we went for a run out to a beach with the dogs in the middle of october once and they couldn't believe it - "What, the beach in October??but it isn't summer and its cold".
Also get what you mean by on display, like they almost appoint themselves jury to decide if what you have said or done passes their family rules and if not it is hashed out- what, a cold salad on the side of a hot meal? Look at these Nike trainers you should get them as they're a proper sports make. Have you not put her name down for school yet, but she is 5 days old now, you need to get moving.

Tedious. I think I would play the game too. Put random, way out stuff into their lap and see what they do with it. Then come back on here with their reactions

[GabriellaMontez]

Sympathy. It's hard when you cant trust your husband to respect your privacy.

I stopped telling mine stuff because he would blab inappropriately or prematurely. But there were things that we should have talked about as a couple. It contributed to the breakdown of our relationship.

I think you should be more direct with his family when possible. "I'd like to speak to the midwife privately could you go in the kitchen"

It doesnt matter what they think of you. If they do think you're up yourself so much the better.

[LittleMissMe99]

I'm close to my family and my husbands and we talk about the tiniest things. No malice, we just love our family and like to talk to each other.

[murakamilove]

Oh gosh - sympathies OP - I too am married into a family like this. It’s really tricky, have been with DP for over 30 years, but didn’t realise how dreadful it was until had children - 18 years ago.
Fortunately, my husband can see exactly what goes on and how dull it is, he pacifies them with certain details (definitely not my medical appts) & we just let it go over our heads. Hope you can find a way through. X

[pollymere]

This sounds horrible. You need to have a firm chat with your DH about things meant to be shared and things that are not. I've had serious chats with DH about his parents. I decided that he needed to realise I couldn't be happy as things were. If your DH shares every poo of your child as it grows up for example, or every time you have sex, how would you feel? You need to explain that for your marriage to work, he needs to share less. It also sounds like you need to spend less time there and more time doing things you can talk about!

[Kithulu]

I just think it's a bit late to worry about this now. You must have met them before you were married with a child

[DagenhamRoundhouse]

Sounds downright unhealthy!

[user1471590586]

His parents remind me of my MIL. She is a massive gossip and the main source of conversation is what's happening in the family. Luckily my husband knows better than sharing stuff with her. She does not understand what confidential means and tells everyone peoples private business. She even told everyone about someone having an abortion when it was meant to be shared.

[user1471590586]

Wasn't meant to be shared.

[Oasis22]

Wow, you could be me. I also have had to tolerate the different-ness of my partners family. And I say tolerate because whenever we stay with them I am literally on the point of exploding most of the time. They are totally as you describe, in and out of each others houses unannounced, no need for any privacy or (what I would call) manners. In a way I wish i was more like them as it would feel normal to know everything about what the other was doing, at all times.

My partner and I have had many, many arguments about what he tells my MIL. Like yours, he doesnt understand why I care or need some privacy. I think if she wasn't so overbearing and had such forceful opinions about how to raise children, I wouldn't mind so much. On everything from breastfeeding to haircuts to childrens manners, we have different opinions. So when DP tells her our plans or about something I've done I just know she would be criticising, quite openly to the rest of the family. She even does it to my face if I'm there. (But in such a passive aggressive way that makes me look like an idiot if I react).

So I guess my conclusion is that it's not the sharing of information that is the real issue here, it's the fact that I know she is unsupportive and critical of me generally, so why fuel the fire? Of course he would never believe that of his innocent old mum, and we can never say anything can we? I feel your pain, you have my sympathy.

[Scout2016]

YANBU. One side of my family are like this. When a relative was TTC we all knew. Marriage breaks up, you get the details. No privacy. I get long stories about the disasters that befell people I have never met and am never going to meet. I am naturally private but feel positively secretive with them, because I edit what I tell them. Not just because I want privacy but also it would be mulled over ad infinitum forevermore and brought up when I wasn't in the mood. No sensitivity it's all just fodder.
I ring my gran and she tells me what I've been doing.
My sister has had a big tattoo and we are keeping it secret for as long as we can. We are late 30s!
They will be massively over involved if they can but equally not actually that interested in us as individuals.

[Jeeperscreepers69]

Tell him men that gossip are a unattractive entity. Christ my son tells me what i need to no. I dont think id like to see him bitching like a girl.

[FelicisNox]

You do need to find a middle ground but YANBU as he is over sharing.

From now on, everytime he starts talking your business, say very loudly: er, EXCUSE me?? And keep doing it until he stops.

You need to have another conversation about boundaries and make it clear that if he continues not only will you simply stop telling him anything of any importance but you will start telling your friends and family his very personal business and mean it.

Literally stop talking to him if you have to. If there is no information going his way there will be no gossiping.

Also correct him and be clear, you are not criticising his family, you are criticising HIM and his highly inappropriate behaviour.

[Tsubasa1]

YANBU and I'm not sure if it's as harmless as you are making it out to be. Your DH's family comment on every decision you make out loud, to let you know whether they approve or not.

[PerfidiousAlbion]

You’re lucky, my ex used to tell his parents when I farted, how loud it was and if it smelled. No topic was private or out of bounds for family (and friends!) discussion. Mortified doesn't come close.

I’d leave the bastard OP, it’s who he is.

[MulticolourMophead]

[quote Notupforit]**@MulticolourMophead* Equally, he married OP, knowing her family don't overshare to this extent. It goes both ways, so yes, OP does have a right to expect some privacy.*
No. Because OP is trying to change DP's relationship with HIS family. It would be equally wrong for DP to try to change OP's relationship with her family. What is fair here is to allow each grown adult to have their own relationship with their own family on their own terms. If OP had a problem then she should have said something before she married him and had children. If it didn't bother her before then she can't expect him to change his entire family dynamic now.
I agree that OP has a right to privacy - she does not have a right to suddenly decide, years into a relationship that her opinion on acceptable behaviour has changed and DP must do whatever she says.[/quote]
OP still has the right to expect some privacy. It's an ongonig situation, and from reading OP's posts, it sounds like she's tried talking to him before, and more than once.

And on reading the post about the midwife, then I do think this sounds like enmeshment, which is an unhealthy dynamic.

[Idaofmay]

Thanks all. I've been reading up on codependant/enmeshed families since I posted this, and there's actually a lot that is making sense. Not so much with DH to be fair, but certainly the relationship between other PILs. It also goes some way to explain why the eldest sibling is quite separate from the rest of them, I could never work out why, it was never mentioned, and DH just looks blank when I ask.

I think they're a bit odd really, it just took me a while to notice

[crispysausagerolls]

I had an ex whose family was like this. It actually got me down quite a lot by the end; it’s really small minded, boring and turns your brain to mush to spend all day long talking about people’s business. Very negative and shitty. And knowing your business will be scattered everywhere too.

[thepeopleversuswork]

I couldn't tolerate that, it sounds unbearably claustrophobic and they sound incredibly dull and limited people.

I also don't understand the people piling on here to say you married him/married his family. WTF? You married him, not his parents and siblings. Yes that comes with an obligation to be reasonably inclusive of them, but not to share intimate details about your fertility, breastfeeding habits and finances.

I really don't understand why a grown man is thought not to be capable of separating himself from this and modelling his own family life as he sees fit.

I think you need to have a proper talk with him and say that you love and respect his family etc but there are some things which remain private. Boundaries.

[Feedingthebirds1]

I think the tone would be different if OP were a man saying his DW should be prevented from sharing with her mum.

The tone would be absolutely no different if she was telling her mum every time he had a shit, telling her DM that they were thinking of buying a new/car/washing machine/brand of soap, when it was still just a glint of an idea, so that the rest of her family could all know about it and discuss it between themselves and ask intrusive questions. If she immediately ran to tell her DM when he screwed up a project at work, what he'd done, all the repercussions from it, so that her DM could talk about it with all the rest of the family and keep bringing it up in the future.

However there is a bit of me that thinks the above is actually what the OP should do and see how he likes it. Tell her DM about his piles and his scrotum itch, the new laptop he's thinking of buying, what he had for his tea..... She doesn't need to do it, just pretend to be on the phone to her mum.

[MulticolourMophead]

I think the tone would be different if OP were a man saying his DW should be prevented from sharing with her mum.

I would have the same opinion. I did not share everything with my mum, because some things need to remain private and between a couple.

[BarbedBloom]

I know what you mean actually as I have been there. My ex was like this. I didn't care what he told them about himself, but he had no right to be telling them personal stuff about me. He would tell them about all of my medical appointments, including the fertility tests I had, describing how I had to have an internal scan of my ovaries. He told them about my smear tests. Nothing was off limits.

The trouble was he would tell them stuff my family didn't know about and then when my in laws saw my parents they would take great delight in telling them stuff.

It is really difficult to understand if you haven't experienced it. You feel that you have no privacy at all and this went along with their lack of understanding about boundaries in general, like MIL wanting to come talk to me while I was showering. It is one of the reasons we split up to be honest.

I think you need to have a final talk with him and explain he doesn't get to tell them personal things about you. If he continues with that then your choice is either to split or to keep anything private to yourself and exclude him from it.

[Corna]

God barbedbloom that's awful

[goodeyebrows]

I’m really intrigued to know more about the eldest sibling OP. Can you elaborate?

[Idaofmay]

It's nothing huge really, but considering they are a close family (and mention this quite a lot) the eldest sibling doesn't have a huge amount to do with them, despite living very close by. Everything is very civil and nice, but this sibling seems to stay rather apart from the rest of pils. I thought maybe this was because there is a largish age gap between this eldest and the rest of the siblings. Eldest also lived with a grandparent for a few years (which I thought was unusual but was told it was because of PILs work at the time) and left home fairly young.

I pointed this all out to DH once and he just looked a bit confused