Aibu to ask my husband to stop relaying everything to pils

[Idaofmay]

Because it's really fucking me off.

PILs are nice, I like them, but we are very different people. They are very close to SIL and her children who visit for hours every day. I would say they are unusually close, but that's up to them, however it's not how I am myself.

Their favourite topic of conversation is the family, who is doing what, whether they should be doing it, what they should be doing instead. They can be a bit bitchy but there's no real malice in it, none of them have any hobbies or interests so they're just very very into each other and each other's lives, to the point where every event is hashed over and discussed, no matter how minor. For instance, if one of SIL's kids is at at a friend's house when we visit, this fact is relayed to us and discussed ad infinitum. Sil has rushed to the house to tell PILs that we've been on perfectly ordinary days out (posted a photo on Facebook) as if it's really big news, that sort of thing.

DH,in turn, seems to feel the need to relate every aspect of our own business as if it's news. I've weaned him off the worst of it- informing them of my medical appointments for example - but he will still relay every fact, even ones I honestly would have thought he'd know better - comments I've made about my best friend's boyfriend who is a dick to be sure, but who happens to work with BIL, that sort of thing.

They really took against my other SIL (not DH's sister) when she had her children, basically because she did things differently to them. We now have a baby and I know they will be having similar conversations and discussions about us. I had a chat with DH about how now that we are adults with a family of our own, we don't need to inform our parents about every little thing we do. Now I've just found out that he's told them something I actually made a point of asking him not to- a small decision I was talking with him about regarding our baby, along the lines of when I should stop breastfeeding. SIL is now asking how the weaning is going.

Aibu or is this not a big deal? I try to talk to him about it and he gets offended and thinks I'm criticising his parents, but I'm not, I just don't feel the need to relay all information to them. It feels at times as though DH has been trained to do this -at its height I've seen him visit, sit down, and immediately start into a blow by blow account of everything we've been doing since we last saw them. He doesn't even question it or cherry pick information, and I've seen his siblings do exactly the same thing.

Everything just seems to be held in common in the family, they also walk in and out of houses and take things without asking and I suspect they think me up myself because I don't do things this way. I would count myself close to my own family, but we're all quite private and individual people and I think naturally a bit more careful of where we tread.

DH is cross at me now because I had a go at him about once again sharing information that should have been between us with them. I actually have to specifically ask him not to repeat certain things because he just has no filter for what it shareable and what should obviously not be, yet he still slips up.

[gingerbiscuits]

You're DEF not being unreasonable - I feel your pain - my inlaws are exactly the same- it's SO bl00dy irritating!!

Luckily, my husband hates it as much as I do & doesn't feed into it if he can help it but at one point I actually had a message from one of my MIL's friends (who I don't know!) to ask how my recent doctor's appt had gone & if my menstrual cycle had settled down!!??!! WTF????

Don't even get me started on the "You'll never guess how much they paid for..." conversations! Unreal.

[tonercartridges]

DH's DM is a bit like this. He isn't a big gossiper but if she asks he'd tell her anything. She's lovely but there have to be boundaries. She's very interested in bodily functions and will tell me in detail about not only her own (eww) ailments, but also those of her older DS, who does have some health issues. I have tried telling her it's TMI but she doesn't get it.

When I have anything remotely personal going on, I do have to spell it out to him that I don't want him telling her, otherwise I know he would. They are those sort of people who - when you ask how they are - they actually tell you.....!

OP - I sympathise, your ILs sound far worse than mine! You will just have to lay down the law and stick to your guns. Good luck!

[Dizzybet74]

Not quite so extreme but my DH overshares too. He tells his parents things that do him to favours in the long run but still does it time and again. He also tells them 'my' news that I haven't even told my parents! The worst was when I had my ds1, I said I didn't want anyone to know I was in labour and they would just here when baby was born. I thought we had agreed upon this but then I find out he phoned his dad to tell him when he went to get the bags from the car at the hospital!!! Obviously I was very hormonal when I found out but it made me super upset and angry. I'd been in the early stages of labour and chatted normally with my mum ffs!!!

[Lynda07]

QuoteTeadrinker6 Fri 26-Jun-20 09:54:18
I am the over sharer in my relationship. I have always told my parents everything (I don't know why). I also love a good old gossip (judge away).
........
Share about yourself if you want to but not about anyone else. Respect your husband's privacy.

[MrsCollinssettled]

I would be so tempted to share with MIL that DH wasn't able to turn you on as much as he used to ( in the strictest confidence between you and me MIL ). Lack of trust will do that.

However in reality I would be very wary about what I shared with DH and would seriously be considering having my mail redirected to someone I could trust.

[Loreleigh]

Some families are happy to live in each others pockets, as such. Some feel free to enter homes, help themselves to things, borrow things without asking etc. I struggle to understand how some of these families are soooooooooo involved in the lives of others and view their behaviour as closeness, sharing, unity rather than gossiping, busybodying, controlling, nosy... I'm with you in that I wouldn't want a partner/spouse sharing every aspect of our lives, making ever decision a family concern, every personal choice something of a family debate. It would drive me insane and I'd tell them if they can't avoid gossip I will stop telling them things as it doesn't make for a trusting relationship. A part of me would be tempted to intentionally tell him fibs and/or potentially embarrassing things and let them talk about that (especially if you make it gossip about a busybodying gossipy family ;) )

[thepeopleversuswork]

Dita73

"You sound very threatened by your husband being so close to his family. It’s just how some families are and you can’t expect him to just turn it off."

Sorry, this is absolute nonsense. She absolutely can expect him to turn of sharing highly private information about her with his parents. There are plenty of things which happen in marriages or LTRs which are and should remain private. I wouldn't dream of sharing private medical details or financial information about a partner with my dad or sister and I would be furious if my boyfriend told his mum things about my menstrual cycle or how I feed my DD. She's not determining the relationship between her DH and his parents, just requesting that he don't share very private information with them without her consent. I think that's absolutely reasonable.

When you marry someone and have children you form your own family with its own bonds and values. You (between you) get to reset the terms as suits your family. It's absolutely not incumbent on you to bring the entire extended family into this.

Frankly I think its childish and unhealthy to want your parents and siblings with a ring-side seat in your marriage. And god forbid if they split up and divorced. It makes me claustrophobic just thinking about it.

[Teadrinker6]

I am the over sharer in my relationship. I have always told my parents everything (I don't know why). I also love a good old gossip (judge away).
My husband is the private one and all of his family are very private. They don't tell each other anything at all. I find it quite sad really. I had a miscarriage before we had our kids now and he wouldn't tell his parents. My parents helped me through it and his parents don't know that the baby ever existed. I know there are lots of secrets within the family that noone talks about. If I ever asked a question about a family member they would always say they didn't know.
It has been a problem for us as my husband didn't like me over sharing, particularly about medical things. I try very hard to not do it now but sometimes things do slip out. My mum always acts very hurt if she feels out of the loop.

[blutoo]

From experience of my own, who seem similar, I'd say yours won't change. You may find it gets better when your child(ren) are a bit older (at school) as I have found that to be the case. The baby stage can be overwhelming with in laws and families like this if it's not your style of communication. Definitely speak to your husband about it again - and specifically about the affect it's having on you (and your relationship with him/ the baby) as that should be his main concern not his parents. Good luck with it, hopefully it will become easier.

[SinisterSparkle]

My husband family are exactly like this lol it's like somthing out a tv show . They will face time kids for an example and DC could be counting ants or telling them about our bbq or whatever small then say sil rings after and shell say things like are you counting ants again how many did you find, and I just thinking did you really have a convo with your mom about DC ant counting? Loool also when their round I literally hear about everyones business all the little things like some bought socks aha Christmas is the best ! Mil introduces a person (friend,family or extended family ) to me and then relays every last bit of their life to me and anyone after . It's not just mil they all do it, it's just their fav subject.
BUT! My husband isnt like them to an extent he is quite private and only share important relevant info so I feel for you

[rawlikesushi]

Well I think it depends what it is.

Talking to his parents about what he's been up to, decisions he's mulling over, news about your baby is all perfectly normal imo.

I'm close to my mum and talk to her most days, and tell her pretty much everything about our family life. It's never occurred to me that that wasn't a perfectly normal thing between people who love each other and want the best for each other.

Obviously, if he's told her things that are personal to you - details of medical appointments for example - or things you've specifically asked him not to, then that's wrong.

[Casino218]

I get you totally. My DHs family are exactly the same. They are a big catholic family. They grew up with other big catholic families all trotting round each other's houses and talking none stop about each other's business. Anyway it's more his mum and two sisters that are like this. It drives me mad as DH can't stop telling them personal stuff. It has driven some off the younger family members away to be honest as they felt gossiped about. They can't even see it's a problem. It doesn't get better. It gets worse!

[Diorissimo1985]

I really sympathise OP, my MIL is the same - everyday minutiae is fascinating to her! I can’t fathom it. She is a huge gossip too. I get her telling me stories like ‘my neighbour’s daughter-in-law is having problems ttc’ - I have no idea who that is and I’m also mortified to be hearing private details about someone else’s life.
I realised she must be sharing all our details to every Tom, Dick and Harry too. I try to limit what I share personally and DH does now too.
I think it stems from being highly judgemental and controlling, and it manifests in needing to know everything about everyone, no matter how insignificant.

[Feedingthebirds1]

You sound very threatened by your husband being so close to his family. It’s just how some families are and you can’t expect him to just turn it off

How he deals with it is up to him. She has every right to insist that he turns it down - a lot. And to turn it off completely when the information is personal and private to her. He has no right to breach her privacy in the interests of providing his family with something to talk about.

[S0upertrooper]

PS I think my in laws were like this because they thought sharing information about others made them sound important. They had sad, boring lives and were probably a bit jealous that we did things that they didn't. Stuff like going out for a meal or to the theatre, nothing earth shattering!

[S0upertrooper]

My MIL and her daughter were like this and very clever at teasing info from DH. I'm happy to share my shit with folk that are supportive, care about me and have an understanding of boundaries but they had none of those qualities.

She used to cry if he didn't give her information. One tantrum I recall was wanting to know what flowers were in my wedding bouquet. I mean seriously!!!! Had I told her this seamingly innocent gem of information it would have spread like wildfire through her gossipy friends and family and every aspect judged. I totally withdrew from them which impacted on their relationship with my DH but, fuck it, if they had been reasonable individuals it could have been avoided.

In hindsight I wish I'd been more savvy and stood up to them, MIL is now dead and we are NC with SIL because of her poisonous gossip.

[Dita73]

You sound very threatened by your husband being so close to his family. It’s just how some families are and you can’t expect him to just turn it off

[CardsforKittens]

OP, I once had a gynaecological issue that needed treatment. I was staying with my DH and his parents at the time. He told his mum and asked her not to tell anyone else. Nevertheless, several of my ILs asked about it over the next few days. It’s like a betrayal. And I agree with PP: if people haven’t experienced it, they don’t get it.

[Lynda07]

crispysausagerolls Thu 25-Jun-20 20:40:42
I had an ex whose family was like this. It actually got me down quite a lot by the end; it’s really small minded, boring and turns your brain to mush to spend all day long talking about people’s business. Very negative and shitty. And knowing your business will be scattered everywhere too.
........
I would feel very depressed about that.

I hope the op deals with it now, she may have been able to cope before becoming a mother but now things are different. I can imagine every decision and, in future, every faux pas committed by the child being dissected at family gatherings.

[Celestine70]

Maybe it is out of order but I don't think it's unusual.

[Shewhomustbeobeyed1]

Reminds me of this Catherine Tate sketch

[Damsel]

Was this behaviour not evident before you married your DH?

[Idaofmay]

barbedbloom that's awful but I recognise it sadly. The showering thing. To my in laws, they'd see it as, I'm doing nothing else, they can't see any nakedness so why not chat through the door. SIL has actually come in when I've been about to jump in the shower and she just said she'd sit in the living room and wait until I was out. To be fair to them if the roles were reversed they wouldn't care if it was them, but the flipside is they get offended if anyone else does. Weirdly though they're very very prudish about sex

[Idaofmay]

It's nothing huge really, but considering they are a close family (and mention this quite a lot) the eldest sibling doesn't have a huge amount to do with them, despite living very close by. Everything is very civil and nice, but this sibling seems to stay rather apart from the rest of pils. I thought maybe this was because there is a largish age gap between this eldest and the rest of the siblings. Eldest also lived with a grandparent for a few years (which I thought was unusual but was told it was because of PILs work at the time) and left home fairly young.

I pointed this all out to DH once and he just looked a bit confused

[goodeyebrows]

I’m really intrigued to know more about the eldest sibling OP. Can you elaborate?