Aibu to ask my husband to stop relaying everything to pils

[Idaofmay]

Because it's really fucking me off.

PILs are nice, I like them, but we are very different people. They are very close to SIL and her children who visit for hours every day. I would say they are unusually close, but that's up to them, however it's not how I am myself.

Their favourite topic of conversation is the family, who is doing what, whether they should be doing it, what they should be doing instead. They can be a bit bitchy but there's no real malice in it, none of them have any hobbies or interests so they're just very very into each other and each other's lives, to the point where every event is hashed over and discussed, no matter how minor. For instance, if one of SIL's kids is at at a friend's house when we visit, this fact is relayed to us and discussed ad infinitum. Sil has rushed to the house to tell PILs that we've been on perfectly ordinary days out (posted a photo on Facebook) as if it's really big news, that sort of thing.

DH,in turn, seems to feel the need to relate every aspect of our own business as if it's news. I've weaned him off the worst of it- informing them of my medical appointments for example - but he will still relay every fact, even ones I honestly would have thought he'd know better - comments I've made about my best friend's boyfriend who is a dick to be sure, but who happens to work with BIL, that sort of thing.

They really took against my other SIL (not DH's sister) when she had her children, basically because she did things differently to them. We now have a baby and I know they will be having similar conversations and discussions about us. I had a chat with DH about how now that we are adults with a family of our own, we don't need to inform our parents about every little thing we do. Now I've just found out that he's told them something I actually made a point of asking him not to- a small decision I was talking with him about regarding our baby, along the lines of when I should stop breastfeeding. SIL is now asking how the weaning is going.

Aibu or is this not a big deal? I try to talk to him about it and he gets offended and thinks I'm criticising his parents, but I'm not, I just don't feel the need to relay all information to them. It feels at times as though DH has been trained to do this -at its height I've seen him visit, sit down, and immediately start into a blow by blow account of everything we've been doing since we last saw them. He doesn't even question it or cherry pick information, and I've seen his siblings do exactly the same thing.

Everything just seems to be held in common in the family, they also walk in and out of houses and take things without asking and I suspect they think me up myself because I don't do things this way. I would count myself close to my own family, but we're all quite private and individual people and I think naturally a bit more careful of where we tread.

DH is cross at me now because I had a go at him about once again sharing information that should have been between us with them. I actually have to specifically ask him not to repeat certain things because he just has no filter for what it shareable and what should obviously not be, yet he still slips up.

[GrandAltogetherSo]

Bottom line: You need to learn to be much more tolerant of his family.

There are plenty of families that live in each other’s pockets. It wouldn’t suit me at all but then I’m not married into that sort of family, BUT YOU ARE.

Did you marry him expecting him to change and become more like your family?

I have a friend similar to you who didn’t approve of how his family behaved and expected her husband to follow her wishes as he had married into HER FAMILY.

She’s a lovely person but she can’t see that she’s making impossible demands on her husband because she views her family dynamic as normal and his Family as the abnormal set up.

Fact is, they’re just different.

Sadly, her DH has recently started suffering mental health problems that are mostly unrelated, but you can see he is torn between his upbringing and trying to please his wife and maintain cordial relations between the two parties.

[Craftycorvid]

It sounds stifling! Are there any cultural rules or expectations about family coming into play here? If not and they’re just hugely enmeshed, possibly dodge gatherings if you can? I’d be so tempted to deny everything if my DH couldn’t keep quiet, or just keep ‘correcting’ every detail he utters. If it’s cultural, that’s very tricky: and again, maybe limiting your presence to ‘special occasions’?

[FloridaEquilla]

@Idaofmay

OMG they sound AWFUL. Horrendous

There is no way I could live like this. I would feel like shit being told to put up with what you’ve described. Perhaps they’re nice people but they sound like petty-minded gossips. It reminds me slightly of the book Milkman. Their dynamic is very controlling.

[AnneOfCreamCables]

Your DH doesn't have a problem with it so he isn't going to change and you can't micro-manage how he speaks to his family.
I have every sympathy with you. Parts of my family are equally suffocating and DH used to carry information back. I developed two tactics to deal with it. Firstly I only ever had conversations about topics that I didn't mind being discussed with and by everyone. Secondly, I adopted the attitude that I didn't care what DH's family said. It had no impact on my life. I let their comments and opinions wash over me.
I very quickly gave up on trying to get DH to change. Although, admittedly over the years he has told his family less and less.

[MulticolourMophead]

@ZombieFan

You picked him, you married him, you had a baby with him. Its to late now to stop him having (in his eyes) a normal relationship with his parent and siblings.

If my DP told me I couldn't discuss my life or children with my parents the way I always have it would LTB time. Very controlling.

Equally, he married OP, knowing her family don't overshare to this extent. It goes both ways, so yes, OP does have a right to expect some privacy.

Actually, they sound very judgemental.

[catflapuk]

YANBU OP. I have no advice but totally get you. My brother is oversharing with my parents and my dad especially likes to get involved. If my brother and SiL think of getting a new washing machine my dad will know soon enough, start doing the research, give recommendations and then complain if he feels they paid too much.

Worst example is they got CCTV installed which overlooks their garden and my brother gave my Dad the code for the CCTV app so he can log in from his own house. He actually does from time to time and checks what they are doing in their garden. Drives SiL nuts. Its totally crazy and I can't believe they see how a line has been crossed.

[Idaofmay]

@GrandAltogetherSo but I don't want him to change, or for his family to change or anything like that. I just want him to stop telling them every single thing about our lives often before we've come to a decision ourselves as a married couple, also to consider my privacy before sharing certain information. You can be close and familiar with family without giving them tickets to a 24/7 ringside view of your private life

[Idaofmay]

@AnneOfCreamCables that's really useful advice, thank you so much.

@catflapuk yep that sounds like my pils. I wanted to paint our crappy old kitchen cupboards, DH says "better ask dad first, that paint might not be right for that wood". I told him I'd had a look online, the paint was fine, and they were our fucking cupboards. I learned after I wanted to strip paint off another wall, I had the stuff ready to do it one weekend, but it took another month because DH "asked Dad" and it became a fucking dog and pony show involving special tools and brushes and removing hinges and I don't know what, in the end I just did what I wanted in the first place. We didn't get the carpet FIL recommended for one of our rooms and he still tells us our carpet is shit, despite looking totally fine years later

[diddl]

"You can be close and familiar with family without giving them tickets to a 24/7 ringside view of your private life"

I agree. I mean there's a compromise, isn't there?

I think what I find hard to figure is that even though they might be ok with sharing everything about themselves, they seem to think that anything thing that they know about anyone is fair game!

I thought that being an adult automatically meant some kind of a filter-but maybe not!

[Lynda07]

idaofmay, I feel for you. You are entitled to have some privacy and your husband must learn to respect that. Please don't go easy when emphasising how you feel about his lack of discretion and that there is nothing wrong, or odd, about your feelings. Many others would feel exactly the same. I would be mortified and embarrassed.

It is not sly or secretive to keep some things private; on the contrary, it is quite normal.

It's not going to be easy for your husband to change but you can help him by not confiding in him for a while about things, for example, that bother you or that you would like to do. He'll eventually notice and wonder why at which point you can say, quite frankly, you are nervous that he will repeat it to his family and they will dissect the information. Also, do not be drawn in to gossipping and speculating about others in their absence - I'm sure you don't. It's not difficult to be vague and divert the conversation.

The in laws are not bad people but insensitive to anyone whose ways are different to theirs.

Show him this thread if you can. I haven't read all the posts but see from the percentages that most people believe you are not unreasonable.

One thing I've learned in my iife is to be careful with whom you share information.

By the way it was a pleasure to read your opening post in the sense that your sentences flowed effortlessly and it was easy to absorb.

I hope all works out well in the end.

[Notupforit]

This would drive me insane but I think you're being unreasonable. You can't suddenly decide that you now have a problem and expect him to have to do what you want. Why do you get to decide what he tells his parents about both of your lives? If you had an issue at the start of the relationship then express that to him. If he changes then that's his decision. If he doesn't then either you can put up with it or leave. Seems unfair to wait this long to suddenly decide that you have a problem and try to change his family.

[CambsAlways]

Very disrespectful to you, is nothing sacred! I don’t understand the need to share all this information, it’s very odd and childish, I wouldn’t and couldn’t put up with all this, I’m feeling stifled just reading it,

[NancyPickford]

Your husband opened a letter addressed to you, and then told the contents to his family?

Are you ok with that?

[Notupforit]

@MulticolourMophead Equally, he married OP, knowing her family don't overshare to this extent. It goes both ways, so yes, OP does have a right to expect some privacy.
No. Because OP is trying to change DP's relationship with HIS family. It would be equally wrong for DP to try to change OP's relationship with her family. What is fair here is to allow each grown adult to have their own relationship with their own family on their own terms. If OP had a problem then she should have said something before she married him and had children. If it didn't bother her before then she can't expect him to change his entire family dynamic now.
I agree that OP has a right to privacy - she does not have a right to suddenly decide, years into a relationship that her opinion on acceptable behaviour has changed and DP must do whatever she says.

[Idaofmay]

I was in work, he had the day off, the letter came and it was obvious what it was, I asked him to open it and read it to me over the phone. So that wasn't an issue in itself, but he then told PILs when he was visiting to help them with a job later that day.

The thing is, when PILs are given a new piece of information, they won't just pass it on in the normal course of conversation the next time they see another family member, they do a special ring around to inform everyone, so DH would have casually mentioned me not getting in, then the minute he was away, SIL either would have called in or PIL would have phoned her. So I was getting "sorry to hear you didn't get into the course" texts before I'd had a chance to phone my own parents that evening

[Idaofmay]

@Notupforit to be honest it's got worse since we had a child. I think they feel their opinion is more valid when applied to a blood relative rather than when I was just DH's girlfriend. Also since pregnancy there's more I'd like to keep private, details of birth for example

[Idaofmay]

And on the subject of birth, they all came round en mass for an unexpected visit when the midwife was here. I had to ask her some questions about my stitches, she had to ask some personal questions too, and they just sat there staring. Midwife and I were sort of waiting for them to excuse themselves to go to the kitchen and "make tea" or something, but they didn't. I had to ask the midwife to come into the bedroom instead

[Greyblueeyes]

You are going to have to set some serious boundaries, OP. They will do this to your children too. I'm sorry because I know it's going to be tough to do.

I am appalled by your husband sharing the news about your school and them not giving you space to speak with the midwife after your birth. That is just awful behavior. Your DH is ultimately allowing them to treat you this way.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

" It feels at times as though DH has been trained to do this "
Well - he has. Growing up, that was his 'normal'.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Sad as it is (and not really good for your relationship) I woould hesitate to share anything with your husband, knowing it would be automatically relayed to all his family.

And yes, I would tell him that was what I was considering doing.

[Winterwoollies]

@Idaofmay you could be describing my ILs. I despise it. I am discussed at length behind my back. My PIL then try to influence things in my marriage by trying to get my husband to ‘persuade’ me to do things their way. It is intolerable and utterly transparent. I’m not very traditional and they are and they don’t like it.

I accept they’re all obsessed with each other but I do not wish to be drawn into it, which I have made perfectly plain! My H worries about upsetting them so when he’s blindsided by a hideously direct and personal question from them, he just tells them.

If you find a solution, do let me know!

[Notupforit]

I really feel for you, I truly do. It sounds awful. But, at this stage, you've married him. It would be so grossly unfair to him to either expect him to change his dynamic with his family or to lose you. Imagine if it were the other way around, if he were telling you not to share things that you share with your family, not to see your family as much as you do. Just because you don't perceive it as "normal", he does! That's his family and you're expecting him to just give it up. You've left it too late for that to be a reasonable request.

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

Mine is also a complete blabber mouth to the parents and I wish to God I had taken a firmer stand on this years ago as its probably too late to teach an old dog new tricks. So try to nip it in the bud now if you can. Rinse and Repeat. I wish I had. Even worse, Mine likes to exaggerate and embellish for "comic" effect, making it into a really juicy anecdote to my hyper crticial MIL who takes it all literally without question. He often takes the phone into the garden so the neighbours can hear him booming away too. Its really predictable and annoying.

[ArgumentativeAardvaark]

For me the red flag here would be that he gets cross when you challenge him in this and seems incapable of changing his behaviour despite seeing how much it has upset you. Either you are not being honest about how deeply this affects you (which I doubt) or he is a selfish arse who does not prioritise the happiness of his wife above all else. It doesn’t matter in the slightest how he was raised or what his “ normal” is - when the person you live most in the world tells you that you are doing something that hurts them, you listen and try to change your behaviour. You do not get angry with them. I would be looking at counselling to explore why he is unable to do this.

[Kettlingur]

The thing is, when PILs are given a new piece of information, they won't just pass it on in the normal course of conversation the next time they see another family member, they do a special ring around to inform everyone

Very similar to my in-laws. Our niece got her first period, my BIL thought it was something he needed to call his mum and dad about, and next we're getting text messages from MIL about.. well, our niece's bodily functions. I heard later that the poor child was horrified, she really didn't want that to be the topic of the extended family roundtable discussions.

I've actually stopped telling things to my husband as he'll immediately run to his parents and blab. If I tell him something private about my side of the family, the next time I see MIL she will start hinting at whatever it is and making small digs ("such a pity that some people struggle with mental health, how IS your uncle by the way?")