Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Friends wanting to meet up during lockdown

19 replies

TheBananaInPyjamas · 23/06/2020 01:28

I'll begin by stating I am a very anxious person and have been terrified of this virus since the beginning. I've not broken lockdown at all, and have only seen one friend at a distance, and some family - again at a distance. I don't have a car and don't live near anyone.

Some of my friends now want to meet up, and I feel really uneasy about it. One friend wants me round to help do some decorating as she's recently moved. Another invited me round today with another friend and I didn't go. They sent pictures of them in the house on the sofa together, cuddling the cat etc. So obviously not social distancing. None of these people have been completely isolating either. (One is a frontline worker, others live with frontline workers)

Same friends have also said they want to meet up to go to Primark and the pubs when they open

AIBU to say no even though we're technically allowed to go shopping/drinking (once they're open) I just don't feel safe but I don't know how to say no when i know they won't get it.

Thanks if you got this far

OP posts:

Soon2BeMumof3 · 23/06/2020 01:37

It's fine to say you're not ready. If they are reasonable people they will understand. Just say to them what you have written here.

Maria53 · 23/06/2020 01:40

Yanbu. My friend feels anxious as you do and i understand. The only issue I have it she is still wanting to have video calls and I'm a bit like 'can we not just have a socially distanced walk?'. Havent said that but am thinking it.

I wouldnt be up for Primafk and all these normal activities yet. We are not out of the woods. I'd be starting with walks and having 1 person round to the house.

GoatyGoatyMingeMinge · 23/06/2020 02:06

Definitely not unreasonable - the decision to meet someone and the basis on which you do so are matters for you under any circumstances, pandemic or no. If you don't want to meet people then you shouldn't meet them, nor feel any obligation to do so.

unstableunicorn · 23/06/2020 02:22

Absolutely not unreasonable. People have different levels of comfort and caution and that should be respected. I'm quite an anxious person too so I've told my friends I'm not going shopping/ restaurants and that I'm not really comfortable going into people's homes yet either.

Would you feel comfortable going on walks with your friends? My mum did a socially distant afternoon tea with her friends, complete with gloves etc. Maybe something like that?

Monty27 · 23/06/2020 03:38

If you don't feel confident don't do it. It would be a shame though. Just see your friends and be safe ❤️

Mumdiva99 · 23/06/2020 03:46

I do think isolation breeds fear and we need to start getting back to a new normal. But going to someone's home isn't allowed yet. Why not invite 1 friend for a walk. You will probably be less anxious afterwards.

dontgobaconmyheart · 23/06/2020 03:55

No YANBU OP, to be cautious or say no to going into someones house when it is not allowed. Ypu don't have to do anything that makes you upset or uncomfortable.

I think though, there comes a point where it will be appropriate to address your anxiety over this and the affect it has had and may continue to have. Seeing friends safely is a part of that and necessary for mental health, as is being out in the sunshine, having fun, not revolving life around covid.

I would plan to make small steps you're comfortable with, such as socially distanced outdoor meetups, walks, in the garden and step up the frequency of those before taking on anything bigger. There is no rush and it takes time.

pigeon999 · 23/06/2020 06:35

They shouldn't be in the house, but I would push to meet for a walk, because your anxiety could end up getting the better of you and maybe you will never feel completely ready after this?

So yes to a half an hour socially distant walk with one friend, so it is not overwhelming and build up from there.

redcarbluecar · 23/06/2020 06:39

Do things in your own time and your own way. Short walks with friends are actually lovely and quite safe I think, so perhaps that’s a more realistic starting point when you’re ready.
I wouldn’t agree to help someone with their decorating at the moment, but then I probably wouldn’t usually

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 23/06/2020 06:46

Are you high risk/living in an area where theres been a surge in cases in the community?

If not the chances of any of them having it are so tiny. You dont need to breach guidance and go, but if you also are worried about friends catching it the risk really is tiny atm.

You mention anxiety. Can you reassure yourself by reading the proper statistics that show how low the current level of risk of community transmission is?

Daisyxxchainxx · 23/06/2020 06:51

You've got to use your common sense. The virus is out there. But it's making people miserable now. We've all got to get out this rut unless we are a high risk. The chance of a friend having it in many cases is tiny! But there's still cases and risk. But many get it mild etc.

I think you've got to try and get over the anxiety abit. If they open pubs then life has resumed as far as I'm concerned. Probably a stupid idea though. Pubs before sitting in families rooms is legal! Alcohol over children's swimming lessons resuming.its crazy!!

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 23/06/2020 07:07

The lockdown has eased.
People are allowed to meet up.
Pubs are opening.
You sound very anxious.

What would put your mind at ease?
I would think about that and get your anxiety treated. The virus is here to stay so you need to find a way to adjust to it.

But nobody is forcing you to leave your house or meet your friends. You need to make that risk assessment, take responsibility for that.

The country is getting back to a new ‘normal’ - you may just need a bit more time ☺️

GazeboParty · 23/06/2020 07:17

Your friends seem to have forgotten all about social distancing and the current rules, it’s not unreasonable of you to want to follow the official guidelines or even be a little more careful. People will come out of this in their own time, it’s still early days. 3 months ago - this site would be screaming murders at your friends for breaking the rules - now your the one seen with the problem. 🤔

Original poster

TheBananaInPyjamas · 23/06/2020 09:37

Thank you for your kind comments everyone. This has helped not feel so silly!

Some of you are right, I do need to address my anxiety as I don't want to remain scared forever. Will definitely work on this, but for now I feel less silly about just following the guidelines in place.

Will message a localish friend about a walk. The others all live an hour away on the tube and I have no car so that's tricky.

Thanks

OP posts:

Valkadin · 23/06/2020 10:06

I am anxious so you have my sympathy, we have had a couple of people round, socially distanced in the garden. They bring their own drinks and snacks.They can not come in the house at all, that’s it as against rules. So regardless of your anxiety your friends are breaking the rules and are selfish.

Now let me think of possibly the worst place to be in a pandemic if it’s not necessary. The tube is literally the last place I would want to be. Just asked DH who has no fear of anything and never has, even he has said no way. I asked because he is not an anxious type and not because I need a mans opinion before anyone jumps on that.

Mumdiva99 · 23/06/2020 11:52

Goodness - travelling an hour on the tube for a non-essential trip would be a mega no no for me at the moment and I don't have any anxiety.

A trip in the car to a friends garden....or meeting a local friend for a walk. But tube....no way.

LadyPrigsbottom · 23/06/2020 12:01

Yanbu. If my friend felt like this, I would 100% understand.

We haven't broken any rules over lockdown either, but as things are opening up, we are doing more of the safer things. I feel no great desire to go to Primark etc, but we went to a NT property (booked a place etc) a couple of weeks ago and it was heavenly. We are also a support bubble for someone who lives alone and that is great too.

I sort of feel that if we don't do some of the stuff we are able to now and IF we ended up back in another lockdown sometime later this year, (praying we don't obviously), then I'd regret not having made the most of it iyswim.

LadyPrigsbottom · 23/06/2020 12:03

And no, I wouldn't take the tube anywhere at the moment and nor do any of my London based friends. Not regularly or for social events. I thought that wasn't allowed? One is walking an hour and a half each way to work to avoid but OCCASIONALLY cracks and takes the tube. Another has taken it to go to her volunteer role but cycles everywhere else.

SomewhereEast · 23/06/2020 12:31

Leaving aside the specific situations here, as someone who has struggled with anxiety their whole adult life (twenty years), I think you also need help & tools to overcome anxiety issues or they become very life-limiting. Its easy to fall into the mentality that your life has to fit around your anxiety levels, rather than seeing your anxiety levels as something you need to challenge & work on to live a fuller life. My life would be soo much emptier & poorer if I hadn"t pushed myself out of my comfort zone back in my twenties. I'm naturally quite analytical, so my anxiety-managing tool is to weigh up risks etc quite dispassionately (I love statistics!). So for me my instinct has been to find out as much as I can statistically about Covid & then decide what I'm comfortable with....which is quite a lot .

Flip