To accept he doesn't care or to keep trying?

[PrettyTricky]

I have a difficult relationship with my dad. In fact I don't really have one at all.

He wasn't around when I was growing up and I've always felt very rejected by him.
This has continued into adulthood. I've tried to have a relationship with him, but it's always been me chasing and him not really bothering or repeating a cycle of interest and enthusiastic contact, saying he wants to have a closer relationship, then followed by nothing at all. It's not overt rejection which probably makes it worse as there's no finality to it, it's more silence, never following through on plans or promises, not responding for months, not inviting me to things. One example of the many is that had a big birthday party a few years ago with many people. It was publicised as he's a wealthy and prominent figure in my home town, and I found out by seeing pictures online the day after, which was very painful.

It's too long a story to relate really, but I sent him a whatsapp message (I don't feel I can just phone him) to say Happy Father's Day yesterday. He read it and didn't respond. So I've not had anything back. It's not as though he has other children, I'm the only one.
It's crushing if I think about it too much, because all I've ever wanted is for him to acknowledge me and to make me feel like I'm worth something - ridiculous really, I'm a grown woman with a family of my own. I sent a card and small gift too, more fool me.

I'm just at the point where I think, why am I bothering to persist? It's endlessly hurtful. I've thought about cutting all ties before, but hope stops me, I always hope that maybe one day he will change. Problem is, that keeps me stuck in this rejection cycle.

I guess my AIBU is -

YABU - you need to cut ties and accept he will never be who you want him to me.
YANBU - you should never give up hope, and should keep trying because he's your dad.

Sorry you are going through this OP.

Put it this way, he has let you down your whole life and is still doing it. Should you continue to allow him to disappoint you and reject you? Absolutely not.

Cutting contact gives you back some control, it’s going to give you some peace to make that decision and not allow him to continue to hurt you.

Focus on your own family now and be happy - maybe talk to someone to work through your feelings if you can.

Thanks @Teacaketotty I think you're right. It's hard to give up the hope that he'll change, but I'm just continuing to allow the cycle of rejection now and it's up to me to stop it.

I’m so sorry OP. You deserve better than that. But he’s shown you time and time again who he is. If he behaved badly, regretted it and then changed his behaviour then fine. But he hasn’t.

I've had similar with my Dad in the past. He's not quite as bad as yours, but I needed to learn to adjust my expectations of him. He is never going to be the Dad I want.

If I was in your position I would give up, it is just causing you pain and the situation is not going to change. For your mental health it would be better to walk away.

I went nc with my df when my dc started getting that sinking feeling - sat waiting for him to arrive and realising he wasn't coming... Spent my childhood feeling that.
He was a mean man and never bought me anything as a dc. No maintenance either but maybe dm knew he would not pay..
Not grabby but seeing sm with endless shopping bags pissed me off. She didn't work as she felt she didn't need to now she was married...
No regrets and it's over 20 years.

Poor you. :( Your dad seems hard work and unpleasant.

If it were me, I'd reduce your expectations of him to zero.
You sent him a father's day greeting yesterday, because YOU felt like it was the right thing to do. If you keep expectations at zero, it doesn't matter if he replies, or not. Because you expect nothing.

Keep it in your head that he will NEVER be the father you want, however hard you try. You've given this man chance after chance to be a father to you, and he's NEVER taken the opportunity.
So from now on, expect nothing from him. Assume you will never hear from him, assume he'll never be there when you need/want him, assume he can't, or won't, be bothered.
If you keep expectations at zero, you won't be disappointed by his failings, and will be pleasantly pleased when he does come through on something.

You don't HAVE to cut contact with him, if you don't WANT to. But you can adjust your expectations to zero, and behave accordingly. Accept that he's never going to be the father you want. But if you still want SOME relationship, however small or distant, you need to be emotionally ready for the relationship to stay as it currently is, forever. He's not going to get any better than he currently is.

@zingally I've thought a lot about this today, and what you've suggested feels more right than simply cutting contact. Whilst it seems the sensible thing to do, it would also mean that in some way I'd feel like I'd given up and I just don't think I can.

I think that changing my level of expectation to zero, but yet still doing what I feel is right in sending him good wishes on occasions and checking in with him feels better to me. I just need to have no expectation of reciprocation. I think I could live with that and even begin to take some comfort in feeling that I'd done all I could and have never given up.
I know he won't change, but that doesn't mean that I have to stop caring. Thank you.

That's a very damaging message you give yourself. A codependent message.

You think he should love you because he is your dad so you reject what he clearly shows you to be true because that doesn't mean that I have to stop caring. That's a bit stalker. I know the feeling though. I went through it with my parents who are not interested. Still, just because you want them to love you doesn't mean they have to, even if society says they should. The sooner you can get out of that codependent mindset the better for your mental health. It is liberating to drop it.

The trouble is that if you continue to try and he doesn’t respond then you will continue to feel let down. I doubt you could care and send messages yet not care at the same time.

He's not a dad, he's a sperm donor.

I think that changing my level of expectation to zero, but yet still doing what I feel is right in sending him good wishes on occasions and checking in with him feels better to me

Isn't that just continuing the cycle of hoping you'll one day be able to prove yourself worthy enough to be loved by him, only with an added layer of denial on top?

Why do you feel it right to keep making headspace for someone who spent your childhood trashing your selfesteem and your adulthood screwing with your head?

I am really sorry he has spent a lifetime hurting you. There is no excuse. To my mind, your first step to healing this pain is to stop denigrating yourself for feeling it - of course it's painful, even now.

The second step would seem to be to stop poking around in the wound and giving him chances to inflame it further. Wounds don't heal if we keep opening them up instead of caring for them.

You can't put your level of expectation down to zero though; it will always hurt if you provide the opportunity for it to do so.

My DP has a dreadful relationship with his father. The man will not message him for literally months at a time. Every time, DP is hurt. He knows his Dad is a useless father but he still sends messages, knowing all the while he won't get a reply.

DP says it's so that if his father dies, he can tell himself he did everything he could. But I'm the one who has to watch him deal with the hurt and disappointment. I'd have cut him off years ago; that's my advice to you. Cut your losses and get out of it.

Bless you, this is sad to read. I have much the same history with my father. Absent, disinterested, inconsistent at best, not his priority. I am absolutely in a place now where I have zero expectation anymore. I'm not disappointed if I don't hear from him, it barely registers with me if I don't get a happy birthday, I have no expectations of genuine, caring, paternal love, I don't feel disappointment if he cancels plans etc, and most important of all, he is NOTHING to my children and therefore they will never feel rejected by him. On the flip side, I can answer the phone and have a nice chat, we can go out for dinner etc and I can think 'that was nice' then it leaves my head and I think hardly anymore of it, or him. It's getting the balance of zero expectation without filling yourself with bitterness and resentment.

I think until you can let go and walk away, you will always be aware he isnt reciprocating your efforts which then reinforces the rejection you feel. I don't know how to advise you, I think it's a personal journey to feel zero expectation, and you have to want it. You have to be prepared to just accept what he gives, and shrug off what he doesn't. It doesn't sound like you're in that place yet, you are still full of disappointment and expectations in him, and feel the need to show you care.

He's not a dad, he's a sperm donor.

^^This (this is my 'father's' name in my phone).

My 'father' was exactly like yours. I realised early on that he was a waste of space and didn't have a fatherly bone in his body. As a pp stated, didn't know when his children's birthdays were. Was an absentee 'father' and barely contributed financially. You need to adjust your expectations of him (I did and didn't regret it). In fact at one point I didn't talk to him for 15 years. I wouldn't acknowledge his existence if I saw him in the street. Some people just aren't meant to be parents. 5 years ago he reached out and started to make an effort, but once again he reverted to his 'normal' behaviour. I just cut him off. I haven't spoken to him for 3 years now. You owe him nothing.