To not give a lift to my sick neighbour

[sessell]

I've been very careful and strict on social distancing during this Covid crisis. However my elderly neighbour was in a panic and asked me to take her to a&e the other day. She'd called 111 and they'd said it wasn't Covid. Her symptoms were the same as someone else I know who's had it (coughing up blood). The person who drove them to hospital also got infected. I told her this - reluctantly agreeing to drive - but she then did call an ambulance. Later she called me and asked me to collect her. I felt so sorry for her that I did, both wearing masks, car windows open, 7 minute drive, she in the back far side.
She is normally a very independent and private person, kind, an excellent neighbour and has never asked for anything before. They did tests which were inconclusive so there's to be follow up. They did not test for Covid!
I feel very conflicted as she seems suddenly very vulnerable and will need help. I expect she may ask me for a lift again. It is cruel not to help, but also stupid to risk my family being infected. I already feel worried and annoyed at myself for taking that risk. I feel annoyed at neighbour too for putting me in that position, but more compassionate as I know that to have asked she must have felt very scared and alone.
I think I have to keep a social distance from now on and say that if asked again. I dropped some home cooking around and can do that and help with shopping if necessary, but I can't give lifts. These are cruel times. AIBU? WWYD?

@sessell

Thanks for the helpful information *@hrh2020* *@ragwort* There is no family nearby *@tiny* but DC in the UK 2-3 hours drive away. *@sally872* neighbour has been quite social up to now, and has seemed oblivious to risks which is partly why I feel conflicted. I'm shocked hospital hasn't tested - as I said I know someone who had same symptoms who was very ill with Covid. I am not in high risk group but do not want to pass anything on to my own elderly relatives.

The risk is extremely low that you will have caught it even if she has it OP so I think you need to calm down.

If you are practising strict social distancing then you are not likely to pass it on to any of your own vulnerable relatives are you?

Personally in your shoes I would not be so hard hearted as to refuse to help my vulnerable neighbour - it would be different if you were shielding or in a high risk group yourself. You probably have more chance of getting the virus in Tesco!

Is there a particular reason your family would be especially vulnerable to coronavirus?

You don't have to be especially vulnerable to not want to actively put an infected person in your car.

I believe my daughter had it, it was over in under a week but it was terrible for her and she struggled to breathe and was terrified. Why would someone be expected to do that to their children because they probably won't die. MOst children won't die of chickenpox or flu but you would never deliberately expose yourself to either.

Really strange

frankly it is your decision op

Handwashing and a good wipe round the car as well and you are covered. As for 40 minutes in the car not sure I wld for a lift home - they need to find another way. Even if you did rush in mid emergency its about viral load not exposure and 40 mins in a car is without masks is way over timescales considered safe WITH a mask

I did something similar but I have already had the virus and recovered.
I do think elderly who are living alone, don't drive etc are being let down.
I spoke to an 85 year old lady I've known for years, she's very independant, catches busses, does her own shopping, cooking, cleaning and also the organizing of all sort on her retirement flats.
She was ill with symptoms, the doctors office sent her a home test kit, she was too unwell, dehydrated to do it herself, couldn't figure out the instructions, no wi-fi etc. Doctors office offered no help, told her to follow instructions.
I ended up booking her a drive through test and took her myself and did the swab too. My car got a good spray down inside and anywhere she touched with dettol aerosol and I changed and showered. No results as yet, but what the hell else can we do?
OP you did the right thing. I'm sure she is very grateful for your help.
It doesn't mean you will be asked to run her about for all sorts.

I wouldn’t take her as she might keep asking, I’d find a number of a reputable taxi company and call them if she needs a lift again.

@Itsnotahotel

We’ve had to tell family members we can’t help them out over last few weeks as I absolutely refuse to put myself or my family at any risk at all We’ve had MIL in hospital wanting lifts and my dm wanting lifts to chemist etc we’ve said no to every request as there are other family members they can ask

And what happens when the other family members take the same attitude as you? MIL walks?

Sorry but I find your attitude a tad selfish.

Op you did the right thing. The risk is probably low and you took the same precautions as a taxi driver would.

One day we'll all be old or vulnerable and a good neighbour would be a godsend.

YANBU
I think your concern is very reasonable.
I would also be worried that she hasn't taken social distancing very seriously.
She's putting you in a very uncomfortable position and I think you've got to cleverly get yourself out of this situation and help her to find an alternative solution.

You're very kind, I understand your fears too.
It's bloody awful for the elderly my NDN is late 80's extremely independent she had her hair done weekly, walked to the shops daily.
I saw her once at her door in April. I'm not sure she'll ever recover from the isolation and lack of movement.

I have an elderly mum who lives 30 mins away, and worrying about her/being her support while working FT and supporting dc homeschooling is tough. I just wouldn't have the spare time/headspace to take on an elderly ndn too.

I wouldn't leave a ndn vulnerable, but make contact with any services she needs to support her.

Also just because her family is distant doesn't mean they can abdicate responsibility to support their mum.

One day we'll all be old or vulnerable and a good neighbour would be a godsend

Yes, and if my elderly and fully isolated neighbour called me to say her leg hurt, I'd take her in a heartbeat - with masks etc, but mostly for her sake.

However if my other neighbour - over 70, lovely, but also socialising like OP's, called to say she was coughing blood, I would call the ambulance, stay on the phone with her to keep her company, call family and friends for her, but definitely NOT break the current lockdown rules in order to take her in. It would be vastly unfair to my family, when there are more properly equipped ambulances and patient transport available.

Please get tested and quarantine until you get the results. Especially don't visit anyone who might be vulnerable. The risk may be low, but do you really want to take that chance?

As several people have suggested, find out if there's a local support group that can help. They'll be in a much better position to assist her.

I would decline. And call an ambulance for her.

I suspect she would have had an X-ray and/or CT scan due to coughing up blood. COVID is seen on these and if there were no signs of it then they might have felt it totally unnecessary to do a test.

Get contact numbers for her DCs, call an ambulance to take her and immediately call her family afterwards to give them as much notice as possible so they can arrange between them to come down and pick her up from the hospital. It's incredibly unlikely that she'll be in and out within 2-3 hours from the time an ambulance is called so that should give them enough time.

A taxi would seem the obvious solution. As I understand it, you wouldn’t be allowed to accompany her into the hospital anyway?

I think if it were me I'd encourage her to send off for a test just in case...

You took reasonable precautions, which means that the risk will be minimal.
Not greater than going to the supermarket, for example.
Just make sure you disinfect the surfaces in your car, or where she touched, and wear a mask when driving, at least for a few days.

Do be careful if you are in contact with vulnerable people, but you should always be anyway, because you could have become infected at any time and be assymptomatic.
In fact, you could have been a greater risk to her than her to you, even socially distancing.