What's the right thing to do?

[nurserynurse97]

This is possibly the wrong header for this and if so I apologise. I would just like some advice.

Just a bit of background. I'm 23, live with my partner and he has two girls from previous relationship. V happy and treat the girls as my own and have done since I got with him at 19. Moved out family home at 18 and rented my own accommodation.

My Dad has never been the most consistent parent in the world, never used to answer his phone, let us down a lot (have two younger brothers) and in general wasn't the best. Also likes to drink which is the reason my mum left him.

When I got with my partner my family was very supportive despite the unusual circumstances but my Mum was very annoyed at the fact I spent a lot of time with him at his house and not my own considering the amount I was paying for it. My Mum then asked my Dad to have words. He obviously came to see me, arranged a visit in the local bar, got drunk. It was at this moment he took me outside and tried to tell me what I was doing wrong. At which point I pointed out he didn't have any right as he hardly knew the ins and outs and didn't contribute to very much. At which point he told me 'if I don't get my head out my arse, he'll kick it in' screaming match ensued and I've not seen him for almost 4 years.

Only contact we have had has been birthdays where he asks me to send bank details so he can send money or a group text to wish us happy Christmas. My stepdaughter has been through chemo for a serious form of cancer, we've nearly lost her. I've battled depression and anxiety and he know yet hasn't reached out.

I love him very much but feel he hasn't been 'Dad for a while now. I've been very lucky to have a stepdad in my life who has been truly amazing. I'm very close with my dads side of the family and although they understand, they would like to see us talk again.

I'm posting this as he text me last night, very out the blue to 'see if I had the same number and if I did, he hopes were all well'

I suppose what I'm asking for is some advice? What would you do? I find this extremely hard to deal with and it causes me so much upset.

AIBU to not want to reply?

You're not being at all unreasonable to not want to reply. You can ignore or, if you're up to it, block him.

I suppose ask yourself what relationship, if any, do you want moving forward.

Would you like to heal the rift? If so this might be the olive branch to help you move forward.
If you don't want to then you can just reply a very generic answer.

How do you know he knows all about your troubles if the 2 of you haven't been talking? And whilst money definitely isn't everything the fact he has passed on money had meant he was thinking of you during this time.

In the most morbid situation.....if he was to die tomorrow would you regret not trying again?

But if you do try again make sure you protect yourself as he might let you down again. So slowly slowly.

He’s an arse. Alcohol ruins everything. I hate the stuff when people don’t know how to stop.

I don’t see how it’s anyone else’s business where you spend your time. If you want to buy/rent a pad and stay at your bf’s pad what difference does it make. It’s your money. (Unless of course your mum or someone is paying for it in which case I see her point).

If you want to see your dad perhaps you could see him in the home of someone in ‘his side of the family’ whom you are close with AND whom he respects, like his parents or something.
That way there is no access to alcohol and his parents at will keep him in line if he kicks off at you. If you want them to see that you’re speaking to him occasionally they will see it.

One of these times he will genuinely want to make sure you’re ok. Once he’s not drunk and not having the cheek to tell you what to do. He’s made some bad choices. Who knows when that will stop and he will become a better person. But as another poster said, if you got a phone call just now to tell you he had been run over by a bus and killed, would you regret not trying to speak to him?

@Mumdiva99

I suppose ask yourself what relationship, if any, do you want moving forward.

Would you like to heal the rift? If so this might be the olive branch to help you move forward.
If you don't want to then you can just reply a very generic answer.

How do you know he knows all about your troubles if the 2 of you haven't been talking? And whilst money definitely isn't everything the fact he has passed on money had meant he was thinking of you during this time.

In the most morbid situation.....if he was to die tomorrow would you regret not trying again?

But if you do try again make sure you protect yourself as he might let you down again. So slowly slowly.

He's in contact with my Mum and brothers so she has told him. The money thing is tricky as he has my details and sends my mum money for the other two so I think it was just a way of trying to communicate. I never accepted the money after we stopped talking, if that makes a difference.

I often think this but I'm just terrified, even at my age, of being let down.