To date another shy man?

[Macnamara]

I am very extroverted and am very attracted to shy, quiet men.

However, after divorcing my ex husband (for reasons totally unrelated to his shyness) one of my favourite things about my new life is socialising without having to worry about whether he's enjoying himself and whether people are finding it hard to interact with him.

I was never able to fully relax around my friends and family when he was there because I knew he wasn't fully comfortable in the social setting, which made those around him uncomfortable too. The same could be said for previous men I've dated too.

I'm now dating another man who is absolutely wonderful, except that he is even more quiet and shy. He's also from overseas, so I'm adding language barrier and very different cultural references into the mix.

I'm wondering if I should steer away from getting into this situation again and aim to date a different kind of man.

I really care about him though and he has so many wonderful qualities.

There's a nagging at the back of my mind about the fact I never want to be back to where I was with my ex, in terms of never being able to relax at social events with him around.

Just curious - What is it about these shy men that appeals to you OP?

Fringe....that's a question for a very well qualified therapist!!! Who bloody knows!

The only thing that you can do is to stop feeling responsible for another adult. I don't like socialising (ASD) and the most annoying thing is previous partners and friends who think they've got to 'check up' on me.

Oddly enough I'm confident and the only reason why I haven't got on with shy men is that they are often insecure and want you to behave in a certain way. They start seeing 'badness', instead of just getting on with people.

Ponoka - that's really interesting.

Could you tell me what a partner can do that makes it easier for you to^ socialise^ without them checking up on you or talking for you?

(Excuse the odd formatting Ponoka - not sure what happened there).

OP do you have trust issues, ie an outgoing bf may be chatting up the barmaid or doing stuff behind your back with other women, so you don’t trust them anymore.

whereas a shy guy makes you feel like you’re special and has lots of time for you and would do anything for you, because (in their head) they won’t get a chance of a nice gf like you again so you’re their Princess.

Elieza...I've never thought about it. Maybe!

My DH sounds a lot like this guy, and I'm another extrovert drawn to quiet guys - partly because I have to work really hard at listening carefully, saying no to people, requests and social expectations and not jumping in to things, and so I admire people who have those characteristics more naturally, and partly because I find it restful to be able to be quiet and calm. Dh says he likes my energy and the fact I bring more new things to our life, it's a decent balance - and in private we speak about the same, it's just in public you could see the difference.

That said... Honestly, this new guy sounds like a stressful project. Is he quiet (thoughtful, self-sufficient, confident enough to leave a silence, able to enjoy his own company) or shy (anxious and primarily focussed on his own self and how people perceive him)? Because in my experience, some guys like this are looking for a crutch - and what's more, will then not always be respectful of your desire to be out or do things differently. I dated one guy who ended up feeling like a bit of a jailer, he never wanted to leave the house outside of work, and while he was fine for me to go without him.i ended up feeling lonely, or guilty, and having him there was stressful because he'd always be a bit annoyed by the cost, or not enjoy having to make small talk. If he's truly lovely, maybe take it a bit slow and see how things go socially first, before getting in too deep? And ask your friends what he's like to chat with, they might have a sense too...

Stuck - your response was so insightful, thank you. Actually he's definitely in the quiet category you described and not the shy category. I've never really considered them as two different things but that's really interesting perspective. Maybe he isn't actually shy at all.