Advice Needed

[GiraffeMomma]

Okay so this is toe-curlingly embarrassing for me to write but I really need some advice and it would be even worse for me to talk about IRL so here we go.

I had a baby 9 months ago. My first. I had a forceps delivery after 54 hours. The whole experience has left me with some continence issues (being addressed). My LO was the clingiest baby ever and even now is almost constantly on me or touching me. He didn't sleep till about 7 months. I was breastfeeding but stopped about a month ago.

My issue is this: I am totally not interested in sex. I had nausea and sickness throughout my entire pregnancy so wasn't interested then either and my husband has just made it very clear to me that 18 months without 'enthusiastic' sex isn't okay. We've done stuff since the baby arrived but between it being painful, me being conscious of leaking milk and pee, and being many stones overweight I don't really get into it and he obviously notices that and "it ruins it for him".

AIBU though? I'm tired. And touched out. And embarrassed of my body. And worried it's going to hurt. And then in pain. I don't want this to be a deal breaker for us but I'm worried it's going that way. What do I do?! Should I just push through it and hope it get better? Is it normal to feel like this?! And if it's not normal who do I talk to?! Please help, I'm miserable and worried for my marriage 😢

Don’t worry OP, after my second baby I didn’t feel up for sex for over 2.5 years.

We’ve only just started having regular sex again (son is almost 3) but it’s once a week maximum and even then it’s not like I’m particularly fussed.

Lack of sex drive post children is very common I think.

Yes, it's totally normal. Aside from all the tiredness and body stuff breastfeeding depresses libido. It's meant to, so you don't become pregnant again too soon.

Slight rant - your husband is being an ass but he and most people have been sold a bill of goods. All this stuff about loss of sex drive being mostly a myth for new parents - well, it isn't. It's common. And people being told they have to have sex regularly to be happy and healthy - that is stupid Freudian shit. No they don't, it can be frustrating but people ca live without it and be fulfilled, even permanently if that is how things play out.

However, it's very difficult for people to accept this, it's become a basic assumption for most.

There is a good chance that after weaning your hormones will return to normal and you'll be interested in sex again.

Your birth experience, on top of a horrible pregnancy sounds really traumatic OP; it’s also left you with physical symptoms.

Sex does not have to be the first thing you fix.

What would make you feel better about pregnancy/birth/exhaustion and yourself.

18 months without enthusiastic sex isnt ok? So if he had medical issues that meant he would piss himself infront of you (sorry I can't think of a nice way to say it) and it made his balls painful, you would be having a go at him because even if he was trying his best to make you happy? I think not. He has no empathy. At all. He thinks sex is his right. I don't know what else to say

@QueenofmyPrinces
That's a long time! And what was you OHs attitude to it?

@Goosefoot
Yes I thought hormones might be to blame too. I hope that now I've stopped breastfeeding they go back to the way they were. Totally makes sense about squashing libido so you don't get pregnant.... if only it did the same to men's hormones!

@SmileEachDay
I have no idea. I haven't really thought about it. Sleep! Losing a LOT of weight (which comes with its own difficulties cos I have a problem with my ankle so exercise is limited and I stress eat). My husband acting like his life has even slightly changed with the arrival of our baby so I don't feel like the only one who's world has been turned upside down?! In a good way, I love being a mum but constantly having to explain that life isn't how it was before is wearing.

@OoohTheStatsDontLie
Yes this is what I'm taking away from the situation unfortunately. I would never treat him like this if the tables were turned. It makes me wonder if it would be such a bad thing for him to jog on and find his enthusiastic sex elsewhere.

@QueenofmyPrinces - That's a long time! And what was you OHs attitude to it?

DH has been brilliant and not once did he say anything to make me feel guilty about it or make me feel that I was denying him something.

He knew I was generally shattered from long shifts at work and a baby that still woke 2-3 times a night, and that sex just wasn’t on my radar.

I have been breastfeeding for coming up 6.5 years straight (bar an 8 month gap between my two children) and so he understands that will cause a lack of libido too.

I’m making a real effort to change things now though but as I said, it’s usually only once a week and DH knows I still have reservations. I feel a bit self conscious of my body and I also find sex quite painful in some positions due to two c-sections but we are working through it and DH says we can take everything at my pace, that sex isn’t the be all and end all, and that we’ve got many, many, many years ahead of us to have a more active sex life and so there’s no rush

I’m very lucky to have someone so understanding so I’m sorry your DH isn’t quite so sympathetic. You deserve far better than his attitude

Hi OP. My baby is 11 months and me and my OH have not had sex since I fell pregnant. He is irritated and "sexually frustrated" so he says 🙄 he has even said he will have to Go elsewhere to get it if I don't want to have it.
I know he doesn't mean it. But he just doesn't understand what our bodies have to Go through.

I do have an older daughter and it was about a year after having her that things returned. I wouldn't be hard on yourself at all. Completely normal. He is just an arsehole, sorry

You are not being unreasonable at all

@QueenofmyPrinces That's such a good attitude for him to have. Although it's the attitude they all should have, it's not like he didn't see the damn thing come out of me 😅

@novacaneforthepain well I'm glad it's not just my other half. I can't believe he actually told you he'd go somewhere else. I'm not sure I could have my husband say that to me without me telling him he was more than welcome to and not to come back.

I have to say, I'm genuinely surprised by all these responses, I honestly thought everyone would tell me I was being unreasonable. Maybe I need to rethink my response to him when he brings it up again....

Sorry to post again but I have no one to talk to IRL about this.

We have just had another 'discussion' about it, to try to clear the air from the row we had about it when he was drunk on Friday night.

He has said as a married couple he expects that we should be having sex twice a week. I have explained (again) my issues and asked that maybe we could do other stuff but take sex off the table so that I don't panic and not enjoy being intimate as I'm worrying about sex and it hurting. He said this is an insult, and clearly not going to work. I don't know what else to do.

I'm so sad, and a little angry. I cook his meals, clean his clothes, raise his child and he's threatening divorce over sex?! I'll be the first to admit that sex has never been a major factor in my life/relationships but come on. He kept pointing out that it's been 18 months since we had sex properly.... but won't take on board that it's not a normal 18 months.

Part of me wants to tell him to fuck off then and we'll see how clever he feels when he's washing his own clothes, no tea on the table when he gets home, only sees his son on weekends and STILL isn't having sex cos he'd have to find someone. But then we've only been married 2 and a half years and how embarrassing to tell people.

Life is rubbish.

You've told him that PIV sex hurts so please can it be off the table for now, and he has said that's insulting? So he doesn't give a fuck whether it hurts you as long as he gets his orgasm? That is not good.

He wants to put you in pain, frighten you and also expects you to look like you are enjoying it?

Get rid of him, you are worth more.

Just to clarify, being intimate in other ways, foreplay etc is not enough and PIV is expected twice a week even though you've explained you're still in pain from issues from childbirth?

If this is the case I genuinely don't know how a relationship like this can continue.

@stressedhousebuyer Yes pretty much. I want to build up the intimacy so I'm comfortable with it and he says that's stupid and isn't going to work and I'm just saying that to put him off.

@nocoolnamesleft he makes it sound so much more reasonable when he says it. But yes essentially. I don't think he wants to hurt me but equally I don't think it would stop him, his rationale is that it'll only hurt the first few times then it'll get better. I've tried explaining I don't want to have sex when it's painful at all but that's unreasonable apparently.

@lunar1 I'm so mortified, if someone else was saying this I'd be saying what you are but it's so hard. I don't want this to be the end but the very fact he's acting like this is putting me off being intimate with him ironically. Splitting up seems like to big a thing to do, I'm in tears just thinking about it.

I would feel the same, but you don't need to be mortified.

It happens to lots of us, the man you love has turned out to be a nasty creep and is treating you horrifically. It can take a while to change our feelings even when everyone else can see it.

You are allowed to come to your own decisions in your own time, nobody here is in your exact situation.

Just know, that there are some lovely men out there and you deserve much better than this.

Seriously normal. Especially if you only quit bf 1 month ago.

When I am bf I basically dont really want it much. Can't be bothered, too tired and the drive just isnt there. I know from having my first tho, it does gradually improve. My DH is quite reasonable tho, doesnt push it, although that itself stresses me out a bit as I dont want him to be unhappy but not saying.

I don't think he wants to hurt me but equally I don't think it would stop him, his rationale is that it'll only hurt the first few times then it'll get better.

That is horrific. His behaviour is abhorrent. I feel physically sick reading the things he has been saying to you.

He is trying to coerce you into sex. That is not something you do to someone you love.

Getting yourself away from an abusive person is not something to be embarrassed about. People who care about you will want the best for you. Don't throw your whole life away - and your child's future away - because you're worried about what you imagine other people might momentarily think.

Maybe look at the Freedom Programme course because this is not normal.

The thought of your little baby growing up thinking it's normal to abuse and rape your partner or that you have to quietly accept being sexually abused to be "loved" is horrific.

First of all - he's a tit.

Secondly, next time he says he doesn't care that it will hurt you or that it's insulting saying "ok just to be clear, you are happy for me to be in pain so you can have sex? Just so we're in the same page"

If he continues to be a prize tit tell him that's fine and he can leave if he wants but if anyone asks why explain that you won't be lying about the reason and will have no problems telling both your friends and family that he is leaving you because you don't want sex after having your vagina savaged by forceps leaving you in pain and incontinent, that you're too tired from looking after his child single handedly whilst also doing all the cooking and cleaning.

He'll soon change his tune/see he's being unreasonable when he thinks you'll put him.

However, I couldn't stay with someone who cared so little about me. And you should LTB anyway quite honestly. Nothing for you to be embaresssd about - except him.

I'm sorry you're going through this. What a bell end!

This is so awful. I think you should call his bluff and tell him to fuck off. I think he would actually panic when he realises your not giving in to his threat.
(But do you even want to be with such a prick anyway?)