To want an affair but not a divorce?

[Thedeadcannon]

I can't stand my husband. He's so emotionally immature and abusive. I feel so trapped. We have 2 kids and been together ten years. I have an older child who comes to see me at weekends.
I have no family at all and no friends who I feel I can rely on. Everyone that knows us tells me I have the perfect man. How he's such a nice person.
I have no money of my own. I have spent so much time doing up our house I don't want to leave it. He's regularly left and came back again, except he's not done that for two years now which is a record. I rarely have sex with him because I don't like him. I try my best to tolerate him but usually and up giving him the fuck off sign behind his back when I'm not smiling at his face.
He says how I'm the best thing ever, until he has a bad day or the kids have annoyed him, then he'll storm home in the middle of days out and ignore me, if I try to stop him he threatens to cause a scene, which he has before and it's so embarrassing.
If I get upset about it he gets even more annoyed. The only way to fix the situation is for me to pacify him and act as though it was me who did something.
So I always end up saying, I'm sorry I reacted like that I was just upset you were annoyed....
If I do that and pretend then everything goes back to normal quickly.
I hate it because it's him!!!
When I met him I was a single mum and working just fine and I feel like over the ten years I've nothing.
No money, no friends, no job!!!
I think if I have an affair, will I be happier?
He'd never find out because he works so much and thinks I'm a faithful idiot. Don't start going on about lockdown, that won't last forever.
If I had a distraction on the side or a connection with someone, maybe I could tolerate him.
Without going on longer, it's a difficult situation right now to get a job myself and get childcare for two.

• And your children will pick up on it too. Serves me right for using voice recognition.

I can completely understand why you want to have an affair as a distraction from your situation but it won't change anything and could end up with you feeling worse off. Suppose you fell in love with the guy and then he let you down, as often seems to happen with affairs.

Surely you're better off working towards getting away from this guy. Why do you have to pay for the childcare, it should be a joint expense? I would think you going back to work would make you feel more independent, so you could ignore his tantrums.

My husband has had some of these traits. It was particularly bad when the children were small. Now I have my career, which is freelance, and when I stopped placating him if he stormed off, his behaviour has improved. I gave him an ultimatum not to do the storming off thing, that I would divorce him if he did it again. And I meant it.

I've also had therapy, which really helped with my self esteem. The worse thing you can be with this kind of man is dependent on them for anything: emotional support, money, friendship etc. So try and change those things: find friendship and support elsewhere. Even acquaintances you can go for coffee with. Don't turn down any invitation. Ask people if they fancy doing play dates, having coffee, doing an exercise class, whatever.

Please don't think this is it. Life can change for the better. Can you at least study online when the kids are in bed, maybe something that you could do from home, just to increase your employment prospects when the kids are older.

Good luck

Gosh this is a sad, sad way to live. One life and you're prepared to live it with a person you hate? You're (presumably) about halfway through your time on this earth, make the second half less miserable OP!

If you have an affair and get found out (they almost always do) then you will be the villain and your DC will end up hating you for it. If you're really "staying for the children" it's so not worth that risk.

I know it's never easy, but I hope you find the strength to leave

You don't need a brief escape from reality you need a real escape.
Life is to short for plodding along with unhappiness.
He sounds exhausting. Please ask him to leave the home if he refuses you leave.

Childcare is expensive but millions of lone parents manage it. I’m not sure about your statement that you don’t want to leave but he should. You are the one who is unhappy so make plans to get a job and work out your finances to secure a future for you and your children.

You say the kids are happy---but imagine them when they are adults and what they would say if they knew you were so unhappy but stayed just for them? They wouldn't want that for you.