To hate my life?

[wewillmeetagain]

I absolutely hate my life but don't know how to change things! I'm early 40's with 4 kids ranging from early 20's to teens! I have to live on benefits because youngest has SEN and makes it impossible to hold down a job for various reasons. I have very good family and friends and lots of help. However this is not how I saw my life ending up. I'm studying for a degree online but have no idea what I would like to do when I'm able to work. I was married to an abusive narcissist for years and gave up any hope of a career to bring up the kids. I have always wanted to move to Spain but with no career this seems impossible, also I have an elderly parent who I couldn't even think about leaving behind at this time in their life! I find myself becoming more and more bitter and unhappy about the way my life has turned out, I feel like a failure.

Sounds like you're on your way to brighter days - you are working on the degree, you'll have more child free time in the next few years, you've identified things you'd like to do in life. No stage lasts forever.

No condition is permanent Op. You are doing a great job
You have been looking after your children and have managed to start a degree.You are still young, so have many years ahead of you to achieve the things that you want.

Thankyou for your positive words. I really don't want to feel like this, it just seems like I'm wasting my life away. I'm not by nature a bitter, jealous person but I find myself feeling like this a lot lately.

It takes a long, long time to recover from narcissistic abuse, one reason being that your own identity is undermined on so many levels. You sound like you have some great qualities, strong friendships and family bonds - narcissists will never know the joy of such relationships. Take a step back and see that this is about you reconnecting with your true self and this takes time. It will all fall into place but you need to heal from your previous relationship; now is your time to be true to you.