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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is morally wrong?

93 replies

Banana0pancakes · 20/06/2020 12:51

So DH's biological father died 4 years ago. He was a waste of space and did nothing but cause upset while he was alive.

Dh and I went to the funeral with DH's half brother to put the past to rest and support dh half brother.

At the wake dh met family he had never met before because of the loss of contact growing up, though dh half brother had always been close to this side of the family.

Dh grandfather died last year, dh had become close in the last 4 years after the funeral reconciled them.

We have had the will reading and went along. Dh was not mentioned in the will at all despite it being made in 2017.

Dh brother was left 1000.

Every other grandchild was named and left 2000.

DH's biological father was removed from the will and his third of the estate was given to the two remaining children of the grandfather. There is also a clause in the will that states should his children die - the two it is now shared between- their portion should be given to their own offspring.

So am I right in feeling this is immoral? They've removed dh father line completely out the equation, treated dh half brother differently to the other 4 grandkids and totally pretended dh doesnt exist.

I'm so sad for him. If he had received a split of his fathers share it would equate to 15k which would be lovely but not massively life changing, so it's not about the money. It's a about feeling like he's been shit on again.

We're not going to contest it, I just want to know if I'm being overly emotional or if this is actually a shit thing to do?

OP posts:

Zilla1 · 20/06/2020 17:27

Lyra,

Let's hope if the deceased in is England that the two brothers agree to a variation to redress the imbalances after your relative's MIL passes.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/06/2020 17:29

@Zilla1

Lyra,

Let's hope if the deceased in is England that the two brothers agree to a variation to redress the imbalances after your relative's MIL passes.

I agree. It's only fair if they feel that way.

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/06/2020 17:32

I have seen some wills over the years that would make even the most cynical raise an eyebrow.

Either people don’t really see the mess their bequests will create or they do it on purpose to stir up trouble.

I have seen more than one family split up over a parent leaving everything to one child and cutting off the other children even though it is the other children who have put their lives on hold to look after the parent.

I have seen whole families cut out of wills and everything left to “friends” the parent had only known for a few months before making the will and then suddenly dying

France I think has the right idea that you cannot cut your children out of your will.

It would save a lot of heart ache if they changed the rules

SchadenfreudePersonified · 20/06/2020 17:37

I think it is shitty that he wasn’t included in the token amounts to grandchildren though. Also pretty shitty that the half brother got half the amount of the other grandchildren?!!

I agree with this - I think it was cruel thing to do, especially to your husband who has been totally ignored.

As you say, the sums of money involved are not life-changing - but to have been acknowledged as part of the family would have been priceless. I'm not surprised that your DH is feeling so hurt- especially when it seemed that he had once more found the family that he had lost.

However, maybe the grandfather was much closer to the others, or felt that financially speaking they needed the money more. When push comes to shove, it was his money to give away and no-one else's.

But I agree with you that it was very unkind.

Your DH will now have to decide whether this means that he feels he is no longer part of the family again. Please remember though, that the recipients of the money aren't the ones that have done this, though - the grandfather is.

But it is a real slap in the face.

I would be hurt, too

Pebblexox · 20/06/2020 17:39

Honestly. Yabu.
I understand why you'd be upset about this, however nobody is entitled to any money left by relatives, it's their choice if they want to hand money out.
Your dh didn't have the same relationship as some of the other family members, so should just be grateful he was left anything.

redwoodmazza · 20/06/2020 17:45

I was really pissed off at the funeral of my FIL that the service referred to his 7 grandchildren. One of these is actually NO RELATION to him at all. It's the son of my DH's ex-wife and her new husband!!!
I wouldn't have minded had my DS [one of the 6 grandchildren] ever been treated the same way as the others. But as he wasn't, this really rankled.
Then my MIL died - only last month. The Order of Service referred to her 7 grandchildren too!!!
Mind you, the Will refers to the 6 grandchildren by name - and this other one isn't mentioned!!! I am waiting for the fall-out...

lyralalala · 20/06/2020 17:48

@Zilla1

Lyra,

Let's hope if the deceased in is England that the two brothers agree to a variation to redress the imbalances after your relative's MIL passes.

The sister has said she wouldn't feel comfortable with that given her son is getting a large share. She feels it would be her family unit taking more from her nieces.

I think they're all hoping that the MIL will be around until the Grandson is an adult and he also agrees to a variation. They can't have a variation including his share while he's a child as it wouldn't be in his best interests

lyralalala · 20/06/2020 17:50

@redwoodmazza

I was really pissed off at the funeral of my FIL that the service referred to his 7 grandchildren. One of these is actually NO RELATION to him at all. It's the son of my DH's ex-wife and her new husband!!! I wouldn't have minded had my DS [one of the 6 grandchildren] ever been treated the same way as the others. But as he wasn't, this really rankled. Then my MIL died - only last month. The Order of Service referred to her 7 grandchildren too!!! Mind you, the Will refers to the 6 grandchildren by name - and this other one isn't mentioned!!! I am waiting for the fall-out...

Do they know the child?

My DH's first MIL (he was widowed when we met) considers our children, two of which are actually just mine, as her grandchildren.

If your PIL considered the child as grandchildren then where's the harm? It sounds like they've stuck to their biological grandchidlren in their will.

Honeyroar · 20/06/2020 18:13

I think it’s sad that your husband didn’t get a mention or a token amount, but I think it’s morally wrong to think you can waltz back shortly before someone dies and expect an equal slice of money. My brother will do this when my parents die. He hasn’t rung either of them once during lockdown to see how they are or whether they need anything (both live alone, are 80 and shielding). Yet he’ll be here like a shot when he thinks he’s getting money.

rivertoskateaway · 20/06/2020 18:19

I can see where you are coming from. My grandmother died with a large estate, her will originally was split two ways between her two children. Her son (my father) sadly died before her, leaving me and my brother when we were only 14 and 17. When my grandmother died, the estate all went to her daughter (my aunt). My aunt has been able to pay for my cousins through Uni and with deposits for houses, while my brother and myself got nothing. I know it was completely up to my Grandmother, but it does sting when I was far closer to her than any of my cousins.

Coyoacan · 20/06/2020 18:36

Whatever the reason your dh didn't see that side of the family before his father's death could well have been felt as hurtful and his responsability by his grandfather. I know my dd has a half-sister has always stayed right away from her father's family and her grandmother was extremely hurt by this. Not the same as none of the grandchildren were in the will, but it is very hard for most grandparents not to have contact with their grandchildren.

dontdisturbmenow · 20/06/2020 18:52

dh had become close in the last 4 years after the funeral reconciled them
I just noted your choice of word 'reconcile'.

So it sounds it wasn't just an issue of getting together after previous years of conflict?

I think it's not your oh that should be upset but his half brother if indeed he had always been closed to his grandfather.

Euclid · 20/06/2020 19:14

@rivertoskateaway Your GM's Will was really unfair. I am a Probate solicitor and have been making wills for longer than I care to remember! In my experience most parents divide the estate of the surviving spouse between their children with the children of a predeceased child receiving their deceased's parent's share, which in your GM's circumstances would have meant that your aunt would receive half and you and your brother would each receive a quarter. Her Will was definitely morally wrong.
As for a formal will reading, I have never come across this in my many years of practice. In my experience this happens only in Agatha Christie books and such like.

rivertoskateaway · 20/06/2020 19:36

@Euclid thanks for your reply! She was the loveliest lady so I don’t think there was any malice there, I think she hadn’t really thought it through, or maybe she thought that my aunt would provide for us too. She’s always been quite tight with money however, we used to get socks every Christmas which rubbed salt in the wound!

Reedshoes · 21/06/2020 10:44

@rivertoskateaway

This happened in my family too and it was so sad. The estate of Grandma (G) was earmarked between 3 adult children upon her death, but one of them died before G.

So it went between the 2 adult children. It was really sad because like you, the children of the 3rd adult got left nothing. Obviously losing a parent is hard enough and the financial difficulties are often worse for those children. No mam to help with uni cost etc or deposit for a house. Things that are often taken for granted.

Probably the worst part of it was that 1 of the 2 beneficiaries was late 60’s and didn’t have a mortgage but paid rent. So all that was going to happen was the the government would stop all help ie pension credits and the like (and rightly so as the woman had just inherited about £100,000) so it would have dribbled away paying her living costs and care costs if she goes in to a home. She didn’t work, she didn’t drive so it wouldn’t have changed her life in any great way. She also had a son who never bothered with her. She was left in her own at Christmas etc and he was already loaded so he’ll get it when she dies.

If only the Grandma has thought about it properly, where the money would have been more beneficial then I think she would have reconsidered. It wasn’t done in malice, I just don’t think she thought it through which was a shame.

That was about 10 back now and we often still say how sad that was for the children of the 3rd adult and how it would have made more of an impact for them rather than the other woman.

Reedshoes · 21/06/2020 10:47

I suppose it’s like watching a millionaire win the lottery. I’d think what a shame I’d rather see someone with nothing win it.... because it would be the most beneficial and make the biggest difference

AskingforaBaskin · 21/06/2020 10:50

So your DH made no effort apart from the last 4 years?
He was an adult from the age of 18. He could've had an independent relationship with his GF and exclude his father. He chose not to.

NameChangerSpaceRanger · 21/06/2020 11:57

My DP lost his father very young. Apparently his GF's will leaves half his estate to the surviving sister (DPs aunt), 1/4 to DP, and 1/4 to his cousin.

I can't get my head round that, personally. It seems very poorly thought out and unfair.

BUT, is it worth questioning and causing distress to the wider family? Absolutely not. We aren't counting on receiving anything and its best never to do so, GF could still end up in a home and have nothing to leave anyway.

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