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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if daughter can go to grandparents with her father

29 replies

Evasmummy2019 · 20/06/2020 10:44

My daughter is 6 months old now and last month I separated from her father. I am living in the family home with my daughter and he is staying with his parents until we can rearrange living arrangements and or sell the house. He comes here to visit her for a few hours (not as often as I'd expected) and keeps saying his mum doesn't want to have her over there incase of her and her husband catching the virus. We have been staying home and only going out for shopping or walks and only recently I bubbled up with my dad who is 58 and single /lives alone. He's been staying in and I've been doing his shopping once a week. So it's only me, husband, my dad that sees our dd . Am I being unreasonable to be upset that she won't let my daughter go over there for a night each weekend. I'd be happy for her to stay all weekend. It would mean I can have a break and my husbands parents will be seeing their grandbaby. They have been seeing her in their garden on Sundays if the weather is nice. Social distancing being followed. I've not always gotten along with MIL and I feel she's just being difficult so I realise how hard being a single parent is and take my husband back. My in laws are 69 and 70 and in good health.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 20/06/2020 10:50

I think they are being over cautious but you can't "make them" take her overnight In their house, can you stay at your dads and your ex can stay at yours over night so you get a break?

LockdownBlues · 20/06/2020 11:09

You want your 69/70 year old PIL to suddenly start looking after a 6 month old baby one night a week?

Even in normal times this would be unreasonable.

PatriciaHolm · 20/06/2020 11:11

I'm assuming OP would like the childs father to look after the child once a week...

How soon do you think he will have his own place? Or is he too comfy at mum and dads....

Mrsjayy · 20/06/2020 11:12

I think she wants the baby's dad to have her but the grandparents don't want to let the baby in the house due to covid.

Andwoooshtheyweregone · 20/06/2020 11:14

YABU seeing a grand baby one afternoon a week is completely normal I think. They don’t want to do the hard parenting that it takes to look after a 6 month old baby. I agree with them, they’ve raised their children. Your husband needs to step up and either find other accommodation so he can have his daughter. It’s not fair to blame your PILs. They also have the right to be cautious with this virus.

HappyintheHills · 20/06/2020 11:18

The PIL wouldn’t be doing the hard parenting- they would be enabling their DS to do a little bit of the hard parenting that they are currently letting him leave with their DIL

LockdownBlues · 20/06/2020 11:21

Ah sorry, my misunderstanding OP.

So you want the baby's father to have her overnight one night a week, but PIL won't allow it. This is your ex's problem to fix. He needs to find a way to have contact with his daughter - either he finds his own place to live, or, as PP suggested, you go and stay with your Dad while he stays at yours.

It's early days in your separation, people will all still be readjusting. YOu'll find a way, but don't expect it to be instant.

Pissflapflip · 20/06/2020 11:21

Yanbu. Children of seperated parents are allowed to move freely between parents home and that is currently his. He should be taking her.

TinyPigeon · 20/06/2020 11:24

Your ex needs to sort his own place out if he can't have your daughter there. I would stop facilitating contact at your house- this speeds him on.

SoloMummy · 20/06/2020 11:36

I think that in this instance they're being entirely reasonable.

If it is to show you the reality, we'll now you know. Has it changed your mind? Would it if you don't get a break?

AskingforaBaskin · 20/06/2020 13:19

Unfortunately whatever the rights or wrong you hold no power here.
It doesn't matter if 1000 people agree with you. Nothing will change without their say so.
It's unfortunate.
The only thing you can do is sort out the house ASAP so your Ex can get his own place.
It must be exhausting. Just keep going.

Andwoooshtheyweregone · 20/06/2020 14:16

Just had a thought could he just be using his parents saying no as an excuse?

Original poster
Evasmummy2019 · 20/06/2020 15:08

Thank you for your replies everyone. What I want is for my dd to go to her dad one night a week. He will be caring for her. But I do understand we are still in lockdown so this may not be able to happen. I won't restrict access or not facilitate the visits

OP posts:
Original poster
Evasmummy2019 · 21/06/2020 09:58

@Andwoooshtheyweregone Yes. Things got pretty nasty yesterday and he's upset that I'm staying here with baby and he's at his parents. I siad he's not staying round here on the weekend they'll have to have her over there

OP posts:
Dominicgoings · 21/06/2020 10:01

Does he WANT to have overnight contact?

GarlicMonkey · 21/06/2020 10:20

"Dominicgoings

Does he WANT to have overnight contact?"

My thoughts exactly. Not every separated parent wants to have their children overnight or regular contact. I was left full time with mine. Their father & his family have never bothered with them. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like yours is bothered either OP. If he was he'd have found a way. I think you need to prepare yourself for the prospect that you'll be a lone parent, not a Co parent. Sorry.

sirfredfredgeorge · 21/06/2020 10:20

I siad he's not staying round here on the weekend they'll have to have her over there

I'm afraid given the household not allowing that, your only option until your ex DP has his own property is for your child to remain in the family home and you to go elsewhere when he is caring for her. Does your DF not have space?

Ponoka7 · 21/06/2020 10:26

I think he wants to stay in yours. You don't know where this is coming from, or if your MIL has said anything.

I voted YUBU, because I understand the fear that a lot of older people have. I found i worried about things more just being post menopausal, you do feel more vulnerable.

The risk isn't really tbere, but you have to respect a person's wishes for what they want to happen in their own home. Just like you want your wishes respected.

I've found that it's usually older women who are expected to lose all autonomy, which is out of order.

AskingforaBaskin · 21/06/2020 10:31

I siad he's not staying round here on the weekend they'll have to have her over there

You do need to be careful. By the sounds of it it is his house just as much as yours. So he's only not there by his will.
If he decides he can stay there.

Angelonia · 21/06/2020 10:34

YANBU to expect her Dad to step up and increase contact time. But his parents have the right to allow whoever they want into their home. He needs to find an alternative solution if they continue to refuse.

Looneytune253 · 21/06/2020 10:40

Yanbu to expect dad to have contact time. Yabu to expect the grandparents to let them in the house. It's technically allowed but if they don't want to risk it then that's their decision to make.

Original poster
Evasmummy2019 · 21/06/2020 13:17

So he was not very nice to me and that's why I won't have him here overnight with her while I leave the house to stay elesewhere. My df has only a tiny one bed bungalow too. I wanted her to spend as much time with her dad especially today. And after yesterday he completely ripped me to shreds verbally in front of our daughter and refused to leave so im quite upset with him. I would never stop her seeing her dad though. But yes mil is being awkward and sso is ex DH because he wants to stay here with her on the weekends

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 21/06/2020 13:26

Your baby is so young she needs to feel safe I think you need a proper access arrangement in place he sounds stressful to deal with and you trying to make it on your own isn't working for you and your baby,

AskingforaBaskin · 21/06/2020 13:41

Is he on the dress/mortgage?

AskingforaBaskin · 21/06/2020 13:41

Deeds!!

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