Dc never gets time with his gran

[bottleofvodka]

Aibu unreasonable with this? I know ye will tell it to me straight if I am.

My dh is one of many siblings. Mil and fil are divorced. Mil relies on her children and grandchildren for emotional needs. She has to be needed by them. She also has to always be in war against someone and hating someone. For years it was fil and turned all kids against him. It really was awful what she did. Dh in recent years has seen thinga differently and realises that the affairs fil had over the years was nothing to do with them as kids. But mil dragged them all into it, getting them to spy on him and follow him if he went into town and report back. Rest of the family seem to spend their time trying to make her happy..

Dh and I are the only ones who live far away. Has always been an issue as I have taken her son away from where they live in her eyes and I've seen through the bs. I don't believe in slating Dh constantly and don't get involved when she rants about how horrible he was to her. None of my business. My bil was never a fan of mine either. But she hates me now. She is nice as pie to my face but I know she rips me to shreds behind my back. They all do. The rest of his siblings all live in the same small village. They have no boundaries and everyone loves to give their opinions and be overly involved in each others lives. It drives me mad. They ask really personal questions and have no common sense at times. We visit about every 2 months as it's 2.5 hours away.

So lately it's really bothering me that mil has never bothered with dc. She knows nothing about dc, interests, likes etc Whenever we visit she invites everyone to her house. So all the children, grandchildren are there and all the dogs and dc never gets a look in. She'll cook all the food her other grand children like, and make a big deal about it. Dc doesn't get gifts like other children do. She just acts like dc isn't there. Im really fed up with it all now, I am so annoyed everytime I go there. Im civil, I keep the peace and I'm polite. Even though I know they all slate me. Dc is still young enough not to notice a lot of the inequalities between them and cousins but it's only a matter of time before he does and I don't think it's healthy to expose him to that.. I know she can have whoever she wants in her home but she doesn't seem to want to have any relationship with dc and she does with her other grandchildren. It breaks my heart. We've tried to organise seeing Dh siblings outside of mil house but it never works.. They all come to mil house anyway.

Aibu to cut contact even more? I want to hear opinions before I discuss with Dh. He hates it that whenever we go visit all the rest of the extended family pile into her small house, which is filthy and filled with clutter... Dogs and all and dc doesn't get any attention. Mil makes no effort with us at all. Doesn't show any interest in our lives. When we are visiting she barely acknowledges dc but will hug all other grandchildren and talk to them. Nothing for dc. There has been loads of incidents where she has excluded us or shown no respect towards us. I know Dh would never want to cut contact completely, but will never address the issue with her. I agree it's her house she can have whoever she wants over. Similarly it's her money to spend on gifts as she pleases. But at the same time I don't want dc to feel less loved by her. It's breaking my heart.

Why would you want your dc to have a relationship with her if she's that much of a bampot? Surely it's better for you that she isn't interested? I feel for your kid but she doesn't sound like someone I'd want in my kids life.

@missrks

Why would you want your dc to have a relationship with her if she's that much of a bampot? Surely it's better for you that she isn't interested? I feel for your kid but she doesn't sound like someone I'd want in my kids life.

Because Dh won't cut her out of his life. Fil didn't have any relationship with his family and he's so keen for that not to happen. So the only option I have is to try improve the relationship. Or try convince dh to cut contact. His siblings would never speak to him again if he cut mil out too and he's afraid of that.

Tbh I've brought this up with dh over the years.. Before dc was here where they were horrible to me, left me out of girly days and used to ignore me when I went to visit. Instead talking all day about local gossip. I made an effort to get involved in their conversations for a while but it never worked.

Let him take dc himself. Maybe faced head on he won't keep excusing his dm's behaviour...
She sounds hideous btw...
You can plan something special for ds to show how important you think he is.

It sound like everyone is invited because you're all there.
You have opted to be 2. 5 miles away so it's absolutely inevitable that she has a closer relationship with the others and it sounds as though they're also older which means the relationship is easier.
If you want her to have a similar relationship then you need to make more efforts. Invite her to your in the interim and possibly increase the frequency of visiting.
Yabu to even begin to plant the seed in your ohs mind as that to me sounds manipulative and self serving.

I would not let my children feel like they were less than ever. Any hint of favouritism then we just wouldn’t visit. That would be a deal breaker for me, I’ve been in that situation with a grandparent and it was really hurtful. Your husband needs to stand up for his kid rather than pander to his nasty mother

@SoloMummy

It sound like everyone is invited because you're all there. You have opted to be 2. 5 miles away so it's absolutely inevitable that she has a closer relationship with the others and it sounds as though they're also older which means the relationship is easier. If you want her to have a similar relationship then you need to make more efforts. Invite her to your in the interim and possibly increase the frequency of visiting. Yabu to even begin to plant the seed in your ohs mind as that to me sounds manipulative and self serving.

Other grandchildren are around the same age as dc. Some are older and some are younger. Either way it's the same.

We have tried over the years to make more of an effort. We have invited mil to our home several times, we've invited her on holidays with us (she goes with her other children). She refused everytime. We used to go visit every 2 weeks when we lived a little closer. We have always made an effort, before dc came along. Doesn't seem to make a difference.

I said nothing for years until it all came to a head before our wedding. I kept my mouth shut and when we were planning a mini get together for our families before the wedding, she told us she couldn't come. Dh had told her the date weeks before, it was really important to him, we were finalising our guest list and going through a few bits with our parents and bridal party. She said she was going to be able to make it. We had booked a lovely restaurant for afterwards. The day before mil told dh that she couldn't come as she was babysitting her grandchild instead that night so my bil could go to the cinema to see some movie he wanted to see. Dh lost it that night, I had never seen him so upset before then. He felt completely let down by her and second best to his sibling again. We talked all that night and I told him how unwelcome I had felt over the years. He always felt less important that his siblings too.

I'm not planting any seeds in my dh head. But we are a strong couple and we are a united team. To be honest if I could have my wish, it would be that she treats dc and dh the same way she treats the rest of her family.

@Shinygreenelephant

I would not let my children feel like they were less than ever. Any hint of favouritism then we just wouldn’t visit. That would be a deal breaker for me, I’ve been in that situation with a grandparent and it was really hurtful. Your husband needs to stand up for his kid rather than pander to his nasty mother

Thank you for your reply. That's similar to my way of thinking. My husband won't say anything. He wants to keep the peace. She isn't the type to have a reasonable discussion with anyway. Dh has approached her about something before, it was years ago and was something small and trivial. She just agreed with him, no discussion on the issue and then slated him to his brothers and the issue was never resolved.. I wish I could remember what it was.

Let DH take him on their own. When he's solely responsible for D.C. he'll be hyper aware of all the slights and insults. Stop facilitating him ignoring it.

2 Questions:

Where are you that this has suddenly come to a head? No one is visiting anyone monthly, at the moment, in the UK.

Given how awful and flaky she is, wouldn't it be easier for everyone if you thought, buggerit, I don't even want to try and maintain a close relationship with her?

I don’t get this - why dies your DH have to cut her out if your DS doesn’t get time with her?

If your description is correct I’d be happy your DS is away from such a poisonous family and I’d leave your DH to get on with it alone.

@Windyatthebeach

Let him take dc himself. Maybe faced head on he won't keep excusing his dm's behaviour... She sounds hideous btw... You can plan something special for ds to show how important you think he is.

He brought him to visit before lockdown by himself, I was recovering from surgery and couldn't go. The same thing happened again. It happens everytime. We lost our unborn child last year (stillbirth) and we went to visit a two weeks later to get out of the house. When we got there, she had invited extended family around for a bbq. We arrived and there was music playing in the garden. She told us a dozen of her extended family would be there, as well as dh siblings and children. As they started to arrive I got more and more overwhelmed. I left the house and parked down the street. Dh came to find me after a while and we decided to go home. It was cruel to plan a bbq like that so soon after our loss. It was after that incident our visits decreased dramatically.

@Merryoldgoat

I don’t get this - why dies your DH have to cut her out if your DS doesn’t get time with her?

If your description is correct I’d be happy your DS is away from such a poisonous family and I’d leave your DH to get on with it alone.

Dh doesn't have to cut contact with mil. But he needs to be in agreement to cut dc contact with mil.. If dh wants to go visit its his own decision and I will respect that completely. Sorry maybe I didn't word it properly in my previous post x

@PickAChew

2 Questions:

Where are you that this has suddenly come to a head? No one is visiting anyone monthly, at the moment, in the UK.

Given how awful and flaky she is, wouldn't it be easier for everyone if you thought, buggerit, I don't even want to try and maintain a close relationship with her?

I'm not in the UK. Restrictions have been lifted here so discussion came up about visiting family. It was so much easier when I couldn't go.

Yea for me it would be great. But I know dh wouldn't cut his ties with her, he has reduced visits after the bbq incident but won't cut her out. Similarly, I don't know how I could cut dc out of mil life without dh being on board.

Ah, I see OP - so he still wants to facilitate a relationship between your DS and his mum?

I would be very reluctant for him to take him to visit - does your DH acknowledge that his mother treats DS poorly/unfavourably?

@Merryoldgoat

Ah, I see OP - so he still wants to facilitate a relationship between your DS and his mum?

I would be very reluctant for him to take him to visit - does your DH acknowledge that his mother treats DS poorly/unfavourably?

He does but won't do anything to address the issue, its just "the way it is". I think he's afraid to address it incase she turns into a victim and all the rest of his siblings turn on him. He also thinks because we live so far away that the impact on dc will be minimal.

There has been a bit of a change recently. Sil has met a really nice guy, seems genuinely lovely and is talking about moving in with him, about 90 minutes from "the village". Suddenly all the rest of them hate him, he isn't good enough for her etc. I've never seen her so happy. They seem so good together. Dh tried to press the issue further to see if there was a reason they all suddenly disliked him but they couldn't find anything. His only "crime" seems to be he doesn't have as good a job as her!

The more I write about it, the more I realise how messed up they all are.

YANBU at all. We have a similar situation with our dc and ils, we started reducing visits as our dc got older and started to notice. My dh got a bit defensive at first when I pointed it out to him, saying that it was natural that they were closer to the cousins because they lived closer so saw them more often, but then once I'd said it he couldn't help but notice it too.

My dc barely remember they have other gps anymore, but they are lucky that my parents are awesome gps so at least they have them. Luckily also we get to see his dbro and wife regularly and get on well with them. Dh still speaks to his dm on the phone occasionally but I can't remember the last time I even saw them.

In my experience of that as a child though, where my cousins saw my gps more than me and my dsis as they lived closer than we did meant that when we did see our gps they spoilt us more because they didn't get to see us very often.

Very sorry for your loss

Maybe try and get dh to open up about how she has made him feel over the years.. Say you want - and intend - to protect your ds from ever feeling like that.. He can visit alone but you are not offering up your precious ds to be emotionally abused..
And mean it.