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Original poster

Do I get partner a Father’s Day present ?

51 replies

Amixedbunch · 18/06/2020 15:10

Advice please ! I have a nearly 3 year old daughter I am separated from her dad but we get on very well she sees him regularly etc. I now live with my current partner and have done for 6 months obviously he has a lot of involvement with DD and a strong bond but we are not married ... should I get new partner something small as a nod to Father’s Day or is that weird ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Amixedbunch · 18/06/2020 15:35

@Longdaysandnights yeah see this is whah I was thinking , he does a lot for her and his life has changed massively so I wanted to show some appreciation by a small gift she won’t even realised what’s going on

OP posts:
2007Millie · 18/06/2020 15:35

How long has he been with you/in your daughters life?
You say lived together for 6 months, but potentially you've been together much longer and he has acted a father figure

Smallsteps88 · 18/06/2020 15:38

I think it’s fine for you to tell him you appreciate what he does for DD but I don’t think it’s ok to encourage DD to put him on the same level as her actual father. He’s been a part of her life for 6 months. If it was 6 years I’d think differently but not at 6 months.

FishAreAcquaintancesNotFood · 18/06/2020 15:39

Yes, but it's not for the OP to encourage her daughter to make this acknowledgement.

There's nothing wrong with the OP just saying to her partner, "I know you aren't dd's dad but as it's Father's Day and you've done so much for her I wanted to let you know I really appreciate it. She could write a card or a letter, but it shouldn't be from DD.

I hate to point out that while the OP's ex will always be dd's dad if the OP broke up with her partner today they may well never see each other again. Pushing the DD to see him as another father puts her at risk of being hurt.

FishAreAcquaintancesNotFood · 18/06/2020 15:40

Like another poster said I understand showing gratitude but I can't see why it should happen on Father's Day specifically.

MahMahMahMahCorona · 18/06/2020 15:43

I think she's a bit young at three, and would be more of a statement of love and thanks from you - which I can understand -
but perhaps do on another day? My DC10 & DC8 chose gifts (online delivery) for their DF to take him this weekend; they then asked if they could also choose gifts, and added step-father cards for my DP which they will give when they get home on Sunday. They haven't done this before and we've been together 3 years.

Me and their father separated several years ago and are divorced - whilst I have no interest in him / his life, I believe it is correct for my DC to at least mark the occasion.

You can see who they prefer by the gifts they've chosen..... Wink

Love51 · 18/06/2020 15:43

I do think any guy who has been in the life of a 3 year old for 6 years would definitely deserve acknowledgement. Grin

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/06/2020 15:44

OP, I’m a step mum and while my DSC are old enough now to choose for themselves to give me a card or a gift for Mother’s Day and my birthday, it’s the appreciation from my husband that means the most. I turned my life on its head for him because I didn’t know them at the time. I support him in his parenting, I’ve helped make a home that all the DC benefit from, I help plan holidays, keep them fed, clean, homework done etc. I primarily do it for him and he shows his thanks throughout the year. Being a step parent isn’t easy and it’s the little things from your partner/spouse which remind you it’s worth it. Big gestures have their place but it’s the cups of tea, “thanks for making an effort”s that get you through Smile

Original poster
Amixedbunch · 18/06/2020 15:47

This is the thing I am not going to be forcing dd to make a card or say happy Father’s Day to him , it will be something from me to say thanks for whah you have done so far with regards to dd

OP posts:
Original poster
Amixedbunch · 18/06/2020 15:48

@AnneLovesGilbert thanks I will consider that it’s good to hear from another perspective

OP posts:
Curious78 · 18/06/2020 15:49

Hi OP, I personally would not buy anything for your partner with her in mind given her dad is fully active in her life. She will want to shower your partner with home made things along the way anyway which will go down just as well Flowers

Smallsteps88 · 18/06/2020 15:53

@Love51

I do think any guy who has been in the life of a 3 year old for 6 years would definitely deserve acknowledgement. Grin
Grin excellent point!
crazychemist · 18/06/2020 15:55

6 months is not all that long, and she has an active involvement with her DDad. I'd say not this year. Next year she will understand more and been involved with him for longer.

Why not just get him a nice little something from you to give in private as a thank you for the parenting support he provides? Just a little token to show you appreciate him

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/06/2020 15:56

I’m sure he’s very fond of your daughter and values their relationship. I love my step kids very much. But we’re only in each other’s lives because we all adore their father. I have no relationship with his ex or his family so if he dropped dead tomorrow I’d probably never see them again, despite us having been married years and having a child together. He was seriously ill last year and it hit me like a bus how dependent on him being here my relationship with them is. It’s not something I dwell on and this is veering way off what you asked! But it’s true. My family is him and our daughter and him, our daughter and my step children. Life is complicated, if largely happy, and my step kids have brought much to my life, but our marriage is what makes it possible and I’m fortunate that my DH shows he values me as a wife, mum and stepmum. The kids value me as a parental figure too and that’s a bonus. But even if that weren’t the case it’s him I do it for.

namechangetheworld · 18/06/2020 15:58

I was all prepared to say you were being hugely unreasonable, but actually your idea of a photo of the two of them is very sweet. I imagine he's quite involved in parenting her? A card saying 'Happy Father's Day' would obviously be innapropriate but you know that already.

pilates · 18/06/2020 16:02

No. You can make a fuss of him on his birthday.

mrsmummy111 · 18/06/2020 16:09

I think it’s a bit sad that so many people are having quite strong reactions about this. No, he’s not her father but he is a “father figure” of sorts by the sounds of what OP has said, and has a large presence in DD’s life. I don’t think it’s SO AWFUL as an idea, maybe just a little misplaced. I don’t even think it needs to be from DD, but maybe a card from you as a “thank you for everything you do for both of us” isn’t inappropriate. He is acting as a father figure in many ways around the house, and just because she has a great relationship with her biological father doesn’t mean that you are not allowed to acknowledge DP and his input on Father’s Day.

Dillydallyingthrough · 18/06/2020 16:30

I think it's nice to appreciate people who spend a lot of time with your DC. My DD gives my dad (her DGF) and my DP a card (plain or something like 'thank you') on fathers day of her own choice. I know that's unpopular on MN as this thread shows but both are father figures to her. My ex also used to give his fiancee a mother's day card from DD which never bothered me. I give a mothers day card to my mom, aunt and my moms best friend (I see her as a aunt) as they are all mother figures to me. But I know on MN people feel strongly about their DC not calling anyone mom but I agree grew up calling my aunts mom which was normal - it never took anything away from my actual mom.

Dillydallyingthrough · 18/06/2020 16:33

Sorry should have added above! I think the photo is lovely.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/06/2020 16:47

But was your DD choosing to give your boyfriend something 6 months into you living together Dilly?

Dillydallyingthrough · 18/06/2020 16:51

AnneLovesGilbert - DP wasnt in her life then. Shes almost 16 now and DP has been around since she was 9 (only DP shes met) But it's a fair point that she chose to give him something. Was just trying to show (clearly very poorly!) that there is other ways than only DMs should get a mothers day card and only DFs get fathers day cards from their DC. In my family it's more about the role that they play in your life rather than biology.

ToBBQorNotToBBQ · 18/06/2020 17:07

Aslong as your happy for any future step mum to get a mothers day card from her.

ToBBQorNotToBBQ · 18/06/2020 17:10

I had a step dad for 11 years since age 7 I never got him a fathers day card because hes not my dad. Though I know some people do. 6 months is ridiculous though OP.

cstaff · 18/06/2020 17:22

There are cards for everything these days. Just wondering if you can get a step dad fathers day card. I wouldn't see the harm in that but it would have to be that and not a normal father's day card.

LeSquigh · 18/06/2020 18:16

My DS always gives Fathers Day cards and gifts to his stepdad, my partner, and has done since very early on. He has a very good relationship with his actual dad and lives with him half the time. He also gives cards and gifts to his stepmum, I don’t mind this at all despite the fact that my partner and I don’t have a good relationship with my ex and his girlfriend. However, she plays the mum role whilst my DS is with them and I appreciate how much she cares for him. I don’t have a problem with it at all.

I think after 6 months it might be a tad early but only you can judge how their relationship is and if it is right.