Husband's drinking

[Anywaythewindisblowing]

I have no idea if I'm BU anymore.
H drinks a couple of beers and a bottle of wine pretty much every night. Last week we had a massive row about it after I suggested he took a couple of nights off from drinking each week. I nearly left to stay with my parents for a couple of days. During row he kept saying 'at least I don't drink whisky anymore' and 'I used to drink loads of whisky, I'm so much better now'. Since mega row he's cut down a bit, and managed one day off the booze in a week. Clap clap clap. This morning getting in the car with ds (3) I find the top off of a bottle of whisky, then I find 2 bottles of whisky in the bin.
Now I just feel like an idiot.
So down, and so done with this. Wwyd?

He is dependent on alcohol. You will talk to him until you’re blue in the face and you may see some short term improvements but until he wants to stop he’s not going to. You cannot control his actions, you can only control your reactions. Al anon is a good source of support for families of people dependent on alcohol - that might be the place to start.

Sounds like he has a problem

Al-Anon for you and start thinking of ways you can disentangle your life from his.

I’m in a similar position op and I don’t know what to do.
DH has always drunk, but over the years it’s crept up and he hides what he drinks. Mostly it’s whiskey, he hides that, but will drink wine and beer around me. He drinks everyday, whilst he’s cooking dinner, on into the evening.

He’s a different person when he’s been drinking, not nasty or abusive. He just, switches off. He doesn’t make sensible decisions (play fights with the kids too hard, someone always ends up hurt), makes a mess everywhere as he isn’t careful, doesn’t remember conversations I have with him - I’ve given up telling him anything important in the evening - passing out on the sofa by 10pm at the latest. Drinking also makes him snore terribly. Basically alcohol makes him not my husband anymore.

We’ve talked and talked it over, how I don’t like it, I hate the smell, I can’t bring myself to have sex when he’s been drinking, a big issue for us, the bad example it sets the children etc.

He’s tried to get help, told me it was to numb his anxiety. He saw the GP who put him on sertraline, he tells me this has made him feel so much better, but the drinking hasn’t changed. He’s seeing a counsellor for the anxiety and the drinking, but it’s making no difference.

I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore.

Oh you're definitely not being unreasonable but you need to accept he's an alcoholic and he'll be an alcoholic no matter what way you react so it's best for you to just leave him to it without trying to change him (you can't) or getting upset/angry/anxious/stressed (makes no difference to him, makes every difference to you).

Hiding alcohol is a massive sign he has a problem. If he won’t admit it and doesn’t want to stop then there is nothing you can do. Call Al anon where you will be able to get support from others who understand. They will help you decide what you want to do. Good luck it’s a tough one.

Mumsnet does tend to have the assumption that anyone that drinks a larger amount is an alcoholic
So the fact that your DH drinks a couple of beers and a bottle of wine makes him an alcoholic Now my DH very often does this but he is in no way an alcoholic
The empty whiskey bottles you found are more concerning A normal heavy drinker does not hide how much they are drinking or deny they have drunk it

You could be talking about my ex husband. My advice would be get out now as it will never get better.

Thank you all so much for your replies

I barely slept (again) and woke up crying (again). The bottles of whisky it turns out were from this week, a week I thought we'd had a nice time, a day out on Tuesday and done a few bits of home improvement etc. I thought he'd cut down a bit this week. How wrong I was.

I can't do this much longer.

@YourDaughter you have described exactly my husband. He's not abusive when he's been drinking but he's just crap, forgetful and useless. And yes, more snoring. He's just not the husband I used to have if that makes sense.

I will have a look at Alanon as per everyone's recommendations. Thank you all again.

Your life can be so much easier than this. It's hard to let go but it's harder to live like this for years and years.

It’s very hard to realise this but the best thing for you to do is to go to your mum’s or wherever for a break. Agree with al anon. You have to let him deal with this himself. You can only create the boundaries for you. For example is this the way you want your life to be? If not, we’ll when you are talking you can tell him that. Not as a threat but as a choice for him; ie if he carries on drinking then you won’t be part of his life any more. It sounds very harsh but honestly this is the only way to tackle it. I say this as a person who lived with an alcoholic ex for years. I tried every trick in the book; nothing worked until I handed the responsibility over to him. And when he didn’t stop drinking we split up. And he is sober now. It might not have ended with him being sober but I knew that I couldn’t live my life that way any more . So... if you do anything go to al anon and get support for YOU.

PS don’t take the lying personally; it is so common for people with alcohol problems to lie. It is part of their own denial.