Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want another baby.

28 replies

Twogirlsonemom · 17/06/2020 22:18

I have two children. I want another baby. Although in my mind I know this is not what I want. I have such conflicting thoughts. Having two young children is hard work. I love my kids so much but I look forward to the day when they are just a little bit more independent. I'm not sure why all of a sudden I'm starting to feel as if I want another baby. My children are almost 3 and 9 months. I logically know why I don't and shouldn't get pregnant again, I just can't help being slightly obsessed over babies. Everywhere I look - pregnant mothers. Everywhere. I have to keep pep talking myself and list all the reason why I shouldn't have another baby. One of them being my partner doesn't want anymore children. Another i find it hard work - who doesn't? Is it just me who feels like that? I know I'm done, I found being pregnant hard, I know I wouldn't be able to do it all again, I had terrible births. I always think well next time it will be better....then I tell myself well no, no more babies. I don't describe very well, I'm not a writer. Is it unreasonable to want another baby? Do you just stop wanting more kids? Does anyone else feel the same?

OP posts:
DorisDances · 17/06/2020 22:39

But your partner doesn't want one. You both need to be in agreement so without that you are torturing yourself with 'what might have been' thinking. Babies grow up as well so you can end up in a Radford scenario if you don't move on from this. Good luck OP - its not easy when wishes and reality clash

summerfruitssquash · 17/06/2020 22:51

I feel the same OP, think it’s something to do with the fact you’re probably done and it’s a hard pill to swallow. I know I only want two, but there are pangs in the day where I’m like ‘oh shit but am I really done’
The human mind is just odd sometimes

nildesparandum · 17/06/2020 23:14

You are not odd.I almost died giving birth the first time, and when I got pregnant again I lived in fear and had the tubal tie done during the birth.
instead of feeling happy about it afterwards I lived for years regretting it.
When I got out of hospital it hit me like a stone, no babies ever.I was surrounded by pregnant women for months and knowing I would never be pregnant and hold my own new born baby again almost finished me.
I am now a grandmother and great grandmother and get the joy of little babies again but when they are not yours it is not the same.
Our minds are indeed funny.

Tunnocks34 · 17/06/2020 23:27

I don’t know. I always thought when I was done having kids, there would be this certainty in me that I absolutely didn’t want any more.

I just don’t have it. I have three perfect sons, and we’ve decided we’re done. But my God, I get pangs every day of sadness and ‘aww God I really want another’

My decision to stop at three seems to be led by rational thinking. Emotionally I’m not in the same place I guess.

ColourMeExhausted · 17/06/2020 23:32

I have two DC, aged 2 and 4. I am almost 41. Finally getting sleep after almost 5 years of night waking. Struggling with childcare whilst working from home during lockdown. Very tired most of the time. No childcare from family available even in normal times. On every level, a third would be a bad idea.

And yet...I feel so sad that I will never be pregnant, get to sniff my newborn baby or breastfeed again! The mind is indeed weird...

Durgasarrow · 18/06/2020 04:40

Life is full of possibilities. It's hard to let go of any of them. But don't forget that you can always be your own baby. That is to say, as your kids grow a little older, you will have time to nurture parts of your own precious potential more than you would have if you'd have had another child. You, too, are worthy of the mothering attention and time and money that could have gone to a child. Take good care of yourself and learn new and fascinating things.

PurpleMonkeyDishwasher86 · 18/06/2020 06:39

I went through the same longing when my youngest was about 2. Over time I've found that I'm glad I haven't had more. Occasionally I get that pang again, but I'm now content to say my family is complete. It does get easier, but it hasn't been a quick process either. Allow yourself time, let yourself 'grieve' for the ending of your family growing, but try not to dwell on it.

sunlightflower · 18/06/2020 06:56

I have two and often feel the same, OP. I am sure it must partly be biological, presumably we are designed to want to keep on reproducing until we no longer can.

I can totally relate to the "maybe next time it will be better" feeling too. My births weren't too bad, but breastfeeding didn't work out either time and sometimes I think if I had a third baby, maybe it would finally work out? But the rational side of me knows that probably isn't how it will go. I could easily have a third baby but breastfeeding still wouldn't work out and maybe birth wouldn't go well either.

It's really hard though.

milkjetmum · 18/06/2020 07:13

Agree with pp, I think the 'urge' is extremely strong and a bit overwhelming. Maybe hormones+age is a factor too, I felt super strongly (desperate?) about it from age 36+ and had a real burning jealousy of others with their newborns.

My DH agreed to try for a 3rd (he was otherwise happy to stick at 2 DDs) when I was 38 but I had 3 miscarriages before I accepted it just wasn't meant to be. I was keeping all the baby things in the loft/garage in hope of another time... But starting to let those things go now has been cathartic, and I have made peace with it all. Once I sold the pram that was a real turning point for me. Give yourself time, it was really raw for me for a long time.

Original poster
Twogirlsonemom · 18/06/2020 08:56

Thank you for answering honestly. I'm glad I'm not the only one to feel that way. Me and my partner decided we wouldn't have anymore so I can imagine his shock at me wanting to have another baby. I'm am 9 years younger than he is so I'm still young to completely swear off having babies. Logically I know why we've decided no more babies. I suppose it only an emotional response to this decision. Now I just have to stop obsessing and thinking what if.... I am looking forward to when I can sleep through the night with no babies waking up! ❤️

OP posts:
sunlightflower · 18/06/2020 09:30

@twogirlsonemom I'm a bit behind you (my youngest is only 4 months) but I think you are right. Once we are getting a full night's sleep we may feel differently!

I have a large-ish age gap (3.5 years) and there were times when I was still pregnant that I almost regretted going back to the beginning again because my eldest suddenly seemed SO easy - sleeping through the night, toilet trained, free hours at nursery, able to walk a decent distance and be reasoned with. Now the baby is here I don't regret it for a second but with the older one I now have a glimpse of how much more straightforward it will be in a few years (hopefully) and I doubt I will want to go through it all again.

LilaButterfly · 18/06/2020 09:35

Im the same as you. Definitely done, but not always sure.bMine are 6 and almost 5 now and i still get this feeling sometimes. It does get less over time though. Now its usually just a faint 'aww i miss this' when i hold a friends baby .

blueclam · 18/06/2020 10:07

Ah, I might be in your shoes, OP. I am in my late 30s, 2 DC: 6 and 1 year old. Had a massive hormonal rush "this can't possibly be my last baby" when the now-1year-old DC was born. Even though we agreed with DH beforehand that we'd be happy with two DC. I had straightforward pregnancies and v easy painfree births (totally medicalised, but that suited me), the kids are easy going so far. So a third does not seem particularly scary based on my current experience. However, it feels like I'm letting DH down in renegotiating that contract. Not that he said anything negative, just asked questions, when I told him how I felt (after about 5 months, during which I hoped the urge would go away, but ended up with mild PND instead). I know I'm not ready now, I like the gap between mine and I'd want to wait at least another 2 years before reevaluating. So I've parked thinking about it until then. DH hasn't commented that I'm still keeping all the baby clothing. Having given myself the 2year reprieve from thinking about it actually made it easier. If I then find I can't have any more because my fertility ran out, then that's life choosing for me. Hopefully I won't get too upset if that happens 🤷‍♀️ sorry not helpful, but maybe gives you another way of dealing with it for now. I found the finality too devastating to face.

Dozer · 18/06/2020 10:09

YANBU to have longing/feelings but sounds like DC3 isn’t feasible given your partner’s wishes and your circumstances.

RonObvious · 18/06/2020 10:11

About 10 months after having each of my children, I went through a sudden desire to have another baby. I think it’s a hormonal thing.

Governoress86 · 18/06/2020 10:16

I know how you feel. Me and my DH have a 10 yr old DD. I had a terrible birth with her that it put me and my DH off having any more children, however the last year I have been wanting another one.

I don't know if my partner has changed his mind about having another child as we have had a lot going on over the last 12 months so I know that it wouldn't be the right time to have one.

Plus I worry about the massive age gap between my DD and a new sibling.

Another reason why I haven't said anything is that my mum keeps saying I'm now too old to have any more children, I turn 34 next month.

I think if we were too start trying I don't think it will be until next year anyway which will mean my DD will be nearly 12 and I will be 35 and my DH 36 and that is only if my DH wants another.

I'm so confused but I will be having a conversation with my DH at some point about it.

sunlightflower · 18/06/2020 10:28

@governoress86 whatever you decide, don't let your age put you off! You're still young. I know lots of women who were older than you when they had their first.

Susanna85 · 18/06/2020 10:29

Feel the same OP.
we're going to make a decision in the next couple of months as to whether we try for a DC3

Governoress86 · 18/06/2020 12:07

Thank you @sunlightflower.
I know I'm not too old to have another it's just when I have someone who keeps telling me that I'm too old, I start to believe it.

Even though I want another child I am terrified of the birth as I had a terrible time with my DD.

Could you sit down with you DH and have a discussion and tell him how you feel?

Dozer · 18/06/2020 12:19

Also, you say ‘partner’ not husband, so unless you’re personally v wealthy your ability to WoH also seems a key consideration - likely to be harder the more DC you have!

heartsonacake · 18/06/2020 12:21

YANBU to want another baby, but your partner does not want another, so you cannot have another.

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 18/06/2020 12:26

What would a third child bring you that you don't already get from the other two? What impact would a third have on your existing children's quality of life?

PurpleMonkeyDishwasher86 · 18/06/2020 23:21

Focusing on things like a full nights sleep, and not having to take a bag and buggy everywhere you go is what helped me go from wanting another to now being content with my family. Babies are adorable, but they're a lot of work, and trying to remember that is your best way forward.

RaspberryBubblegum · 18/06/2020 23:26

Your youngest is 9 months so possibly hormones? I've been breastfeeding but as my youngest is now 1 I've started feeling period like cramps and all I've been thinking about is having another! I'm wondering if I can convince DH into having one more Grin

Waveysnail · 18/06/2020 23:29

I had these surges until baby was almost 2. It's like some weird horome fest