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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think, there is something wrong with me... too many relationships!

19 replies

sillycat72 · 17/06/2020 11:28

It must be me, I'm just not meant to find happiness but maybe it's me.

I mean I left my kids dad 10 years ago, he wasn't a bad guy but he was just never there, he didn't seem to want family life he wanted to do things on his own, I fell out of love and we got divorced. Then I met someone else, but it was more a fun thing, once we started to get to the point we were blending families it didn't work, he didn't like my kids had all sorts of ridiculous rules became quite abusive so I ended that one.

Me and the dcs were happy again then a friend introduced me to her single neighbour, I liked him at first but that turned into an abusive relationship as well but much worse. There was police involved, court injunctions, I got out of that eventually, it was difficult as I was scared for mine and the kids life but he moved on in the end, did the same to other women.
I brushed myself down, bought a new house with my 2 kids and was happy again and single for about a year. Eventually I met someone else, took it really slow, he didn't meet my dcs for a year and I didn't meet his. It grew into a really strong relationship, my friends and family all thought thank god I've met someone nice. There was always issues with his ex wife causing problems but our relationship was always strong. We got married in 2018 and then it all just went wrong. He had a heart attack, then lost his hearing in one ear, went into a deep depression, it was stressful but I loved him, I did loads of research and helped him through it all but then his by now teenage daughters became really difficult and started to be really vile to me from posting awful videos on social media about me to refusing to eat my dinner. To this day I don't know what I did, no one can tell me. My husband completely lost it went into an angry depression drinking, disappearing, throwing bottles at me, shouting, blaming me for god knows what, I just drove to car parks and sobbed. His mum turned on me also as her grandchildren didn't like me but still no one knew why. I felt absolutely gutted and completely worthless, my dcs again were so upset, they didn't understand why everyone turned on their mum, it was awful for them we were pushed out, his dcs wouldn't even get in the car with us. They went to family events without us. The only thing I ever got out of them was they wanted their dad to themselves, but there seemed to be no compromise and husband wasn't the guy he once was so couldn't cope or give me any support and didn't seem to want to sort things out so I knew I had no choice but to get me and my kids out. So before lockdown I got us a house to rent, my dcs seem much happier and more relaxed as do I but I'm left thinking what the hell is wrong with me. My friends are celebrating 20th anniversaries, been with the same guy forever, some aren't happy and even in abusive relationships themselves but still stayed were as I didn't. I beginning to think maybe I shouldn't of given up or maybe it's me that makes them this way. I am never going to live with a man again, I'm going to struggle now to afford to buy a house and start again. What is wrong with me? It must be me right?

OP posts:
RiverRover · 17/06/2020 12:11

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

EmeraldShamrock · 17/06/2020 12:44

It is difficult you've been through a lot.
You need to recognise red flags and remember there is nothing wrong with being single. From your OP it seems you were happy single.
Your DC must be affected by these relationships. Personally I'd go solo other than the odd no strings date.

sillycat72 · 17/06/2020 13:05

I plan on staying in my own at least till the kids have left home now, I can't put them through anymore, I do feel really selfish and a bad mum I really do! But it was having them that made me leave these relationships I guess. I hope they don't have problems in the future cos of all this

OP posts:
sillycat72 · 17/06/2020 13:10

Maybe I should get them counselling because of what I've put them through I feel so guilty.

OP posts:
sillycat72 · 17/06/2020 13:20

Does anyone know how this will effect them or damage them, it doesn't matter about me, I don't want them to be damaged cos of my relationships

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WinnieWonder · 17/06/2020 13:24

It doesnt happen for everybody, myself included.
I think i have a damaged attachment style.

But i also think so many people settle / turn a blind eye _ put up with so much crap and that is another kind of damage.

The teenage daughters not eating yr dinner, little madams, i would let them sit there prefering hunger. Stop trying to win them over. Give them a reality check instead.

WinnieWonder · 17/06/2020 13:26

You have been through a lot!
Being single cant be so bad! It isnt!

EmeraldShamrock · 17/06/2020 13:30

Don't feel like a bad mam at all. Your only fault is trusting these arseholes who created misery in your life.
The best thing you can do for them is brush yourself down, show them you're strong you made mistakes but you get up and get on with it.
Personally I'd apologise to them not because it's your fault but to acknowledge they have been hurt by your choices.
Give them a hug. It will be okay don't waste anymore time feeling guilty be positive onwards and upwards. Flowers

RiverRover · 17/06/2020 13:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

sillycat72 · 17/06/2020 13:37

I guess that's the one thing I taught them, don't put up with being treated like that. All I can do is apologise. I wanted the last one to work but I couldn't do it on my own, it was an awful environment in the end!
Oh and @WinnieWonder I would of let them go hungry but ex wouldn't support me and would cook them something else. Plus their mum would be encouraging them to be difficult in the background so I had no chance really

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Euclid · 17/06/2020 13:41

OP you said that you bought a house. What happened to that?

sillycat72 · 17/06/2020 13:42

@RiverRover yes you are right, but I always have had a good relationship with both my dcs I'm their main Carer so I've done everything for them and we talk a lot about everything. But I know these relationships will of impacted them and seeing me upset too, we have all supported each other really. But I can't help feeling guilty especially this last one, it did last 7 years but the last 6 months or so was toxic for everyone

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sillycat72 · 17/06/2020 13:45

@Euclid I sold that 5 years ago to live my now ex, that money went into buying a 5 bed house, I will get that back but it's not quite enough to buy a 3 bed around here

OP posts:
RiverRover · 17/06/2020 13:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

EmeraldShamrock · 17/06/2020 14:05

As long as your okay they'll be okay. Flowers

EmeraldShamrock · 17/06/2020 14:06

*You're

sillycat72 · 17/06/2020 14:12

@RiverRover no I didn't take it like that at all, it's hard to know me and my relationship with my dcs. I do know they have turned into good kids now at 14 and 17 they have lots of friends and close to their dad, also I have some lovely friends who have also been their for my dcs. Both my parents are dead so I don't have much family support, maybe I was somehow looking for that support in relationship and to some degree I did get that in my last relationship for 6 years anyway and I did get love from his family and when my dad was dieing he was so pleased I was part of a nice family and knew I was getting married. Don't know what he would think now. It all changed so quickly. My dcs did have a stable home and family life for that 6 years and when I was single before that. It's the last 8 months really but things are getting better, I am strong and they are excited about us getting a new house they know it's temporary here as I can't afford forever but it's a nice house and we are a happy little family again with our dog and cat. I just worry for them that's all it's all a bit up in the air atm. Just glad I moved out before lockdown it's been lovely spending time with them without any drama happening

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DontTouchTheMoustache · 17/06/2020 14:15

I sympathise OP and seem to be 'that' person amongst my friends too. My kids dad went to prison the month he was born, my next relationship I was cheated on and dumped for someone else, kids dad came out of prison and we tried again but he was abusive (shocker) so I ended it. Next boyfriend lasted a month before he dumped me out of the blue.
I frequently find myself wondering if I'm broken, if there is something fundamentally unloveable about me. I wish I knew what was wrong with me so I could work on it but I do wonder if some people are just meant to be alone.
I'm only 33 but I cant imagine ever having a successful relationship and the older ds gets the less inclined I am to try.
I think lockdown has definitely made me more introspective about it with so much time alone.
I see all my friends in couples and just cant get my head around how other people manage to get other people to love them.
The positives I take is that I'm really independent, I have a very well paid job and own my own home, I never have and never will be dependent on a man for anything and as much as it sucks sometimes that really does help.

sillycat72 · 17/06/2020 14:23

@DontTouchTheMoustache thank you for sharing, it sucks doesn't it, it's so hard, I don't need a man financially either, but it will take a while to recover from this. Especially with lockdown, I haven't been able to work since March. But has given me time to think and plan. No way will I live with a man again. I'm going to have my own house again and that's it! I want to be like you

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