To ask how to support neighbour with autistic child?

[Jods1982]

Hi everyone,

My neighbour is single parent who has 2 boys aged 14 and 12. The 14 year old is autistic and has massive melt downs, screaming and swearing at his mum and he often crashes things around.

A couple of weeks ago we were out front and mum came over to apologise as he had a particularly bad meltdown at 2am and we have 2 girls aged 3 and 7 and their wall is next to her sons bedroom wall and she was worried they had been disturbed (my kids are quite heavy sleepers-nothing wakes them up).

Obviously with lockdown and no school there has been a lot more meltdowns (hubby working from home says there are often a few in the day). Last night was quite bad and I'm pretty sure I heard mum sobbing. For parents of autistic children, is there anything useful I can do to offer support? What would you guys find helpful? A few weeks ago I texted her to see if she needed anything.

You sound really kind.
IME the best you can do is be friendly and smile, it's the little things.
I am highly embarrassed with my DS meltdowns and just as embarrassed with DD's refusal to be involved in society.
There is war leaving the house school morning were the worst.
DD is the same height as me.
My neighbours tend to stare, now it's out how DM died of Covid19 I'm truly the circus freak piece of gossip.

As a mother with an autistic child, all I ever ask is for understanding and not to complain about things beyond our control. My neighbours reported me to SS because they have no idea what having a child with special needs entails. My son has a disability SW anyway but I still had a visit. They said they have no worries and I wasn't doing anything wrong.
Well done for being a lovely neighbour.

What a lovely, understanding neighbour you are OP. I'm sure she would appreciate the gesture.

I have to say I opened the thread thinking your title was going to be code for “how do I get the neighbour’s kid to shut up”. But it isn’t, you really want to help. Bless you.

I have a child with SN who is prone to huge and lengthy outbursts - the main helpful thing my lovely neighbours have done is to pretend they hear nothing

What a lovely person you are! 💐

Please move next to me OP!

My son is 5yrs old and we had just started the asd diagnosis pathway when schools closed. He has manic moments where he charges around shouting and being hyper (possible adhd) and also has very loud meltdowns. Weve explained to our neighbours and we try to limit the noise but they still bang on the wall which makes it worse as it frightens him so he screams louder. The worst part is shes a SENCO at a local school.

My neighbour the other side is lovely and will often tell me to leave him in the garden (low walls between gardens) and she will supervise him whilst i do something with my girls which means so much because he tends to take over any activity i try and do with them

Saw these online, lots of advice for parents in the parent pack - ignore the 16-17 service I checked and the pack is suitable for different ages, might be worth a look?

mft.nhs.uk/rmch/camhs-manchester-16-17-community-mental-health-service/

In the downloads on this page.

Just make it clear that's you're really offering to help - that it's not a snide way of judging her parenting.

Be a friend to her. That's the best way you can help. Then you'll gradually get to know what she might need help with. I find offers of help from people i don't know well a bit patronising tbh.

See if she wants to have a socially distanced garden coffee or glass of wine with you over the weekend. If her son has challenges during the time you're together, breeze through them and stay friendly and cheerful, don't be phased and ask her for a second 'date' after. Basically hang with her, while embracing the kids. She's probably desperate for some adult company but finding it very hard to organise if her DC is very stressed.

The fact that you feel kindly disposed toward her must surely be appreciated.

I'm sure the other posters are right, that she would enjoy a little adult chitchat in a low stress way if that is possible. You sound delightful.

Maybe a block of chocolate or bottle of wine with a note telling her she’s doing an amazing job