So tired, sad and pissed off

[SallySunflower15]

Sorry this is likely to be a jumbled rant. But I just wake up every day feeling fucking dreadful.

Obviously lockdown has been tough for everyone but my dc are now definitely going to be home until September at least with my dp both working full time from home. No indication of gong back at all. We are all suffering.

The BLM movement has totally flawed me and made me realise what a highly racist area I live in. I've shared a few things in support of BLM and loads of negative and ignorant responses from people - some expected some I thought better of. I've actually lost a few friends over it. I just find it so depressing that so many people around me hold these internal racist views. They can't tolerate anything that isn't what they are used to and just seem to see every BAME person as someone who has come to their country and took something from them. I'm trying not to get myself worked up over the ignorance of others and have taken some time off social media but it's really shocked and saddened me.

I've put on weight, I look like shit and I've been snappy and quite vile to dp at times. My mental health has never been worse. It took all my energy and willpower just to go for a walk in the woods the other day because I've become borderline acrophobic during this.

I just can't see an end to any of this.

I’m so sorry that you are feeling like this. I do understand, I always used to think that humans are intrinsically good- think about cars pulling in when they hear an emergency service siren- people still do that.Most people don’t hold repulsive views, Social media can be an echo chamber for those who have to find something to look down on or to blame for their own inadequacies, they are not nice people and you don’t want them in your life, challenge them and block. When you feel calmer sit down with your husband and talk about how you feel, apologise for snapping, you are a team and you have each other’s back, he knows. Spend some time on you, do your hair and nails, I’m exercising everyday using Lucy Wyndham Read online, I started with 7 minutes a day and now do over an hour and feel so much better. I hate that I have turned into someone who can hate, I hate Cummings, Trump and Johnson now but am finding some comfort in fantasising about destroying them financially and tasering the racist thugs in the balls!