Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

My partner does all the night feeds

46 replies

VodkaCranberry2 · 15/06/2020 21:51

I’m feeling bad and worried that my partner will end up resenting me because he has done all of the night feeds since my baby was born nearly 10 weeks ago. He said he won’t but I still feel worried. Our baby is bottle fed, and after I came home from hospital I was put on a new medication that is extremely sedating (olanzapine) because I developed very bad OCD which even with the medication is awful. I’ve tried every other anti-psychotic as I also have bipolar disorder and none worked for me. I’m also on other meds for that. Because of its sedating effect, I take it at night and it completely knocks me out, and so my partner wakes up to feed our baby. I then have trouble waking up in the morning. I feel shit because I know it’s my job to do the night feeds. I’m on a waiting list for CBT but I don’t know how long it will take, out of desperation I spoke to a specialist OCD therapist but it costs too much per session and I can’t afford it. My medication is my only saving grace right now as even on it my thoughts are awful and I am very distressed and anxious all the time. I don’t know what to do but I don’t want to keep making him get a shit nights sleep while I’m knocked out. Am I being a shitty partner/mum?

OP posts:

minisoksmakehardwork · 15/06/2020 22:47

Dh did the majority of night feeds for dc 1&2 and was awake helping with the twins too - we took one each. He said it was a lovely time to spend with the dc as babies as everyone always wants to do it during the day.

Be kind to yourself. You are on sedating meds. I just slept like a damn log - still can. Even in hospital with 2 crying babies I managed to sleep 😳. If your dh has the opportunity to catch up on sleep during the day then let him, or if a friend can come over and help of a weekend so he can, let them. But ultimately, parenthood should be about both parents pulling together to make sure baby and they are ok.

mumwon · 15/06/2020 22:48

if you have a lovely partner like this - you must be worth it - he obviously thinks you are. he thing is you are not taking him for granted & he knows this.
In sickness & in health - whether or not you are married, he lives by this vow & I bet if he needed support you would give it to him

Elledouble · 15/06/2020 22:49

You poor thing. I started Quetiapine for my OCD (diagnosed post-partum but definitely not a new problem) when my son was 5 months old and I was a zombie for a while. Luckily my son was sleeping through by that point - and I was in a psychiatric unit - but I can imagine it would have been different had I agreed to take it earlier when I was still at home. Your child needs you well more than they need you to be awake in the night. You and your partner sound like lovely parents

GoyourOwnWay1 · 15/06/2020 22:51

What dose of olanzapine are you on. I am on 10mg a day.I take it during the day and have no sedating effects at all. I really wish i did tbh. I just ask as maybe it's not the right one for you.

LouiseTrees · 15/06/2020 22:52

Just let him go back to bed when you get up. My husband did the weekend night feeds when they were still a thing and he actually quite liked the quiet bonding time. You are neither a rubbish mother nor partner, you need to look after your sleep health in order to parent well during the day.

mylittlesandwich · 15/06/2020 23:19

My DH did most of the night feeds for DS. I am a crap sleeper, when I got up with DS I would be up for hours, DH is one of those people who is able to be asleep as soon as his head touches the pillow so he said he would do them. He loved the time with him. I don't feel guilty and I didn't have medication to contend with. We were fortunate that DS dropped his night feeds pretty quickly. You are not doing anything wrong, it sounds like a good partnership to me which is what parenting needs to be.

ChooChooItsAllAboutYou · 15/06/2020 23:41

You are doing a great job, please try and stop worrying so much. Parenting is a shared responsibility and its great that your partner gets to bond with your baby by doing the night feeds

BrummyMum1 · 16/06/2020 00:08

I had a similar experience through a cardiac problem where my DH did the night feeds for 6 months plus the mornings with both DCs. I felt guilty but you need to think of DH and you as a team. You're struggling and he's got your back. If he was struggling and needed extra help I'm sure you'd help him out then. It's not about doing your fair share on a daily, weekly or even monthly basis while you're ill. It's about the long term health of your family.

Yeahnahmum · 16/06/2020 02:16

This baby is not just your baby. It both your baby. So why would he resent you. You have valid reasons for not being able to do the night feeds. He can be on duty during the night and you during the day. Together is what you are. Parenting together.

You wouldn't resent him if it was the other way around. I agree with pp. You are a team. And you are doing amazingly. X

Couchbettato · 16/06/2020 04:45

Your job was growing the baby, now the baby is here then caring for the baby is a shared responsibility. Your partner knows you can't care for your baby without being your best self and that needs medication, and your medication prevents you from waking up at night (not to mention at 10 weeks postpartum I was still exhausted from having grown a baby, so would jump for joy when I got chance to sleep). Your work load may not be even right now, but it wasn't even when you were gestating, and it probably won't be even later down the line. The shift in weight of the responsibilities changes all the time. You're looking at a very small part of a big picture.

Natashabobasha1 · 16/06/2020 05:41

No, you are doing your best. I think you shouldn't make any drastic moves to change meds unless you really feel the need to and are under a doctor's supervision. I think you just need your husband to deal with this. If you are groggy and feeding the baby, the baby could suffocate or fall out of your arms if you fall asleep. It will get better. Share these thoughts with a doctor too.

Adoptthisdogornot · 16/06/2020 06:53

I put yabu, but I meant its unreasonable of you to feel so bad about yourself. The bonding your partner is having with your baby is priceless, and this stage won't last forever. You need to look after yourself for their sakes too. Go easy on yourself, wishing you all the best x

Giespeace · 16/06/2020 07:03

Your partner loves you and your baby and is doing what he has to do to support you. You are doing what you need to do in order to get well.

This is what a real partnership is OP. When one partner has to step down, the other will step up. You are a team.
You are not a shit mother. You’re a mother currently in a shit position but you are dealing with it as best you can and your DP has your back.
Do not feel bad in the slightest

DontGoJasonWaterfalls · 16/06/2020 07:08

If you were a shitty mum or partner you wouldn't be feeling so guilty. Please don't be so hard on yourself, you and your partner are the embodiment of what parenting teamwork should look like. You're getting yourself healthy and he's supporting you. That's a wonderful thing.

JustC · 16/06/2020 09:08

You and your partner sound like a good team. I get your guilt, been there, it's your condition making you feel that way. As long as he's supportive, there's nothing to worry about. Hugs, and hope you manage to get to a better place.

Stompythedinosaur · 16/06/2020 09:11

It isn't your job to do night feeds. In the situation you describe it is clearly better for your dh to do them. Quite apart from the medication issue, sleep deprivation is risky with bipolar.

madcatladyforever · 16/06/2020 09:16

I think the most important thing in any relationship is communication, have you sat down and discussed it with him and explained what is going on?
It sounds to me as if he is very supportive and if the tables were turned you'd be doing the same for him.
Ask him how he feels about it.

zoemum2006 · 16/06/2020 09:46

DH did all the night feeds. He could go back to sleep instantly but I would be awake all night once woken.

I would get up with the girls in the morning (5am or 6am) and leave him to lie in to compensate.

Just check in with each other and compromise and be aware of each other's needs.

Friend2211 · 27/01/2025 05:19

Were you told the effects of your medication & the impact it could have on trying to do night feeds? Or did you make the decision yourself that you were unsafe/not able to do them? My partner is on Clozapine, he tried to get help with his tiredness for ages! Little did he know that he was unsafe to do night feeds. He was so heavily sedated that our baby boy sadly lost his life due to my partner falling asleep on him. I wish we were told the severity of the side effects. I would never have let him do night feeds! Don’t feel guilty, you are keeping your baby safe & looking after yourself.

Vera87 · 27/01/2025 07:11

I have bipolar and I'm also on a antipsychotic medication. It too knocks me out but keeps me well. When mine were younger my DH also did feeds from 11-5am ish because of this and he wanted to do it.
You need the meds to be able to remain well, he loves you and is doing it to support you.
Don't feel bad- it's a crap illness to live with and this keeps us well x

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/01/2025 07:17

@Friend2211 I am sorry to hear about your loss.

This thread is 4.5 years old, so I hope life has moved on for the OP.

!!!!!!!!!! OLD THREAD !!!!!!!!

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread