division of labor -resentment

[birdy124]

I'm really struggling in lockdown with resentment towards my dh regarding housework,cooking etc (no kids).

We moved for his new job in January and I thought I would be able to find a new position pretty easily. Of course corona stalled and stopped all my interviews and I am now feeling quite down about my career prospects.

He is working from home full-time and I'm unemployed so of course I'm doing the majority of housework and cooking. My problem is I WAS ALREADY DOING THAT. Before his new job he was in graduate school while I worked full time. He had a much more flexible schedule but I found it a struggle to get him to do his fair share. We finally got to an okay place but now it's all falling on me. I'm scared it will never be equalized since he is now in a high level lucrative position while I'm falling behind. I have time to do everything (not the motivation tho ) , but I really doubt if roles were reversed he would do the same.

Anyone else struggle with this? It's really making me feel grim about the future. I'm highly educated and used to be v ambitious but now with the coming recession and the constant cooking and cleaning, I feel my self-esteem tanking .

YABU - he works, you don’t.

YANBU. I’m in a similar position, although have just found a job. It will be absolutely equal when I start work or I will be furious. Think harder about this- if he doesn’t learn to step up will you turn around in 20 years and call it a day as you’re just so tired? Have you told him this?

I think there's two things going on here. You said you're highly educated and you don't want to fall behind - so when can you both agree to find time to prioritise your career too?

It can be hard to do this when one person is ostensibly bringing in the money and all energy and resources go towards them, but who says that he needs to be favourited forever?

If there's room for him to do a few hours of housework or something that helps you free up time to train, find work, whatever - surely this solves any nasty problems of esteem or resentment that could fester in the long run?

Don't let your skills go OP. Refresh your education, see what work you can do at home - stay viable.

A lot of activities have moved online now so take a look at online recruitment as well as online educational sites.

I'm scared it will never be equalized since he is now in a high level lucrative position while I'm falling behind.

He's used to you doing the grunt work even before this move and is either unfocused or doesn't care if it continues.

Don't let yourself get to be in a vulnerable position of "also ran".

You don't have kids - there cannot be that much housework surely?

75% of my chores are child generated

You aren't working. You resent doing a couple of hours of housework a day while he's working full time? Unless you live in a mansion there really can't be that much to do.

Wtf

Are there any online courses you can take?

Can you study to get yourself in a good position to get a job? And then give him 1/3 of the house stuff (or whatever seems reasonable so you can get what you need done).

OP, it’s all about your last para. This isn’t about doing the domestic stuff now, it’s about the wobble you’re having about the future. Given current climate, can’t blame you.
Of course, while you’re DH is working, it’s is fair you do the majority cooking and cleaning. However, looking ahead it’s understandable that you don’t want this to always be the case. It doesn’t sound like the move in January was forced upon you but it was primarily for your DH to progress, so now you need to think about how to get your own career back on track - which is a bit daunting given CV but it doesn’t mean that it’s all over and no one else can do it for you.
Second issue is, once you do get back to work, do you trust that your DH will chip in with the domestic work. This is the bigger issue as if the answer is no then you need to think about your feelings about that, especially if you are considering kids. Answer might be a cleaner and outside help if affordable... or it might be that you’re not happy with the thought of picking up all the house stuff as well as full time work outside the home. If the latter then reevaluate your relationship now. It’s not worth the resentment later!

If it was just a current issue as he’s working and you’re not I’d leave it but you mention he didn’t do any housework willingly when you were working full time and he wasn’t.
Have a discussion about it or resentment will build. If you are planning children in the future is he going to think all childcare/ household stuff is yours to do whilst on mat leave or because you earn less?

In your discussion I would start with when I worked full time I did a b c d e f g h I j around the house. I’d like to start studying but it seems immensely unfair when you do almost nothing around the house. You thought it totally fine that I did a b c d e f f h I k when I was full time so surely it seems fair that you do a b c d now and add e f g when I start studying? This is still less than I did, and I’m frustrated that we both think you are simply going to do less housework in the same situation. I’d like to think we are a team, but the evidence says we’re not really. Anyway let’s go with this and see if we can take a significant step towards balancing life better between us.
Warning, you will have to redo this discussion about 100 times, hopefully making a tiny bit of progress each time.

How much work is there to do? Food shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry. He’s presumably not making mess while he’s working? Taking on the domestic side while you’re not working isn’t going to undo your education or make you stupid. Doing nothing but housework that you resent might kill your motivation so study for something, volunteer, keep job hunting - people are hiring.

There are three issues -

Your unhappiness at your career having stalled for now and the pandemic bollocks - just keep plugging away and try to find a job. Don’t assume you’ll never work again.

Not liking housework - tough, someone’s got to do it and right now you have the time and he’s working so just make sure he’s not taking the piss eg puts his clothes in the wash hamper, doesn’t expect you to be his personal maid. The rest of it just needs doing.

Resenting his career taking off. Things in life and marriage go up and down. Focus on improving your situation without blaming him. One of you employed and able to financially support your household is better than neither of you. He worked hard at grad school and is now lucky to have a great job, that’s a good thing.

Does he participate on his days off though? If not, I would say you are not unreasonable to worry about how this will pan out in the future, when you are both working. I have been a SAHM for 7 years for various reasons, so naturally do most of the housework, but husband will do anything he can on his days off. The garden/yard is still mostly his domain as I hate it. He will cook or do whatever housework necessary when he's off. When we both worked, we both did wahtever we could, we never really had a division of labour, we both just did what needed done.

I think you're forward projecting your anxiety. It's not surprising, it's a worrying time. Maybe underneath is your fear that you'll be financially dependent on him and trapped.

Focus on Now. Focus on career plans, personal development, building knowledge of local area and the economic prospects outside of your usual job.

Unemployment easily leads to depression and anxiety. Get a routine in place where you wake at same time. Do something for yourself at start of day like a workout then get your plans out. Break for lunch and a bit of housework then back to PC.

Other posters are right. There won't be much in reality unless your partner demands a clean bath towel daily.....

Are you applying for jobs atm? Obv it's been a weird time, but my company is still (slowly) recruiting... what's it like for the companies you're applying to? Have there been any jobs come up? Did you get interviews?

If the jobs don't pick up soon, what's your plan? Look at a different level of job / different employers / do more studying?

Thanks all, everyone is right it really isn't about the housework (although being at home 24/7 I think generates more!)

I think it's mostly anxiety about the future. Like this can't be my whole life !

I'm in NYC, so everything is a bit grim with corona, protests (which I support but worry about rise in infections), and the economy.

We are also still in a temporary furnished accommodations, so it feels hard to settle. We are moving in July though, so I think that will make a difference!

Good to hear some places are still recruiting, I need to get back to applications. I’m going to take some time and make some career/life goals for the next few years. Hopefully that will motivate me more!

Half the threads on Mumsnet seem to be about to about slacking husbands at home (esp with kids) so it freaks me out to see it already going that way! v annoying how much time and energy women put into strategizing about how to get their lazy ass man to do anything!