Do I leave or do I stay?

[Buythehouseornot]

Hello I'm hoping for a bit of other people's perspective on this situation. I've name changed as I'm a regular poster and I don't want any of my previous posts to have a reflection on this question.

I'll try and make it as drip feed free as possible. DH and I married, no kids of our own, he has two children to his former marriage. I'll be honest I've struggled with the situation. I've never been with a man with kids before and it's not easy. I tried hard I really did but the relationship has taken a bashing to be blunt. His children are now young adults and although he seems them both fairly regularly I have virtually no interaction with them at all. I do my own thing. They're very welcome at our home, they spend loads of time with dad, but they don't want me around and I'm happy to do other things. Lockdown has been very tough but that's temporary and we can deal with it.

The kids are in no way disadvantaged or treated badly.

DH can get very angry with me when he doesn't get things exactly his own way. So to avoid confrontation I rarely object to any of his plans which rarely involve me. In normal times he spends lots of time with friends and his children doing exactly what they all want to do. I'm being deliberately vague, but his plans don't involve me most of the time. I spend a lot of time alone, which I mostly enjoy.

So I've been saving hard, didn't really know what for when I started, sub conscious I think. I've reached a stage where I have enough for a house deposit of my own. I earn enough to get a small mortgage and could easily afford a small two bed property in our home town.

I'm not happy, but I'm not desperately in need to leave him. Financially I'm comfortable at the moment, saving most of what I earn, if I was to buy my own place that would change and I wouldn't be able to save much but I would have my own home.

What would you do? Would you leave a marriage that is far from perfect but isn't horrible. Would you leave a financially secure life for a less than comfortable one?

Thanks for reading.

I think youve already made your mind up. You know you wan to leave, the heart always knows. Well done on planning, now take that step and ditch him. He isnt making you happy. You deserve some one who will put you first, involve you and make you feel happy and wanted. Looks like you settled with this man. Leave and find your happiness elsewhere. I wish you well. xx

I wish I had made my mind up. I swing from being sure that leaving would make me happy to thinking I'm sure it's not that bad. I think I've been hanging on thinking that when the kids get older it'll get easier. If anything it's actually got harder.

@OP,
Have you considered your savings might class as marital asset? When you say ‘leave’ do you mean divorce?

Yes they would be a marital asset, but he has a lot more to lose than I do if we go down that route.

Leave him. No doubt.

Go. Just go. Life is too short.
I was married to someone for whom I was NEVER the priority. It hurts.
Years later after we were divorced it struck me that he had just never loved me enough to care if I was happy but he did care if his mum, his friends, his work were happy. You start to believe that you aren’t worth their attention. It’s taken me years to rebuild my confidence. Still working on it.
GO!

I would leave. The situation will not get better and you could really resent them down the line.

That sound quite sad OP, and like all the above, yes do leave him. I wish you good luck and hope everything works out for you

Just come back and read your updates and I'm so proud of you OP!! Keep going and growing, it's so worth it. You are worth so much more than being his afterthought, now go and be happy and put YOURSELF first!!!

Leave. Leave as soon as you can.

Leave and find yourself a life where you are the centre of it. If that involves someone to make you the centre of their life too then great but even if it didn’t - you’d be happier on your own than where you currently are.

Be brave, make the leap!

I'd leave.

Fucking hell id be out of there like a shot. Why hang around

Wishing you well op.
.

Well I would certainly leave in general. But maybe I would stay a bit longer if it is bearable, to save more, to make my future life easier. I suppose it depends how much their behaviour is affecting your mental health.

I’d leave, life’s too short to be unhappy.

I'd leave. He sounds like a prick. Like hell would I give anymore of my life to him.

Leave set yourself free.. all the best

Good luck OP Everyone deserves to be central to what’s going on in their own home; it sounds really awkward, like you’re an imposter - you will be happier without this as a context and if it won’t change then you’re making the right decision.

Well done for saving the deposit!

Remember you don’t have to morph into swivel eyes mouth frothing “taking him to the cleaners” (I know no one has said that!) in order for a settlement to be fair.

I think that you should see what you’d be entitled to and then think how this could help you in your new life. Bearing in mind the reasons you need to start a new life....

All the best

Get a shit hot lawyer, get what you deserve & get out and have a better life - it’s too short too waste. Good luck

(& take that 100% Yanbu & believe it!!)

Gosh thanks so much for the overwhelming support. 100% YANBU seems pretty rare. I tried to talk to him this morning to resolve something that's been niggling away with us for a week or so. I just got shouted at and told it's all my fault again before he stormed off to work. Makes it easier somehow.

I would leave him and I don't think I'd bother telling him I was going either.

You have no children and (it sounds like) you don't want them. He brings you no joy, he doesn't treat you well. You don't need him financially.

If I were you he wouldn't see me for dust.

I would do it as well just to see the slapped arse look on his face when he realises that you aren't just going to sit for this treatment into old age. He'll be astonished that you know that you deserve more, that he hasn't ground that out of you with his disinterest and disrespect and neglect.

Enjoy your new life OP, make sure you use the age and wisdom you have gained over the years to reinforce your self-belief - you do NOT need a man in your life to be happy. In fact in many ways a man is a positive hindrance to your happiness, especially a selfish one like this.

When the movers van rolls up you'll feel amazing. Congratulations on saving up so well and planning ahead. Let him shout alone.