To not know how to be myself

[londonlockdowner]

Didn't really know where to put this.

Been with my DP a few years - I'm very normal / working class and his friends are very well to do / posh.

Clearly this doesn't bother him but I'm really struggling to fit in with his friends.

Face to face or over zoom, I just cannot relax. I'm terrified of saying the wrong thing - I've heard words like toilet and pardon are scoffed at and probably loads others I don't even know about. I don't know what they are talking about a lot of the time and have very limited shared life experiences. Group quizzes during lockdown have felt more like exams for me.

My friends say that if they are nice people, they won't care and if they are judging me, they aren't worth caring about but it's easier said than done.

Any tips on relaxing and being yourself around people you feel out of your depth with would be so welcome.

Thank you!

My friends say that if they are nice people, they won't care and if they are judging me, they aren't worth caring about

Your friends are right. If these group zoom calls make you uncomfortable, don't do them. These people have nothing to do with your daily life, and the only thing that matters is your relationship with your partner. You need to stop over-thinking about how these people view you. It just doesn't matter.

What is wrong with toilet and pardon? What words are you supposed to say?

They both sound posh to me compared to “shitter” and “what”...

I'd say pardon is definitely more polite but apparently the right word is "what?" because that's what the queen would say 🤷‍♀️

Your friends are spot on. If you want to be a part of this group you should absolutely just be yourself, if you try to be someone else you will come across as false, they will pick up on it and you will feel even more self conscious. Own who you are

What is better than pardon? Oh dear, I better stop correcting my 3 yo then!

They’re your partner’s friends OP, stop panicking. No one is going to give a shit unless you’re a massive wanker! He loves you, he probably loves them, so why wouldn’t they love you? You’ve kind of decided they’re all snobs without ever just being yourself which is a little unfair. Be yourself and if any of them don’t like you then sure, they’re twats.

I’d take their advice too. I feel a bit like this with my DH (he and his friends are all from the Home Counties and I’m from West Country). I’ve known them 20 years and although we get on ok, I find the whole watching what I say and not really knowing the Regional cues a bit tedious so nowadays I find it easier not to bother. Let them make the effort with you, so they are taking the lead and you’re not having to work so hard.

As the supposedly "posher" person in my relationship, Id say definitely just be yourself. If you try too hard to fit in they will pick up on the fact youre not 100% relaxed or comfortable if you know what I mean. Dont ever apologise for being yourself, and if his friends ever make you feel less because of it, then theyre aholes and really not worth the worry.

As an aside, instead of pardon, I say "sorry", or "sorry can you repeat that". However, again, you say what you normally say. It isnt offensive so you dont need to change yourself

I am NOT the posher person but am vaguely clinging on to just about lower middle class. I hate toilet and pardon, but would never ACTUALLY judge anyone for saying it and I don’t know a single person who does. I completely agree with @SillyCow6 never feel the need to apologise for who you are.

Your friends are right. I’ve been there, it’s been 14 years and at some point a few years ago after many years of trying to fit in I finally started to believe I was good enough in myself and if they didn’t like me I didn’t care.

This was in part due to forging friendships with some of his friends who I genuinely got on with and enjoyed their company and in part to having the confidence to not spend more than polite time with the ones who I felt belittled me.

It really isn’t easy to do, but you shouldn’t be trying to change yourself ,

OP, I’ve just read your post again. Why aren’t they “very normal” but you are? It’s their normal, I assume you accept other people, why do you think they won’t?

If you don't want to say "toilet" , I'd say bathroom like the Americans do. "I'm going to the bathroom" sounds fine to me.

Who says ‘toilet’? It’s loo. But I am in the UK SE.
Pardon - is not posh just well mannered. Rather than ‘What?’ (I guess) no context given

I am with your friends, sensible advice ☺️

@TheMurk

What is better than pardon? Oh dear, I better stop correcting my 3 yo then!

😂😂😂😂

Those who judge are not worth knowing.

Relax.

I am from low working class roots- grew up in a deprived area, huge council estate.
My OH went to an extremely posh boarding school, relatives who are Dukes- literally-.

I am deeply proud of who I am, my OHs family know me as a strong woman who cares about others. They seek my advice.

We are all human. Stand up and be proud of who you are.

Who says ‘toilet’? It’s loo.

Loo? Do people say that?

@speakout

Who says ‘toilet’? It’s loo.

Loo? Do people say that?

Yes, I only hear toilet here and when I travel abroad. However it might be different in other ‘English’ speaking countries.

You have different life experience to them but you are not worse or better than they are. You are just you. If they can’t handle that then it’s their problem, not yours. Sometimes the best way to fit in is by not fitting in. They’d probably hate to think they were making you feel uncomfortable and if they are the sort of people who can’t get past what you call a toilet then they’re really not worth knowing.

Nancy Mitford in the 1940s decreed that the only way to discern old money from new was by the words they used. "Pardon" and "toilet" are "fancy" French loan words and expose the pretentiousness of the rising classes. "What", being Anglo-Saxon, and "lavatory" (derivative "loo"), being Latin, are established English words, reflecting security in one's elite status.

Firstly, I imagine these "posh" friends are middle class and not the elite.
Secondly, eighty years on, these French loan words are well established. Even Waitrose has signs to the toilets, not the lavs.
Thirdly, anyone who actually gives a shit about this is an insufferable bore.

I was brought up very posh, my mother winces at words such as toilet and pardon. She has had to adapt as she doesn't have particularly posh grandchildren!

I am middle aged and can say that anyone who judges you is a fool. Personally couldn't care less and wouldn't judge you but like you for who you are. We don't live in Victorian ages anymore, everyone has something to offer.

I'd hate online quizzes too! Do try to be yourself, I can be intimidated and have crippling shyness so I know how hard it can be when the doubters get inside your head. Good luck OP.