It’s been plaguing me for a long time and I just want to share with people who will listen and understand.
When I was 16, someone ten years my senior did something to me that I didn’t consent to. I was so drunk I don’t even remember how I got there - I’m sure I agreed to be there but I definitely didn’t agree to that. I remember being too drunk to talk; to move. I remember all of those details. I didn’t tell any of my friends about it because I felt ashamed about it. It was something dirty - and I felt dirty and gross. Eventually they found out (through him), but still I laughed it off.
He was the second guy I had sex with - the first dumped me a week after I lost my virginity.
When I was 19, my boyfriend ‘slipped’ and did the same thing. I hadn’t consented to it and it took me three minutes of pain to build up the courage to ask him to stop. I stayed with that same man for 12 years.
Over the years I’ve been hit, shouted at, told numerous times how awful I am as a person; as a mother. My ex would never ask for a refund, never call to complain about a service and would never stand up to his friends or family on my behalf. Ironically, despite the way he treated me I always felt like the strong voice because I could tackle all of the above. Yet I put up with his crap.
And misogyny doesn’t stop with men - my own mother is guilty of dragging me down and putting me in man-pleasing box. She was the type of woman who would notice a couple and say something shit like ‘why is a man like that with someone who looks like that!’ (She meant overweight). She told me when I was too fat, and when I lost weight ‘worried’ that I had an eating disorder (despite being a healthy weight).
I spent my skinniest years prodding my stomach and crying about how I look. The skinniest years were actually some of the worst of my life.
One of my closest friends - after my partner of 9 years (at the time) tried to strangle me in an argument (after he’d already screamed at me and pushed me in public) said in a hilariously jokey fashion ‘well I can understand - I’d probably want to strange you too’.
The last time my ex partner hit me I called the police. They came quickly to their credit but I’d been drinking and was told it was obviously six of one, half a dozen of the other - it was just a silly domestic and they happen, right?
But I’d managed not to hit anyone. Ever.
There’s the other ‘usual’ incidents. Being cat called (something I took as a positive for a long time). Being awkwardly groped by older men. Being insulted/ negged by men as a teenager whilst just walking down the street (gorgeous boobs, shame about the arse). Being the butt of the ‘joke’ by my male ‘friends’ That kind of shit.
But I’m tired of this shit now. I’m tired of holding on to this quietly because the people in my life don’t think it’s important or matters. I’m tired of never sharing how this really makes me feel. I’m tired of pretending this is all irrelevant to my life - it’s not! It’s shaped who I am!
Everything that has happened has shaped my insecurities but over time I’ve realised also my self worth by rising above it - but I feel like I should never have had to learn my self worth like this. I should live in a world where men (as a class) respect women and other women don’t cave men’s uncomfortable beliefs.
So I don’t know what I’m posting - but I just want to be heard!