WWYD 2 nephews

[Henrietta75]

My younger sisters’ lads aged 22 and 23.

Their father left them when they were younger so he’s completely out the picture. My sis raised them herself and they amazingly haven’t gone off the rails when I’ve seen other kids in the same situation. Both lads work as builders and work long hours and look after their mum.

Couple of years ago my other sister, her DH and 3 younger kids invited the lads to stay 7 to 10 days in the summer during their annual leave. This sis is a bit more well off than the rest of us and live in a large house in the countryside. The younger lad broke up with his girlfriend and was going through a tough time so his mother was happy they could get away and have a rest before the slog of work resumes. Their mum (she told me) offered some money to the other sis for their board and she told her to stop being ridiculous.

On the morning of day 5 of their stay the lads thank their hosts for their hospitality and abruptly leave and head for the coast saying an old friend has come in from abroad and they wish to spend time with them before he heads back.

Both of my sisters are then off with each other a couple of months later when we catch up. Eventually I get the 2 sides to the story :

Nephews - Wanted a complete rest e.g. sit in the garden relaxing, country walks, baked cakes, family board games, pub lunches (they’d pay their own) time to recuperate and chill. Come back refreshed ready for 10-12 hour shifts again. Day 1 they cut their massive lawn, day 2 stripped walls of younger cousin bedroom, day 3 went shopping and dragged around carrying bags of clothes for aunt. Day 4 asked if they could help clear out shed for sale as uncle had to go out for the day.

Sister - Needed a few bits doing so could combine holiday with a few jobs that had accumulated.

Christmas comes and we’re all together at my parents for Christmas dinner. BIL snipes at nephew that please come again and stay with us where nephew snipes back why does your roof need tiling?

The nephews now flatly refuse any offer of staying more than a day with any aunt (including me) and their family again. All the other cousins (albeit are younger) all stay a few days during school hols here and there with different aunts.

Their grandmother has asked me to try and smooth things over with the nephews and I am not sure what to say to them. I don’t have any jobs for them to do nor would I ask even if i needed a builder, I just want them to feel at home and be chilled.

I wouldn’t get involved.

My sis raised them herself and they amazingly haven’t gone off the rails when I’ve seen other kids in the same situation.

Why do you find it “amazing” that your sister was capable of raising her children well?

It seems to me there is rather a lot of family discord bubbling below the surface.

I love it when a quick quip comes straight to you, I would have stood up and applauded the roof tiling comment.

WTF?
My nephews have a single dad as their mum passed away. We have regularly had them stay for 2 weeks in the summer. They were younger and not working in a manual job, so we OFFERED them jobs - gardening, cleaning up etc and PAID them. We also took them on lovely days out and had bonfires.
Why the hell should they work for free? Why would they 'go off the rails'. Do your whole family look down on them as some sort of urchins who need to be kept busy because 'the devil makes work for idle hands'. Madness.

My sis raised them herself and they amazingly haven’t gone off the rails
I'm assuming your sister is a negligent crack addict who's dragged the kids up in the middle of a sink estate with a myriad of different "uncles" every few months etc.

Given that despite this she's apparently raised sensible grown men then surely you just say Nan and Grandad are worried they don't want to be around the wider family since Aunty Entitled thought they were free labour but could they use the madness their no-good mother never taught them and make an effort to play nice. You understand they don't want sleepovers at families houses now they're adults but to just try not to react to Uncle Snarky

Also they are men. Working men. They pay taxes, work hard and please don't call them 'lads'.

In fact upon rereading your DS has done an outstanding job of raising her 2 sons. They are exceptionally polite - no way in a million years either of my DC would be dragging their aunts shopping around or working on a rich relatives house for free on their holidays. How on earth has your family got such a skewed view?
Do you work on relatives houses for free? Did your DS decorate her nephews rooms and cut the lawn when DN's dad fucked off?If so maybe she can expect some pay back but I doubt it, they seem to be expected to work because they are 'lads' from a 'single parent family'.

Wow didn't go off the rails?... stereotyping much.
Anyways this is all bullshitvthey are grown adults can do wtf they like who wants to go stay with aunties at that age anyway? Strange and yes they were cheeky fucks getting them in as slave labour tell your bil to do it himself lazy fucker.
As for smoothing over...not your circus not your monkeys (joke)

Maybe all go abroad next year on a big holiday. Start talking about booking say a villa in portugal or Florida next yr. Why would u stay at aunties at 21 ffs

I think their Aunt was a CF. She wanted free labour. Good on them lads for setting some boundaries.

How can you be surprised they don't want to go back? Well done to them for standing up for themselves. Your sister and her family have been very cheeky.

"Their grandmother has asked me to try and smooth things over with the nephews and I am not sure what to say to them. "
Their grandmother - your mother?

Regardless, their grandmother needs to have a word with her selfish exploitative daughter. She didn't invite them to holiday, she invited them to be unpaid skivvies and do the work her husband was too shiftless/useless to see to.

"My sis raised them herself and they amazingly haven’t gone off the rails when I’ve seen other kids in the same situation.
Fuck me but you've got a low opinion of your sister. "Amazingly"? That says a lot about you. Are you as much of a cheeky fucker and your exploitative sister?

Honestly, this is mad. The way this is resolved is you telling your sister she and her husband were unbelievably cheeky, them apologising to the nephews and the nephews no longer staying with their aunts like they need childcare.

Is your sister the Wicked Stepmother from Cinderella? Cheeky piece getting them to strip bedrooms and chivvy round after her carrying shopping like lackeys. No wonder they don't want to go back.

You need to say to your Mum that this does not need to be fixed. They are grown men with their own lives.

In families it’s often the kids of single parents who are treated differently or with less respect. You should have called this out with your CF sister at the time because she has basically ruined the family dynamic. If you don’t fix it then don’t be surprised if these nephews avoid inviting you / family to their weddings / meet their kids to ‘be fair’ to the CF sister.